When I was nineteen, I climbed La Plata Peak with my boyfriend Alan and his mountain goat parents Bill and Gentry. La Plata is one of Colorado’s famous fourteen thousand foot elevation mountains, the 5th highest to be exact. For me, it was supposed to be a beautiful hike, for my compadres it was part of a goal, a mission, and a thing to be “bagged”. Looking back now, it was a fundamental difference in philosophy and experience that resulted in the diminishment of my good time.
I recently had an experience that reminded me of this hike. I have made a concerted effort of late to open my heart. I heard a lecture from Mile High church in the Denver area that inspired me to develop a new intention for this chapter in my life. It was to live with an undefended heart. I created some space by releasing with the Sedona Method and started to feel better and better. It’s amazing how creating such space and openness brings up a natural sense of courage. It wasn’t like one day I said –Hey! I feel like I can seize the day! It was just available to me, unblocked at the surface waiting for me to use it.
So one day recently I did just that. I had the emotional courage to put myself out there and someone picked up on it and I got a couple of dates. While I initially got swept away a bit in the enthusiasm and excitement of someone new, I realized fairly quickly that what I came upon was not what it appeared. When all those years ago I struggled up that wicked trail to La Plata, I came upon the summit. I remember feeling such overwhelming sense of relief in my body and mind as I sighed into knowing the work of getting there was nearly done. To my dismay, I was informed I had just encountered a false peak. It was as disappointing as it sounds. The summit was close, but I still had a ways to go. My most recent encounter with this rather fine gentleman was just like that. He fit the bill to 90+%. Some would be thrilled with that, pushing and cajoling it until you shaved off the edges and lodged that oval peg into the round hole.
I felt completely perplexed for days as to the purpose of this “close but no cigar” experience. One day I was pissed for hours, raging my anger at the universe that was obviously tricking and toying with me. Then I relaxed after speaking with my Zen’d out friend who held a sleeping newborn on her chest. The lesson for me is not to deal with the frustration of having more road to travel, nor the disappointment in meeting a great guy whose heart still happens to be smoking from the last woman who set it afire. I realized that this false peak was about building confidence in my ability to maintain and display my true self. I was honest, respectful and centered during the time I spent with this guy in a way I’ve never been before. No obsessing, fretting, molding myself to fit and show the “perfect Kate”, nor did I seek approval in whatever shape and form I could get it. I am now the woman I’ve wanted to become (at least in this area!) since I began my search for her. Thank goodness! So, no more resentment for this lesson, but gratitude for my journey that has brought me to a greater trust and love for myself.
3 comments:
Gratitude is the key opening the trail going to the real summit. You found it Congratulations!
loved this entry, of course. perfect timing. A sense of peace when facing uncertainty.
As Oprah would say, you had an Aha! moment. I'd have to say that a lot of my dating experiences have been like this for me and sucked way, way too much energy from me than was necessary. In hindsight I wish that I had had this attitude - but that's my journey not yours. I think your attitude toward this is courageous and true. Keep on it sissy! You are worth it!
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