The Gifts of the Year

The general insanity of this time of year lends itself to the occasional parting of the chaos to view what we truly have to be grateful for. With all the media focus on the gloom of circumstances of our outside world (inside as well for too many of us), I thought I’d write an entry that aimed to refocus anyone who chooses to read this. While I didn’t meet my 2008 goal to write a daily gratitude list, I believe I’ve served myself by keeping a mental tally whenever possible in my head. I’ve also gotten better at helping others do the same. I think what I’ve excelled at is drilling down to levels others may not access.
Example: Today and for the last days, weeks, months, years, etc you hate your job. It offers no redeemable fulfillment to your passion, satisfaction, etc. You feel no acknowledgment, no added worth, no appreciation for the work you do. In this harsh light, no wonder its hard to get out of work in the morning, Sunday nights are hell and Mondays and Tuesdays feel like extended torture sessions. Time for a reframe, and try not to argue with me to twist your thoughts back into your place of misery.
Your job and income may not offer you satisfaction, but it does place food on your table, pay for clean water from your tap, take waste away from your house (toilet, sink, curbside pickup, dumpsters), heats your home, lights your way so you don’t trip, can read and see to cook, provides a comfortable and warm bed to sleep in, pays for transportation in whatever form you choose, provides a space for refuge and entertainment, it allows you to go places so you can get perspective and peace, it may allow you to feed your children, pay for public education, parks, good roads, order and protection, artwork in public places, sidewalks, bike lanes, access to some of the best medical professionals in the world if you god forbid you become ill or injured, cleaner air, cleaner water, cleaner roads, beautiful and comfortable clothes, shoes for your feet, hot water to clean your dishes, soak and clean your body, and a toothbrush and paste so people will talk to you. Maybe this terrible job allows you to find your way to some other profession because now you know what you DON’T want to do. Please be careful not to devalue this particular characteristic. Many of us have spent precious time and resources doing things we thought we wanted to do only to realize differently—this was not a mistake or a waste of energy, this was part of the beautiful process of elimination.
There are always more chances and choices to have and be made.
You will always miss 100% of the shots you do not take.

I know and am maybe more cognizant at this time of what a great year it’s been for me. But I know what it took for me to get here—sacrifices, compromises, moments of panic and doubt and downright sheer terror. I know that this too shall pass. But I truly believe that most of it was possible for the simple reason that I believed it could be, for me and for you. With so much focus this year on lack, I wanted to show who ever took the time to read this (thank goodness for that great skill!) that I don’t take any of this new found abundance for granted. And the truth is that I am not any more worthy than you or anyone else. We all are worthy of the goodness this experience has to offer.
I wish for you all the abundance you deserve and are so worthy of: more laughter, joy, love, prosperity, hugs, kisses, smiles, and peace. Blessed be.

Applied Hope

I haven't written in awhile, but I came upon this quote that I loved about hope--the need for the application of it rather than just the belief. I felt grateful for it, as I have struggled with trying to find a way to infuse my beliefs into my work. I know that I have at times a wonderful ability to inspire and I need this skill and gift now more than ever. As my flashlight dims in the tunnel, panic rises in my throat, I remember that I am my own light. I needn't seek others out for batteries or another form of energy to fuel mine--the well is always there, I just forget that it is in a constant state of renewal. Only I am responsible for pinching off the flow with stress, worry and doubt. I brought in all the goodness into my life, allowed it to come and was aware enough to see it before me. I wish you moments of peace, love and joy and ask that you to calm down enough to see all your abundance in the forms of smiling faces, food on your table, clothes on your back and shelter that keeps you safe. Blessed be.

“We work hard to make the world better, not from some airy theoretical hope, but in the practical and grounded conviction that starting with hope and acting out of hope can cultivate a different kind of world worth being hopeful about, reinforcing itself into a virtuous spiral. Applied hope is not about some vague, far-off future but is expressed and created moment by moment through our choices.

