Reflections and Revelations Version 2.0.0.7.

2007 was not a mellow year for me. I've often heard people refer to growth as painful. But I've begun to question how much of that is inherent or perceived pain. All the teachers I have learned from recently seem to believe that we cannot feel anything but ourselves pushing against outside forces. This can challenging to believe with all the conditioning that other's actions, words, feelings and behaviour "makes" us feel the way we do. Even when I think I have a good grip on this, something will happen that causes me to revert back to the blamer-I can't believe that guy ran the stop sign and then honked at me! How could I have possibly ruined her day? As much as I've learned, I've come to understand that the real victory comes with one release at a time of the negative to the positive and better feeling thought.

One of the most profound sayings I've heard in the last few weeks hit me hard. I'm a goal oriented person-constantly measuring my life, standing, and experience based on where I think I should be by now. A lot of the recent influx of material, teachings and practices have been based on not only my need and desire for my life to improve, but because of this measurement. I've heard this before from other teachers, but for what ever reason I was finally ready to listen. I was listening to a Bill Harris seminar while working on a rather monotonous project. He was talking about the needs of many to rush through personal growth to attain the trophy, and the accompanying disappointment of expectations. He said "measure from where you've come NOT from the ideal." When this finally sunk in, I felt so much better about where I'm standing right now-even if it's not where I imagined, or where I thought I'd be. My outstanding accomplishments of 2007 felt so much more energized than before. If this still doesn't feel good go back 10 years, if that doesn't work, go back farther. Do you remember when you couldn't read or how hard it felt to learn to tie your shoelaces?

My friend Steph said one of her New Year traditions was to write down what she learned in the last year. I can easiliy profess that I learned and appreciated the power of love this year. If you had asked me three months ago, I would've said love cannot conquer all. I used to think this phrase was only referring to the love others have for me-or a love outside of ourselves. While I still believe there are other contributing factors, I have had two significant relationships where the power of love intervened. Love for self filled the holes pain, unworthiness and ego bored into us, and allowed for an overflow of understanding and reconciliation, and two friends I dearly love reentered my life. Love had the strongest arms and tools, and we allowed the vulnerability of our weaknesses to be exposed and tenderly appreciated.

I am a different person than I was a year ago- and without looking forward-can say with gratitude that I am a better person.

The Best Gifts Come When You Least Expect Them

I don't know a single person who doesn't love to be appreciated. Most of us crave it, seek it through our actions-big or small-, and rarely give it to ourselves. How many times do we let all the "thank you's" we receive from others drift past us-barely registering or acknowledging them on our radar. If we do something with the understanding that it's out of our way, with our intentions set on acknowledgement, we certainly notice when we are not thanked. But does that mean that when we don't hear those two words that we haven't been appreciated? I'm beginning to challenge this notion more and more. Reciprocation occurs on many levels, sometimes simply on a energetic one. My guess is if our intentions and good deeds are on a purer level, and we provided a deeper appreciation for ourselves, we wouldn't need the verbal acknowledgement from others. However, the power and impact of a unexpected note of appreciation and acknowledgement cannot be understated. I've taken the effort over the last year to write down every day the things I love about myself and all the appreciation I have for the people, situations and things in my life. I believe the Law of Attraction holds true in this instance. I believe I have attracted more situations and people in my life who hold appreciation for me in return.

I spent nearly a year in Berkeley, California working with inner-city kids (mostly 5th graders) in an after-school program that provided environmental and outdoor education. Those who knew me during that year can attest that the work challenged me beyond my capabilities in many instances, and those kids felt at the time to be ungrateful, unappreciative and bored by the activities we did with them. I have always felt scarred by that time, although now I can appreciate the growth I experienced, and the accompanying strength I acquired. I didn't realize at the time until now what the prepaving of that experience gave me.

