Dum spiro, spero

While I breathe, I hope.

I don't know where I've been this weekend. I just know I've done some serious deconstructing of beliefs I have held steadfast to. I'm talking about the kind of things I was sure about myself-some of which I've believed were necessary to my safety in this world. Somewhere in the span of navigating our way through the waters we all develop and cling to things we are positive we need to protect ourselves from others. The odd thing is these truths are the same walls that prevent us from being loved-holding us apart from the vulnerability that will bring us to our knees, encompassing a weakness that we fear is untolerable. What I'm realizing bit, by bit, is that this paradigm is just that. Ways of moving through conversations and looks and energy fields that were just illusions of safety that I thought I needed, that were necessary for me to identify with.

I know I'm being vague. I often seek two things, approval and control. It occured to me recently how much I seek to be disapproved of, and how much with certain people, in certain situations I seek to be separate. I want to walk into a room at times and be loved, be admired, be unique and be left alone-all at the same time. How is that possible? What contradictions! I knew the first three, but the fourth shocked me a bit. I've known I have this energy I put out that is meant to protect and separate me, but I've been questioning lately why it's necessary anymore. I wonder why I want it, and the more I think about it, feel it, I would like to let it go. I think it's what holds me apart from love-not just a partner, but from those who could support me on my path. If I could attract two more smiles, a friendly opening in traffic and wave, or maybe helping hands with my career and friendship, why hold onto these walls I've built since whenever I found the first bricks?

It's strange, my intention was to write this blog in a completely different direction. The expectation of what was to come. I loved this Canadian blog I came across while looking for pictures related to that. It's where I found the Latin title and accompanying meaning. But more than just finding a pretty picture, I remembered that writing this blog is about believing in myself and this peculiar journey. I am complicated. But the beautiful thing is that no one I know isn't. We're all celtic knots, intertwined and tangled to form lovely and intriguing combinations that may never be fully unlocked.