Applied hope is not mere optimism. The optimist treats the future as fate, not choice, and thus fails to take responsibility for making the world we want. Applied hope is a deliberate choice of heart and head. The optimist has his feet up on the desk and a satisfied smirk knowing the deck is stacked. The person living in hope has her sleeves rolled up and is fighting hard to change or beat the odds. Optimism can mask cowardice. Hope requires fearlessness.

In a world short of both hope and time, we seek to practice Raymond Williams’s truth that “To be truly radical is make hope possible, not despair convincing.” Hope becomes possible, practical-even profitable-when advanced resource efficiency turns scarcity into abundance. The glass, then is neither half empty nor half full; rather, it has a 100 percent design margin, expandable by efficiency.”
~Amory Lovins~

Lessons from the Needy and Weak Moments

I’ve experienced a good deal of stress lately. My recently attained position is a wonderful thing. But as most people know, even good change can cause disruption, upheaval and stress. I ran into many old patterns, feelings and reactions last week. Performance anxiety has been a big one lately, and the fear of disappointing others through a lack of delivery and service is taking too much room on my plate. Goodness! I can be hard on myself. I’ve never had a job that was created and new. I have such a tremendous opportunity to learn, experiment and grow. What do I do with my energy instead? I use up my creative energy and power worrying about how I’m going to do it all. I can’t think of a worse way to approach this. Granted it’s understandable, but it certainly isn’t helpful.

I was thinking about how I can manage my stress better and it really comes down to remembering the basics: exercise, eating better, meditating, do things that are fun and make me laugh and breathing deep. Ok, every one knows this stuff is good to do, but when push comes to shove most of us would rather dig into the Halloween candy, or open another bottle of beer, smoke, and then take Tylenol pm –whatever people do to tune out and turn off. I may be externalizing as this sounds like my last 10 days… Boy have I been guilty of these things lately. But I realized that as I go through this period that if I can just add one more thing to appreciate in this time, I am better off than I was when I looked for all the things that could go wrong. I am more aware now of this, and can hopefully watch out for myself slipping again. I want to be easier on myself if I melt down occasionally, because the truth is I’ve come a long way in how I react and handle myself. I have more perspective and have a great opportunity to learn about what works and what doesn’t. And nothing is wrong with finding out what doesn’t work. Just move on and try something different.

I read this quote out of a Bill Harris letter and it helped me appreciate from a higher elevation how I’ve grown and continue to do so. It’s simply a good reminder.
“The great modern philosopher and developmental psychologist Ken Wilber is fond of saying that spiritual development (in fact, all development) is a matter of adopting additional perspectives. We begin life with a very limited perspective. As we develop — as we evolve spiritually — we add additional perspectives. As we add perspectives, our awareness expands. In fact, these are just two different ways of describing the same phenomenon. You might say that as we develop we increasingly perceive and experience how everything is connected and goes together — we focus more on the relationships between people, things, and events — rather than seeing and experiencing people, things, and events as separate from each other. In other words, our perspective becomes more holistic. The more we see things in terms of how they are separate, the more likely we are to be unhappy, fearful, anxious, unsuccessful, and isolated. The more we see how everything goes together and depend on everything else, the more likely we are to feel good, to feel connected to the world and other people, and to be successful. In other words, the more perspectives we are able to take... ...the better life works.”

The Good, The Bad, and the Grateful

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the strange combination of good and bad. It seems that with all the changes in my life over the past years (yes I have had chill years, although I can’t remember what that’s like), there seems to be a distinct balance to the experience. And dammit it seems to be grounded in some universal truth. With the good comes the bad. Now, I know there is also a choice in perspective in this statement. I pick what’s good and I pick what I think is bad. But if there’s one true thing about such a statement, it is that time can give you the space place to view the emergence of events.