At the end of August I was asked if I'd like to do some watershed education with 6th graders up at Pingree Park (up the Poudre Canyon in CO) for their ecoweek. I myself attended ecoweek many years ago, so I remembered the area and some of the experience. I needed the work, so I agreed. I was skeptical and slightly dreaded the first day. It didn't help that my supervisor got violently ill on the drive up and hadn't trained me yet. I tried to get her to let us go back, mostly out of concern for her health, but truthfully I was hoping for a reasonable out. But Marcee's cranium is made of wood and we kept driving. We came over a hill and the view of the Mummy range nearly winded me. I remembered this view from nearly 25 years ago, and felt instantly sentimental. The first class was a little rough, but the kids were so enthusiastic and excited to look at water bugs under a microscope, their drawings so incredible and imaginative, I had instant appreciation for what I was doing. I didn't hurt that I was working in such a spectacular setting either. The fourth time I went up I spent the night, and was even surprised by how quiet the kids were- I think the teachers ran a tight ship. Marcee had gotten sick the drive up the day before so I had to teach the first class that day on my own. We worked with three classes on that trip, all from Tavelli elementary. They were a great bunch of kids overall, taught with caring and an involved group of teachers. Two weeks went by and I came in to do some work with Marcee and she gave me this thank you card. I at first couldn't figure out what the drawing was, thought it was sweet and put it away. But the second time I looked at it, I realized this amazing child had drawn a watershed- a cross section of the mountains, with a stream, a river and a pond-and then with a bluebird perching above it. The combination of the words, the effort, talent, and understanding of what we taught them in those two hours represented in the picture completely bowled me over. Kids are tricky to understand sometimes. You can never be that sure of your impact on them, particularly given such short interactions. But I knew from this one card that I had made an impression-and all that time and effort from the previous years in CA came into sharper focus and understanding. It's a lot to put on Ashley's card, but I finally felt the redemption. That little girl may feel more connected to nature, see a stream and its inhabitants different, and know the importance of protecting all of it now. And this gift to her and to me was unexpected.

The Gift of Half a Smile

I was walking the other day, rumbling around in my thoughts. Because it was still early and quiet, I knew what was going on in my head had been hanging around from the day before. I'd been trying to release it, and well to be honest it just wasn't floating off like it could. The funny thing about this whole releasing thing is that I always want to say "yes", I would like to let it go-whatever it is. The truth is, sometimes it's just not that easy, and I'm still holding on to it for whatever reason. Hale Dwoskin states in his book that sometimes just asking the question "can you let it go?", even if the answer is no, makes enough room to allow you to release later.
So here I was standing at a corner not even realizing the full extent of how heavy and low I'm feeling. A minivan pulls up on my left and starts to turn. The man driving turns to me, masked in a hat and sunglasses, and as he passes by gives me half a smile. My immediate reaction is to smile back and WHOOSH! the release occurs. I almost laughed out loud. It made me feel so ridiculous and wonderful at the same time. I could hugged this man for his amazingly small but super walloped smile. The signal turned green and I headed across the street with a lightness I certainly didn't have but a minute before. The impact of that smile really hit me on a couple of levels, and most importantly it made me realize that even though we may have no idea the consequences of our actions sometimes, something as simple and nearly effortless as half a smile could help someone else. It certainly reassured me to think if I am genuinely feeling good, and I let that joy bubble up to my face and pour out to others (even if it's just a little bit) it could really make a difference in someone else's experience. Now that's my kind of power.

Release! Release! Release!

Okay, so I wonder sometimes why we are so inclined to avoid doing things that have a very good possibility of improving our lives. I know the answer is probably that we're not ready, but in hindsight that answer usually seems to simplistic to me. I'm reading a fabulous book right now. I've known about the author and the concept for over a year. I've picked up the book, read the back, and then bought other books instead. For whatever reason I got it into my head recently to finally make a point of buying it. I found it right away, and can now barely stand to put it down. It's The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin. I think it's the missing piece of the puzzle I've been looking for. I know and understand many of the concepts of releasing resistance intellectually, but practicing it regularly in a formulated manner has been more challenging. The basic premise is that by releasing our emotions as they come, or by finding things we know we experience resistance about and releasing the feelings (not just the thoughts) that we can free ourselves permanently from their power over us. The cover of the book even so loftily claims that the method is "your key to lasting happiness, success, peace and emotional well-being". I can't claim any of that quite yet, but I can tell you two by-products of reading and practicing the principles of the first 131 pages I've read so far. 1. I've become hyper-sensitive to my feelings and the according thoughts. Now I've already been pretty conscious about that, but this really gears you up for that awareness and 2. I've honestly observed myself not reacting as extremely to things and people that might normally push my buttons. Hmm. There might be something to this. Of course this is something you have to consciously practice, but if the rewards are what I think they may be, what's a little letting go of the crap that's only holding me back anyway?

My favorite concept in this book so far is the idea that we may be resisting both sides of things we want. What Hale gives the example such as- say you want more money, a no brainer. Is it possible you are resisting not having money as much as you could be possibly wanting it? At first blush that sounds off, but think about it. How many of us have hang ups about other people with money. You see someone driving around in a car you covet and they happen to be a teenager. If you're like me, sometimes resentment may arise-I bet his dad bought him that! What did he do to deserve that expensive car? Whether we realize it or not these type of thoughts create resistance and very likely push money and abundance away from us. Maybe we fear what others will think of us, how they'll relate to us, or what they'll expect from us if we come into a windfall or become wildly successful. Money may be a more obvious thing to have a lot of resistance but what about other things? Another common one is our bodies. Maybe you want to get skinny and toned. I think many people may stay complacent about their bodies because well let's face it, it takes some work to get in shape, cook differently, say no to food someone else makes, it takes money to buy new "skinny" clothes and so on. So The Sedona Method has the possibility to really help getting energy lined up because you simply release the emotions and resistance. And I mean simply. Here's the questions you answer when releasing:

Asking one of the three questions avoiding any internal debate or thought- "Could I let this feeling go? Could I allow this feeling to be here? Could I welcome this feeling?"

Then depending on your answer- Would I? In other words: "Am I willing to let go?"

Then- "When?" And I swear if even if you say no or never, you are likely to feel some of your resistance dissolve.

Crazy simple right? He evens says that you can release on good feeling thoughts. Why the heck would we want to do that right? Well as an experiment I did that, and strangely enough I felt even better after doing so.

All I know is there may be something incredibly profound about this concept. I'd love it for someone else to pick this book up and let me know what they think. In the meantime, if you're wondering where's Katy? Don't worry, she's just letting go.

Tweak it a bit

I haven't written on my blog in quite some time. I guess I haven't felt inspired to do so, considering my audience may have shrunk from two to one. But I remembered how good it felt to put my writing and spin on things out to the universe. I recently described my current reality as feeling like I had my landing gear down and was just circling the runway, waiting to land. I then had my reality and attitude described back to me as if it was like I had been sitting in a comfortable chair, but was now sitting in an ackward, uncomfortable position. Like the movie had ended and there I was still sitting in the theatre. The fun was over, and everyone else had transitioned and here I was still sitting there. I think sometimes when we're waiting for a big change, we start to see that change as the answer of the improvement of things. Like the girl waiting by the phone, hoping for the call from the hot guy, I've held my life and feelings hostage to this ship that I'm waiting to come in. And god does it seem to take forever. It's challenging to have done so much work on myself, experience a huge transition in many areas of my life, and keep up with the person I've become. I think in many ways that's why I'm feeling so disoriented and some of the losses and transition. I have wanted changes, they came and I'm still trying to relate and react to them like the old Kate, not the new me.

So I've decided to show the universe my willingness to accept change by tweaking my world a bit. I rearranged my room and changed the background on my phone. I've been taking new routes to go places I go to a lot-finding new things to appreciate along the way, and I even cut my hair a bit different and it's now extra sassy! It's amazing how by doing little things, I feel renewed, even more enthusiastic about my little routines. The point is to start to feel better now, not later, not once the bank account is filled, not once he shows up, not once I have more friends to spend time with, not once I buy the shoes, clothes and suit I want--but NOW. Our point of power is in the present moment, and these little exercises in change help a lot. I used to view myself as needing to be very routine oriented, that that helped me stay grounded and sane. But as I continue to practice the ability to feel good no matter what's going on around me, I find my creativity sparked in creating the same feelings a routine gives me, but in different situations. What a wonderful gift of freedom! I needn't feel handcuffed when things go awry, but find opportunities in seeing things I hadn't seen before. There's always something I can appreciate in every moment if I focus on that intention. And the best part is, it gets easier the more you do it.

Love to you in your journey.