For example: I remember complaining about having to take meeting notes for three separate groups this winter during my internship. I tried at the beginning to feel grateful for the opportunity to learn more about these topics. But I hated having to take notes, not being able to participate, and sit there basically focusing on what was being said. I was fairly new to the dynamics of the City’s Utilities and I was sitting in groups with upper management. I didn’t know much about what was being discussed, I slowly learned, and through my diligence and attention to detail, somehow I established credibility with the members in each of these meetings. I gained an important professional ally who saw potential in me--some of his understanding of me is still a mystery. But slowly I watched in amazement as I gained respect, accolades and more responsibility. I earned a fat raise, and a month ago was given the opportunity to facilitate and coordinate the activities of two of these groups, while still participating with the other. I was offered a contract position, which allows me to continue to develop with these two projects. I was nervous at first of the idea of only have a year’s worth of security (the bad), but I realized that a year is a long time to develop and move forward. I could never have predicted when I sat in those first meetings, grumbling and feeling devalued as a simple “note-taker” that things would end up in this spot. Seeing this happen in my own life instills a greater sense of trust in how things evolve. Reserving judgment might be a good practice in those first blush moments. I also feel a little more understanding that I could be better off not knowing how the story of each novella in my life ends. I hope that next time I feel panicked about a situation and how bad it seems at the time that I can remember to stop, drop the thoughts and trust. I needn’t create additional suffering in my life by focusing on how bad it is, how bad it can get and how it will stay like that forever. If I pay attention, look and then focus on it—I can see the abundance and miracles I doubted and never thought were possible surrounding me.


Thanks T—you helped me remember why I write these…

It's Not All Hunky Dory...

Ok, as most who know me can attest, I’ve been alone a lot and been searching a long time. Now that I stumbled across a fine man who matches me, things should be set for me right? Well, for those who have forgotten or are under the misguided assumption (definitely include me in this group) that a mate will make things perfect, we are sorely mistaken. Geez, now the work begins: Battling demons to be your friend and ally instead of an enemy, shining the light on your insecurities so they dissipate, staying open, letting go of the gripping fear that can accompany being open, staying balanced and caring to yourself, being honest no matter how the other person reacts, doing best to keep your hands off the window you used to throw yourself out of…It’s exhausting. I’ve even had the strangest manifestations lately. While laughing and having a good ol’ time, a wasp flew into the car I was in to sting me on my lower inner thigh! Zowie-- that was a damper to the fun! Not to mention when I looked up the symbolism of a wasp, it was to maintain direct communication with honesty and clarity. Have I not been doing that? I certainly don’t think I needed an itchy, red and angry sting to pull me into that realization.
It really is amazing how the body reacts to change and stress. Systems go haywire so that you have to address the obvious imbalance—incessant fantasies, curiosity and an overall lack of presence, too much food, booze, lack of personal time, combined with the killer combo of lack of sleep and too much romping. Few people would not have to put the vessel in dry dock for repair. It is a great reminder to take care of the one person that should matter the most to us, ourselves. If we don’t tend to our own feelings, get out of balance and spin into dysfunction, we have nothing left to give others. Maintaining our drive for our own satisfaction in life is so important. Projects and passions that once inspired us should not be set aside for anything-- for these are where we are reminded of our true selves, our creativity is set free, and we offer more to the world than just a partnership with another (no matter how powerful that may be).

The Dragon and the Princess

I came upon this story while reading After the Ecstacy, the Laundry by Jack Kornfield. It was a beautiful metaphor for the as Jack calls it, "entering the silence of the forest"...as we enter the beginning steps in our chosen spiritual practice.

"A traditional Swedish story gives a sense of the next phase of the journey. Because of the mishaps of her parents, a young princess named Aris must be betrothed to a fearful dragon. When the king and queen tell her, she becomes frightened for her life. But recovering her wits, she goes out beyond the market to seek a wise woman, who has raised twelve children and twenty-nine grandchildren, and knows the ways of dragons and men.

The wise woman tells Aris that she indeed must marry the dragon, but there are proper ways to approach him. She then gives instructions for the wedding night. In particular, the princess is bidden to wear ten beautiful gowns, one on top of another.

The wedding takes place. A feast is held in the palace, after which the dragon carries the princess off to his bedchamber. When the dragon advances toward his bride, she stops him, saying that she must carefully remove her wedding attire before offering her heart to him. And he too, she adds (instructed by the wise woman), must properly remove his attire. To this he willingly agrees.

"As I take off each layer of my gown, you must also remove a layer." Then, taking off the first gown, the princess watches as the dragon sheds his outer layer of scaly armor. Though it is painful, the dragon has done this periodically before. But then the princess removes another gown, and then another. Each time the dragon finds he too must claw off a deeper layer of scales. By the fifth gown the dragon begins to weep copious tears at the pain. Yet the princess continues.

With each successive layer the dragon's skin becomes more tender and his form softens. He becomes lighter and lighter. When the princess removes her tenth gown, the dragon releases the last vestige of dragon form and emerges as a man, a fine prince whose eyes sparkle like a child's, released at last from the ancient spell of his dragon form. Princess Aris and her new husband are then left to the pleasures of their bridal chamber, to fulfill the last advice of the wise woman with twelve children and twenty-nine grandchildren.

As in a dream, all the figures in such a story can be found within us. ...What this story reveals from the start is that the journey is not about going into the light. The forces of our human history and entanglement are tenacious and powerful. The path to inner freedom requires passing through them. Receiving grace, opening to illumination, becoming wise has not been easy even for the masters...

The first beauty is important to remember. But we must also remember the weeks of pain and considerable struggle that went before, and the years of practice that must follow. When we seek to open to the illumination of the divine, even if we know that the prince and princess will succeed in awakening, even if we can actually glimpse the sacred wedding, we cannot just go to the last page of the story and live happily ever after. We have to go through the great fear of marrying the dragon, the seeking of wise counsel, and the long process of releasing the painful habits we have clung to. It is the difficult, slow letting go that allows us to awaken from our enchancement."

I have been clawing off my scales, crying my own tears of pain along with the beauty of release. I wish you much love and strength as you release yours.

The False Peak

When I was nineteen, I climbed La Plata Peak with my boyfriend Alan and his mountain goat parents Bill and Gentry. La Plata is one of Colorado’s famous fourteen thousand foot elevation mountains, the 5th highest to be exact. For me, it was supposed to be a beautiful hike, for my compadres it was part of a goal, a mission, and a thing to be “bagged”. Looking back now, it was a fundamental difference in philosophy and experience that resulted in the diminishment of my good time.

I recently had an experience that reminded me of this hike. I have made a concerted effort of late to open my heart. I heard a lecture from Mile High church in the Denver area that inspired me to develop a new intention for this chapter in my life. It was to live with an undefended heart. I created some space by releasing with the Sedona Method and started to feel better and better. It’s amazing how creating such space and openness brings up a natural sense of courage. It wasn’t like one day I said –Hey! I feel like I can seize the day! It was just available to me, unblocked at the surface waiting for me to use it.
So one day recently I did just that. I had the emotional courage to put myself out there and someone picked up on it and I got a couple of dates. While I initially got swept away a bit in the enthusiasm and excitement of someone new, I realized fairly quickly that what I came upon was not what it appeared. When all those years ago I struggled up that wicked trail to La Plata, I came upon the summit. I remember feeling such overwhelming sense of relief in my body and mind as I sighed into knowing the work of getting there was nearly done. To my dismay, I was informed I had just encountered a false peak. It was as disappointing as it sounds. The summit was close, but I still had a ways to go. My most recent encounter with this rather fine gentleman was just like that. He fit the bill to 90+%. Some would be thrilled with that, pushing and cajoling it until you shaved off the edges and lodged that oval peg into the round hole.
I felt completely perplexed for days as to the purpose of this “close but no cigar” experience. One day I was pissed for hours, raging my anger at the universe that was obviously tricking and toying with me. Then I relaxed after speaking with my Zen’d out friend who held a sleeping newborn on her chest. The lesson for me is not to deal with the frustration of having more road to travel, nor the disappointment in meeting a great guy whose heart still happens to be smoking from the last woman who set it afire. I realized that this false peak was about building confidence in my ability to maintain and display my true self. I was honest, respectful and centered during the time I spent with this guy in a way I’ve never been before. No obsessing, fretting, molding myself to fit and show the “perfect Kate”, nor did I seek approval in whatever shape and form I could get it. I am now the woman I’ve wanted to become (at least in this area!) since I began my search for her. Thank goodness! So, no more resentment for this lesson, but gratitude for my journey that has brought me to a greater trust and love for myself.