The Art of Self Loving

Ok, just to clarify for those who read this and know me well... I'm not about to give detailed instructions on how to make a night in alone more exciting, I'm talking about the more allusive and challenging concept of really loving the person we are right now. Not loving who I would be 5 lbs thinner, or $100,000 richer, or soulmate in tow, or clear skin forever, but me in this very moment-vulnerable, mildly sad and wanting for the things my mind can't figure out a way to have. A good friend lent me her book by Louise Hay, called You Can Heal Your Life. What grabbed me was the illustrations, but hooked me for the haul was within the first two sentences. "We create situations, and then we give our power away by blaming the other person for our frustration. No person, no place and no thing has power over us, for we are the only thinkers in it. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives." BUT the biggest premise is that "when we really love and accept and APPROVE OF OURSELVES EXACTLY AS WE ARE, then everything in life works." Easy right? I've noticed it's much easier to observe and catch other people pulling out the bats to clobber themselves with than myself. But I recently got called out as a perfectionist last week, and I can't honestly think of a more unforgiving, uncompassionate, self-critical human condition than trying to be perfect in what every scenario a person will try to hammer, squeeze, twist and push themselves to fit into. Have I really been this hard on myself for all these years? Yup. So how in the hell did this happen? Especially if I came out of the womb so happy, joyful and connected (well except for the sore fanny)? Well, most of us know the answer to that, and the truth is those who helped and hindered us along the way were really just doing the best they could with their own beliefs-some of lack, hardship and pain, others of love, laughter and awe. As I'm reading this book, it just seems so simple to start changing my thoughts through simple affirmations like " I approve of myself" and "Love is everywhere and I am loving and lovable." And of course she suggests you say the first affirmation several hundred times a day. But the perspective is slowly changing. I have literally had some of the nicest smiles coming my way in the last week than I've noticed before. I even had someone turn in my wallet filled with cash and credit cards at a crowded movie theatre when I left it god knows where. I can't help but think there's something to all this, especially when I think of the happiest people I've known, vs. the most unhappiest. The journey of self discovery is full of speed bumps for a reason.

My coach said tonight during our session that have you ever noticed that when we are often complimented (particularly women in this culture) about how we look - or first thoughts maybe, "No, my hair isn't cooperating, or are you sure my hips don't look too big, or I think I look fat", but if you compliment a 7 year old they'll say " I know! My mom helped me with my hair and I have a new ribbon and I just love this dress!". Good point. So off I go to repeat my affirmations to see if I can work on clearing out the garbage, only 179 more times to go...

I was just stretching!

My friend Steph and I have been on quite the journey these days. We were talking and processing all the recent changes in our lives, joking about how crazy it all feels when I had this image of a galloping horses scooping us up and riding away. I told her about this and she laughed and said "I was just stretching!". But the truth is, no matter how much we want change and things to go differently in a way that improves our lives for the better- when it does show up, it can be rapid, overwhelming and mind boggling. The funny thing is, she and I have been "preparing and asking for all of this". But my goodness it certainly showed up so quickly that we couldn't and didn't want to get out of the way of the galloping horse. Also, the manifestation of the new steps on our paths appeared so magically and nearly instantaneously that we barely had time to think about them- it was either act now, or say no thanks.
Speaking for myself, I acted on a whim (or intuition some might say) and was given a choice of YES or no to the situation- no maybes, no hemming or hawing, just a HELL YES or HELL NO. And the person that was making the offer was paying very close attention to my decision making process as an indicator of my openness and commitment. My logic/reason had no time to really process the whole scenario. Some may say that was a bad thing- but my opinion is that sometimes mulling things over allows all the fears, doubts and insecurities to invade your clarity. I went with my heart, my inspiration and my gut. So I possibly just said yes to the most important 6 mos of my life. I just jumped on the fast track and my dream life is speeding toward me. It will be a ton of work, but will hopefully be the kind of work that is fun, rewarding, inspiring and will help create my "10" life. I had a major part in creating this opportunity, and it snapped into place like a Lego, another piece that will help me create my dream. I got lined up and then got out of my own way. And we thought we were just stretching! Imagine every choice was like that...

Relax already

I was playing tennis with my sister yesterday, and kept noticing that as soon as I relaxed and had fun my playing vastly improved and I'd be rewarded with a great shot- even if it was slammed back at me. I could just play in this place without thought and let my body and mind work their magic. As soon as I got frustrated by a misplaced shot or serve, I got "bunched up" and my game and attitude immediately deteriorated. I kept saying to Shannon, "I play so much better when I just relax". I must of said it two or three times and her response each time was, "Don't we all". I know this applies to every aspect of my life, and I don't doubt that you know this too. I know that I need the contrast of every frustrating annoyance in our life, and the fortitude and concentration to refocus on allowing, letting go and relaxing. This is a practice and art that I want to refine and keep in mind. Not always easy to remember or live, but the rewards come almost immediately if not in my immediate surroundings, but in how I feel. I feel better, and better and better- even if I'm starting from the worst of places.