Negativity and Suffering Have Their Roots In Time

I was really struck by this particular passage in a book I'm reading. Please consider these thoughts...

All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time (the focus on past or future, not clock time) and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry–all forms of fear—are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, not enough presence. Most people find it difficult to believe that a state of consciousness totally free of all negativity is possible. And yet this is the liberated state to which all spiritual teachings point. It is the promise of salvation, not an illusory future but right here and now.

You might find it hard to recognize that time is the cause of your suffering or your problems. You believe that they are caused by specific situations in your life, and seen from a conventional viewpoint, this is true. But until you have dealt with the basic problem-making dysfunction of the mind—its attachment to past and future and denial of the Now—problems are actually interchangeable. If all your problems or perceived causes of suffering or unhappiness were miraculously removed from you today, but you had not become more present, more conscious, you would soon find yourself with a similar set of problems or causes of suffering, like a shadow that follows you wherever you go. Ultimately, there is only one problem: the time-bounded mind itself.

~Eckhart Tolle, from The Power of Now~

My Ego and the Horse She Rode in on

I was walking yesterday, contemplating my feelings after a short but wonderful getaway to Utah, then coming home to the resistance I had so easily dropped there. I had this image of my ego riding in on a horse and looking like Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead. I did say it was my ego right? --she can look as fabulous as she wants. Surly, vengeful, vulnerable and hot. I had escape from her for a while, but apparently all my releasing had still left a plate to be washed-and it was stinking up the place. I felt a low grade, suppressed indignation yesterday that came up in the afternoon into feelings of disrespect and injustice. I had been treated in an unacceptable fashion by a group of people I had given my time, energy and effort to. HHMPF! Well! My ego had apparently rode in on a horse that also called itself Pain. So surly Sharon came strolling into town on Pain's body. Have you ever had retroactive assistance in such situations? I came across a great quote my friend Lisa had on a corkboard in her home. A therapist had shown it to her while she was in graduate school.

"How others treat you is their path. How you react is yours." I know logically how I was treated wasn't about me, although I certainly had some vibrational influence on attracting the situation to me. I never really felt valued working with these people, and even months later, such a feeling was reflected back to me. Was I right? Does it matter? Not really. The important thing I will remember of this particular event was that I will make a point to make sure I take care of those around me who offer me their time, energy and effort. I can only do so much to influence how others feel about their experience with me, but I will know that I've come from a place of appreciation when working with others.

As for my persistent cowgirl and her hurting horse, I know that she can only intimidate me with her swagger and six shooter when I give her that power. And every day I stay present and conscious she gets weaker and less bothersome. And maybe, just maybe, she'll realize it's her time to get on that sad nag and ride off into the sunset.

Allowing the Blahs

I experienced a lot of conflict yesterday. My ego popped in, and I witnessed my pain body nagging at me, both producing thoughts of indignation, victim-hood, and fear. The current of trust is still there however, carrying me even though I have chosen at times to ignore it. It’s like I’ve found myself in a swiftly moving river and in panic I’ve exerted this energy to swim to shore, when the river is the safest place to be. It’s hard to grasp at water, but seemingly easier to grasp at branches that will only keep you stuck in the same place.

I just finished listening to a radio recording of Elizabeth Lesser and Oprah Winfrey discussing the last chapter in summary of Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. I realized that in searching for a job and outer purpose—the details of these things—was within my ego. I don’t believe that desiring and being attracted to serving a steward of the environment was part of my ego. I do think that wanting and fearing the actual details of what the job will be has been driven at times by my ego. I feel that when I get quiet, I know the truth of my outer purpose, although I have been unable so far to manifest what I thought was “the perfect outlet” for that. I’ve looked high and low, bringing my mind so far into it, I’m sure I’ve missed the miraculous clues the Universe has provided for me. Too busy looking. The quote that struck me today, was although I knew this logically, I’ve failed to implement it directly, giving over my purpose truly to consciousness: “Ask that what ever you do is in service for something greater than yourself”. I’ve asked that whatever I was pursuing be in service for me and what I’ve wanted, desired and sought for recognition and approval. But I have never fully surrendered to using myself as a conduit for Source? I know what it feels like, being aligned, having things given and arranged easily as if the invisible hand worked through me. Lately while I become more conscious and present, I’ve watched myself in the old pattern of pushing the river. I’ve been trying to make things happen, under the façade of allowing—all the time feeling like I was doing something “wrong” because things haven’t changed externally.
So in my new goal is to not only be present, but ask daily if not more often, that the Universe use me for the greater good. It’ll be interesting to see if this helps me let go of the “hows” and just go with where the river takes me.

Honoring the Experience

As I was biking to work yesterday morning, I saw this beautiful soft sunlight coming through a bush that had newly emerging leaves on it. It was such a fresh, light green that only a Spring birth can bring. I flashed on where I was at this time a year ago. Strangely enough, I really had to think about it, but remembered I was about two weeks away from submitting the final draft of my Thesis. I also remembered all the Northern Cardinals I saw in the New York woods that Spring. They always felt like little messengers to me--bringing me back into the presence of appreciation and gratitude. While I would love to see one floating through the trees here in Colorado, these striking red feathered men will forever be associated with those magical last 4 months I spent in NY.

As I kept riding my bike, I felt a greater emergence of peace about where I am now. I know that the anxiety and stress I experienced during my time in school helped me break free into this present serenity. I have gotten much better at honoring such experiences of late. While I’m still getting swept away occasionally by the old patterns, I know I am getting more efficient at catching myself as it develops. I’m allowing the witness within me to take an increasingly active role, letting her influence my perception more and more.

I recently got a great email from www.tut.com which hosts the Notes from the Universe. If you haven’t subscribed, please consider these short, inspiring notes that never cease to uplift and remind me of the magic of this world. Here’s my most recent favorite quote (it shifts often):

“Humility shows respect, Katy. Respect shows love. And love can only exist when there's a vision for prosperity, a belief in your own worthiness, and a sense that all is exactly as it should be. Cool, huh? Bring on the "butterflies."
~Notes from the Universe~

Spring Renewal

I thought I might add a more relaxed and enlightened entry after my last ferocious chat. The storm has passed and luckily the dust has settled. I repaired any damage done and can appreciate the resiliency of my relationships with others.

I finally feel the sense of renewal and possibility that Spring has brought. I attended a lovely service at Mile High Church on Easter Sunday. I felt as if Roger Teel was talking directly to me as he spoke of letting getting go of the limitations I've placed on myself. I feel fresher and enthusiastic, and a lot more allowing. I don't have a strong need to write more, so I'll just enter a lovely quote and call it good.

"Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything ever witnessed anywhere in the Universe." ~Abraham-Hicks

Godzilla Attacks!