I recently graduated from Bard College, and got a Master's Degree in Environmental Policy. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I started, and the experience quickly got away from me as I "bunched up" about grades, my intelligence compared to others, what I'd do with this degree, the expectations of others, and the biggest issue of the expectations I had of myself. Needless to say the first semester was miserable for me and those who tried their best to support me through this process. I found that when I came back from the semester break, that I didn't try to defeat myself by reading every extraneous journal article assigned, freak out by overwhelming myself by the big picture and I did much better grade-wise and my attitude improved. However, the lesson that replaced this one learned was being around the toxic attitudes of my classmates who chose to see the garbage in everything and not involving myself. At first I kept trying to readjust people by reframing the conversation, but found that this didn't work and others resented the interjection, and I felt pulled down in the process. I felt a tremendous relief when I came back to CO for my internship and had 7 months away from the situation. I came back in January to finish up my thesis and the semester went great- few glitches, more time and room to grow personally, and support from my advisor. This wasn't everyone's reality, but I made sure it was mine.

I've come back home and noticed that I have tried to repeat this same forcing of alignment and adjustment to my family. I have a clearer vision of myself and those I love, and I will always have challenges because I want to continue to grow and love. It can be difficult to not want to get others to see my new perspective and use it themselves. But I've watched my words and tone alienate and distance me and my love ones. My new focus is to be more impeccable with my words and as The Beatles so aptly coined the best way to interact with others... "Let it Be". It's truly more important to let people choose their own experience and if they want to know where my inspiration and joy is coming from, I can model it for them as best as I can which help us all. Minding my own business is my new mission for my interaction with others, and if I do offer an opinion to be impeccable with my words AND tone. How I say something is as important as my words.

I thought I'd add some quotes that helped and inspired me in this regard.

"Choose what feels good to you and leave everybody else to choose what they want. Don't spend any time saying, "They should choose differently and they'd feel better." Instead say, "They're choosing whatever they're choosing; I'm choosing what I'm choosing, and I'm feeling good while I'm choosing it." And let that be the end of it. Be certain that you are connected to your Source Energy, and let everybody else figure it out for themselves. Some of them will adore you, some of them will hate you -- and none of it has anything to do with you."- Abraham-Hicks.com

"The secret of the universe is minding your own business. What we mean by that is: Don’t get so involved in the desires or beliefs of others that it causes you confusion or chatter in your own vibration and compromises your alignment. When you let nothing be more significant than your own alignment with your desire, then everything in the universe is working in concert for you. It is anyway, but your not letting it in if you are misaligned." Abraham-Hicks

Relaxing and allowing- whew! What concepts!

Faith visits

I pulled "Faith" as my Angel Card this morning. It's two angels, one hanging from a trapeze swing with her arms outstretched and another angel who's taken the leap from her swing and is reaching for the other angel's hands. I love the card, but I always get a little "fluttery" when I see it. For some reason yesterday, I was thinking of my worst moments away from home in my new jobs/rooms/school/ in CA, MT, GA, NY. I remembered very clearly hysterically calling my mom while sitting in my Saturn when it was raining out-it matched my mood terribly. I think it was my very very bottom here and it was Oct 4th, 2005. I was SO upset, why am I here, I'm not as good as these people, I'm not as smart as these people, I should go back to CO and Norlarco, what am I going to use this degree for, what if I can't get a good paying job? My car was facing this small shallow pond on the farm by the road. As my wipers cleared the window, I saw a heron in the pond. It was one of the most beautiful and painful moments in my life, and to me that bird will always be faith visiting me. I still kept crying and worrying, but that heron was the stillness and assurance in my storm. I knew it, and to a great extent ignored it, but I still felt it. I hope that you see your heron and feel the same small and persistent comfort. If we pay attention, it's strong and undeniable. If we ignore it, it's still there, but a whisper like our mothers soothe us as babies as we cry and scream.

Terrific Power

Have you ever had a glimpse of your true power? Maybe you've been working toward a particular goal or dream, and it's nearly within your grasp, only to touch it for a fraction of a second. This happened to me today, for more than one thing. Today is my day of power. Not that yesterday wasn't, or tomorrow won't be-but today I saw it, I paid attention to it, I acknowledged it.