Do you ever feel like you've become the monster in this picture? Unapologetic, unbiddable and ungovernable? Well I have, and the gargantuan green nightmare came out this past weekend. How often is anger condemed for its destruction, and its influence in making others uncomfortable? When is a good thing, or should it be? I've pondered the role of anger in my life, and recently of its potential to assist or deter me during this current growth spurt. Growing up with a parent who functions in pain and anger has had an undeniable influence on me. I have grown to despise how anger came forth from me, the power it wielded, and how I felt like a victim to the raging Godzilla inside of me.

But as I work through some old programming and find my voice (even if it is a roar), I've found with the things I have felt defeated about, moving up into anger from a place of depression has been empowering. Now, granted my approach with those within my path isn't always well received, and I'm certainly not justifying any pain or hurt feelings I may have influenced. I am seeing however, that anger needs to be and is in intergral part of me moving into a new space of understanding. Anger is step two in the grief recovery process (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a genius). Depending on the subject, it's likely that I've skipped over this step, suppressing the demons- fearing they'd run off with me. My understanding is that if we skip steps in the process of grief, it's likely the areas that were not sufficiently expressed will find their ways out, usually in the form of dysfunction. Grief can permeate so much in our life-from the simplest disappointment to the most devasting loss. I think for the first time in my life, I am willing to give Godzilla a little "breathing" room. She needs to clobber and crash into the haunted houses where I've imprisoned myself. That kind of destruction can only be done with the crushing power of my supersized monster legs, fireballs pulled from my belly, and my swiping, slicing claws. I'm done having haunted houses full of ghosts and relics from the past. It's time to clear the path for lovely, new things to grow. And if it takes a 15 story tall , firebreathing lizard to do it, then so be it.

The Power of Another

I'll admit it. I've been in a funk since last week. To say I've been stuck in my head could be an understatement. I might have said before that the process of unpacking my baggage came with an accompanying darkness . I'm starting to come around to the idea that it might just be my own self-indulgence. I really don't believe growth has to be painful, although it's belief I still could use some dissolution on.

I spoke with a good friend yesterday. I bet she and I haven't talked in nearly 2 years. I used to joke on the messages I'd leave on her voicemail that I was dating her inbox. Sexual innuendos aside, for whatever reason (and on my side there were many) we'd eluded actually speaking to one another for a ridiculous amount of time. She and I became friends when I was in AmeriCorps in Berkeley ten years ago. I loved her immediately as I have with all my truly great friends-having an immediate, undeniable connection. We were in some training at the beginning of our service and she sat next to me and made a joke I still remember clearly, "It may take two to tango, but only one to eat a mango". Being the sewer rat I am, it elicited an unforgettable laugh.

One of the take home messages I learned last year was that long term friendships need updating. If we don't download the newer versions of people as they evolve, it's easy to keep who they used to be in our minds, becoming inflexible in our inteactions and understanding of them. I'm certainly guilty of doing this with myself. For whatever reason (mercury retrograde?), I needed to talk to her and the universe finally coordinated in symphony to deliver me this woman's bright light and lovely laugh. We talked for some time, and it came apparent how much she's changed and now shines brighter than ever. Just talking to her in those 80 minutes uplifted me more than I've been in weeks. I realized how much resistance I've been in, pushing against myself in ways I wasn't aware of. I was able to let go and get into a state of allowing again. Needless to say I was energized and felt a lovely buzz of gratitude for my long lost friend. I love having such a powerful bond with someone that you can go ages without contact and when you meet again, the sense of connection is palpable. I'm not letting this friendship drift off into lala land again. My guess is that the timing is perfect, as only the universe could coordinate.

So today, I honor the gift of my friend, her spirit, our friendship and its importance in my life. Thanks Luna.

Dum spiro, spero

While I breathe, I hope.