What was special about today... I allowed the culimination of my work- spiritual and intellectual- manifest into a 4 hour period. I completed the first draft of my Master's Thesis and handed it in, and I developed the presentation for my collegues. Both of these tasks were equally daunting, requiring I overcome and reconcile my fear of my academic intellectuals judging my work, and my fear of public speaking. I also have a secret goal I haven't told anyone about, that I achieved a 50% success with-which, believe me -was an achievement. When I achieve this last goal ,

my life will take a turn for the truly extraoridnary. But it's my secret until I decide otherwise. This evening, I felt a charge of true success and acceptance. I am truly worthy of my dreams and goals, and my achievements only reinforce my own magnificence. This, from a woman who has previously used personal achievements like a drive-thru. Just give me my stuff and I'm on my way onto the next thing-never truly acknowledging herself and the time and worth of what was given and received. I'm not talking about what others gave me, but giving myself the kudos for loving my demons, my fears and holding my own hand while experiencing my weaknesses. I'm finally becoming the kind of best friend to myself as I am to others. I'm on the brink of getting a Master's degree I nearly quit more times than I could count, and a spiritual breakthrough that will allow more love and abundance in my life than I ever thought possible. What do I do?

My toes are poking over the ledge of my own limitations.

I've never been more excited to jump off the cliff...

Following the fruit loops

I was telling my friend early today, that I feel like the universe is leading me on a path lined with fruit loops. Obviously an incentive I need to keep following the way I've choosen for myself and am co-creating with the universe. I had originally referred to the experience as a bread crumb trail, but the power of the Hansel and Gretl story still has a negative sway for the child in me. I liked the image of Boo from Monsters, Inc following the fruit loops trail, and I can even hear her crunch as I write this.

I've discovered one of the great challenges in my life (and many I suppose) is being consistent with faith. Trust is a sticky one in this society. We are taught to fear nearly everything, and being in the professional field I am in (environmental policy), many choose to convey urgency through fear and worst case scenarios. But once I get right with myself, it feels easier to let go of the "we're all screwed" philosophy in favor of the "everything is alright". Notice I didn't say will be or should be or can be, but rather -is. I'm not writing in this blog only to document the times I feel high while trying to implement the spiritual principles highlighted from The Secret and Abraham, but to speak of how I feel after coming through my rough spots.

I felt heavier yesterday and was challenged by negative thoughts all this morning. I was feeling, to a certain degree, dread for a meeting I had with my advisor to go over the first rough draft of my thesis. I had taken a break from working on it since Friday when it was due, and had observed others struggling with the deadline and feeling bad. I worried here and there that I hadn't worked hard enough, felt guilt, and worried she'd tell me that the whole thing sucked and needed some major overhaul. I still made a concerted effort to nip these thoughts, turning away any true focus on them, but they did exist. I met with her this afternoon and she hadn't had a chance to read my paper yet. I almost got irked at this, but chose not to. She actually had read it through once, but hadn't made comments on it. So instead of having a conversation about the details, she let me tell her my concerns and walked me through my feelings about it. It turned out that I got every validation I needed from her. She told me I was the only one to have met her deadlines, that I had obviously done a lot of work, and that we'd get through the sections that I felt needed strengthening. She helped me face another fear I had about sharing my document with my 3rd reader (even though that's what she's there for!). I left her office feeling wonderful-relieved, encouraged and inspired. Granted I still have to go back for the review, but she provided me what I needed THEN. I emailed the pertinent sections to my 3rd reader and will be able to get feedback from her as well. Goodness! It amazed me. I was also encouraged that the little bit of worrying I had done didn't manifest into this monsterous experience that instantaneously bit me on the ass.

There just might be something to this! ;) Onwards and upwards.

Choosing to Float

So one of the things I've been doing to encourage myself is tracking the things I'm manifesting in my day. I think sometimes the little things are the easist to see or acknowledge.