I don't know where I've been this weekend. I just know I've done some serious deconstructing of beliefs I have held steadfast to. I'm talking about the kind of things I was sure about myself-some of which I've believed were necessary to my safety in this world. Somewhere in the span of navigating our way through the waters we all develop and cling to things we are positive we need to protect ourselves from others. The odd thing is these truths are the same walls that prevent us from being loved-holding us apart from the vulnerability that will bring us to our knees, encompassing a weakness that we fear is untolerable. What I'm realizing bit, by bit, is that this paradigm is just that. Ways of moving through conversations and looks and energy fields that were just illusions of safety that I thought I needed, that were necessary for me to identify with.

I know I'm being vague. I often seek two things, approval and control. It occured to me recently how much I seek to be disapproved of, and how much with certain people, in certain situations I seek to be separate. I want to walk into a room at times and be loved, be admired, be unique and be left alone-all at the same time. How is that possible? What contradictions! I knew the first three, but the fourth shocked me a bit. I've known I have this energy I put out that is meant to protect and separate me, but I've been questioning lately why it's necessary anymore. I wonder why I want it, and the more I think about it, feel it, I would like to let it go. I think it's what holds me apart from love-not just a partner, but from those who could support me on my path. If I could attract two more smiles, a friendly opening in traffic and wave, or maybe helping hands with my career and friendship, why hold onto these walls I've built since whenever I found the first bricks?

It's strange, my intention was to write this blog in a completely different direction. The expectation of what was to come. I loved this Canadian blog I came across while looking for pictures related to that. It's where I found the Latin title and accompanying meaning. But more than just finding a pretty picture, I remembered that writing this blog is about believing in myself and this peculiar journey. I am complicated. But the beautiful thing is that no one I know isn't. We're all celtic knots, intertwined and tangled to form lovely and intriguing combinations that may never be fully unlocked.

I feel like the concept and practice of trusting is a near continuous theme in my blog entries. But trusting is like exercising to stay in shape-you have to keep doing it. If you take a vacation from it, you'll find the weight of your own drama stuck to your ass.

I recently experienced my first true test of resolve regarding my job situation and trust. In my field there are so many amazing organizations doing good work on behalf of the environment. My practice up to this point has been to apply for jobs that sounded interesting, challenging, inspiring and might pay more than annual student loan payments. The challenge here is that many companies do not list what their salary ranges are so I end up applying for cool positions that don't pay squat. Thankfully the energy and momentum surrounding my job search has substantially picked up recently. I got an interview with Carbon Fund, this hip carbon offsetting non-profit in DC. I was thrilled. Thrilled, until I got a call back 5 minutes after setting up the interview asking me how much I wanted to make. So we danced around the number for a bit until I got it-and was crestfallen. It was nearly $20k less than my ideal. The problem with a drought is that the first sign of water makes ones mouth itch with anticipation, no matter what the water looks like. Is it safe, clean, enough to quench your thirst? In this case I knew better. I was so grateful this gentleman was upfront and honest with me about the compensation. I only had the interview for 5 minutes, not having any real time to become attached to it with expectations and thrills of what could be. So I closed the door, with gratitude for his and my own integrity and truthfully, with disappointment and some mild anxiety. The universe continued to test me by sending a rejection letter a few hours later for a job I had already interviewed for. I had detached mostly from that one, but I'll admit I flinched. Now is the time to relax into my understanding of how things work and remain clear and trusting that everything truly is fine and enough right now. I spend so much time trying to change my reality, I know I'm missing the great moments that are presenting themselves in each moment. I got this awesome quote from the Hicks' yesterday. It really encompasses it all.

"Every single person on the planet and every single Consciousness in the Universe has the same experience of being here and having a desire to be there. In other words, it is the promise of this eternal Universe… You’re always, always, always going to be on your way to something more—always. And when you relax and accept that, and stop beating up on yourself for not being someplace that you’re not, and instead, start embracing where you are while you keep your eye on where you’re going—now life becomes really, really, really fun." Abrabram-Hicks