I woke up and the first thing I saw was my computer. I immediately had a feeling of anxiety. If you've been trying to write a thesis like I am, or tie a good deal of your work and creativity into a computer, you may understand. I acknowledged that crappy feeling and tried to put my focus somewhere else. I opened the shade in my room and just let the feeling go so I could muster some excitement for my day. What do you know, that's exactly what happened. I don't know why, but I decided to go to the pool and swim. I've been wanting to do this for nearly a month. I even found a pair of goggles when I first decided to swim, but I didn't go. I did what I think a lot of us do- I let the enthusiasm pitter out, finding excuses and reasons not to do it. I don't like chlorine, I don't want to see myself in a swim suit, I don't want to get cold, I don't.... ya da ya da. But I lit a fire under my ass this fine sunday morning and off I went. I wanted a lane to myself, and I wanted to swim for 20 minutes. I got ready, whipped by the mirrors not caring to look or even think about my swimsuit. As I prepared to get into a lane with another swimmer, a gentleman got out and I was able to have my own lane. Lovely! I got in and the water felt great, it wasn't too strong in chlorine, and the swimming was so much fun. Ok, so I got my ass kicked at first-out pacing my capabality, I spaced I was in the deep end and gulped a bunch a water when I sunk, but I kept at it. I even swam for 10 minutes longer than I had originally planned, and I almost didn't want to get out of the water. The sunlight came in to one section of the pool and when I saw it under water it reminded me of diving. So as an added bonus I was able to be reminded of one of my goals which is to go scuba diving soon. I remembered what Bob Doyle said on The Secret about doing what you can to get into the feeling of having what you want, so incidentally I benefitted from swimming in pool that was no where near the Caribbean. If I pay attention and look for what pleases me, I find them. I'm going to make a concerted effort to look for what I want to see. A positive feedback loop is bound to develop- see sunset feel good- see red cardinal in tree feel good-see sunshine feel good-get positive feedback on my thesis feel good.

Ok so maybe I'm gushing a little, but it's so much better than sitting around worrying about all the crap that could go wrong- as it builds and builds and barrels toward me like a freight train. I may not have a great days all the time, but I'm certainly not going to try and put it out there anymore as a command.

My quote for the day is:

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow" Helen Keller ( Secret Master)

"The Secret" Hype

Ok, so maybe you've heard something about the movie "The Secret". The teachers featured on this movie have been on Oprah, Larry King Live, and others. I even heard Bill Maher crack a joke about the Law of Attraction and the movie last week. So what's the big deal and why buy into the hype? I don't consider myself a sucker, nor am I a some kool-aid drinking zombie ready to follow what others see as the "true awakening". The law of attraction rings a bell for me- and a loud one at that. So consider seeing what the buzz is about, and even experiment with the lessons and see what happens. It may not be instantaneous, but what do you have to lose? A couple of minutes of less of complaints will make any one feel better, and maybe this movie and the teachings are how you can actually get what you want.
Check out my website, http://moreagape.theofficialsecretseminar.com/or go to www.thesecret.tv to order the movie- you can even watch it online.
Let me know what you think.

A conversation with a chipmunk and other weird encounters with wildlife

So I was walking to the office of my graduate advisor yesterday and while walking on the path, I noticed this tiny chipmunk sitting on a log. Ok, so no big deal to some, but I stopped in my tracks. He/she didn't move, and stared right at me. It felt like a staring contest, it went on much longer than I would've ever thought. This guy had something to say to me. I kept expecting him to scurry off in panic. Nope. Just stared and stared and stared. I had to smile at all this. For one thing, this guy was cute as hell and another thing, he was ballsy for a little squat. I have no idea what we communicated to each other, but he didn't move until I told him I had to go- I started walking and off he went.


When I was heading back to the dorm a few hours later in this wicked snowstorm (I'm in Southern NY finishing my Master's degree), something caught my eye. I see this red northern cardinal on a bush close by. He doesn't seemed to be phased at all at the wind and blowing snow. Again, I had to stop and check him out. I had wondered if he was the same guy I'd seen trying to crack into the library window on campus. I keep seeing this crazy cardinal trying to get into the library. What does he think he's going to find in there- enlightenment and a guide to picking up chicks? More likely he'll find a bunch a wacky-haired Bard undergrads putzing around in their academic angst. I could only watch in for a few seconds, as it was colder than a witch's tit and I could barely see. So I keep walking for awhile, and sure as shit, I look up again and he's across the road looking at me again. Weird right? Or is it just ridiculous notion of connection to NY woods and their nutty inhabitants? All I know is these critters make me smile, feel good and want to see more of their kind. With so much going on in my life right now, I'll take that.