I was just stretching!

My friend Steph and I have been on quite the journey these days. We were talking and processing all the recent changes in our lives, joking about how crazy it all feels when I had this image of a galloping horses scooping us up and riding away. I told her about this and she laughed and said "I was just stretching!". But the truth is, no matter how much we want change and things to go differently in a way that improves our lives for the better- when it does show up, it can be rapid, overwhelming and mind boggling. The funny thing is, she and I have been "preparing and asking for all of this". But my goodness it certainly showed up so quickly that we couldn't and didn't want to get out of the way of the galloping horse. Also, the manifestation of the new steps on our paths appeared so magically and nearly instantaneously that we barely had time to think about them- it was either act now, or say no thanks.
Speaking for myself, I acted on a whim (or intuition some might say) and was given a choice of YES or no to the situation- no maybes, no hemming or hawing, just a HELL YES or HELL NO. And the person that was making the offer was paying very close attention to my decision making process as an indicator of my openness and commitment. My logic/reason had no time to really process the whole scenario. Some may say that was a bad thing- but my opinion is that sometimes mulling things over allows all the fears, doubts and insecurities to invade your clarity. I went with my heart, my inspiration and my gut. So I possibly just said yes to the most important 6 mos of my life. I just jumped on the fast track and my dream life is speeding toward me. It will be a ton of work, but will hopefully be the kind of work that is fun, rewarding, inspiring and will help create my "10" life. I had a major part in creating this opportunity, and it snapped into place like a Lego, another piece that will help me create my dream. I got lined up and then got out of my own way. And we thought we were just stretching! Imagine every choice was like that...

Relax already

I was playing tennis with my sister yesterday, and kept noticing that as soon as I relaxed and had fun my playing vastly improved and I'd be rewarded with a great shot- even if it was slammed back at me. I could just play in this place without thought and let my body and mind work their magic. As soon as I got frustrated by a misplaced shot or serve, I got "bunched up" and my game and attitude immediately deteriorated. I kept saying to Shannon, "I play so much better when I just relax". I must of said it two or three times and her response each time was, "Don't we all". I know this applies to every aspect of my life, and I don't doubt that you know this too. I know that I need the contrast of every frustrating annoyance in our life, and the fortitude and concentration to refocus on allowing, letting go and relaxing. This is a practice and art that I want to refine and keep in mind. Not always easy to remember or live, but the rewards come almost immediately if not in my immediate surroundings, but in how I feel. I feel better, and better and better- even if I'm starting from the worst of places.

I recently graduated from Bard College, and got a Master's Degree in Environmental Policy. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I started, and the experience quickly got away from me as I "bunched up" about grades, my intelligence compared to others, what I'd do with this degree, the expectations of others, and the biggest issue of the expectations I had of myself. Needless to say the first semester was miserable for me and those who tried their best to support me through this process. I found that when I came back from the semester break, that I didn't try to defeat myself by reading every extraneous journal article assigned, freak out by overwhelming myself by the big picture and I did much better grade-wise and my attitude improved. However, the lesson that replaced this one learned was being around the toxic attitudes of my classmates who chose to see the garbage in everything and not involving myself. At first I kept trying to readjust people by reframing the conversation, but found that this didn't work and others resented the interjection, and I felt pulled down in the process. I felt a tremendous relief when I came back to CO for my internship and had 7 months away from the situation. I came back in January to finish up my thesis and the semester went great- few glitches, more time and room to grow personally, and support from my advisor. This wasn't everyone's reality, but I made sure it was mine.

I've come back home and noticed that I have tried to repeat this same forcing of alignment and adjustment to my family. I have a clearer vision of myself and those I love, and I will always have challenges because I want to continue to grow and love. It can be difficult to not want to get others to see my new perspective and use it themselves. But I've watched my words and tone alienate and distance me and my love ones. My new focus is to be more impeccable with my words and as The Beatles so aptly coined the best way to interact with others... "Let it Be". It's truly more important to let people choose their own experience and if they want to know where my inspiration and joy is coming from, I can model it for them as best as I can which help us all. Minding my own business is my new mission for my interaction with others, and if I do offer an opinion to be impeccable with my words AND tone. How I say something is as important as my words.

I thought I'd add some quotes that helped and inspired me in this regard.

"Choose what feels good to you and leave everybody else to choose what they want. Don't spend any time saying, "They should choose differently and they'd feel better." Instead say, "They're choosing whatever they're choosing; I'm choosing what I'm choosing, and I'm feeling good while I'm choosing it." And let that be the end of it. Be certain that you are connected to your Source Energy, and let everybody else figure it out for themselves. Some of them will adore you, some of them will hate you -- and none of it has anything to do with you."- Abraham-Hicks.com

"The secret of the universe is minding your own business. What we mean by that is: Don’t get so involved in the desires or beliefs of others that it causes you confusion or chatter in your own vibration and compromises your alignment. When you let nothing be more significant than your own alignment with your desire, then everything in the universe is working in concert for you. It is anyway, but your not letting it in if you are misaligned." Abraham-Hicks

Relaxing and allowing- whew! What concepts!

Faith visits

I pulled "Faith" as my Angel Card this morning. It's two angels, one hanging from a trapeze swing with her arms outstretched and another angel who's taken the leap from her swing and is reaching for the other angel's hands. I love the card, but I always get a little "fluttery" when I see it. For some reason yesterday, I was thinking of my worst moments away from home in my new jobs/rooms/school/ in CA, MT, GA, NY. I remembered very clearly hysterically calling my mom while sitting in my Saturn when it was raining out-it matched my mood terribly. I think it was my very very bottom here and it was Oct 4th, 2005. I was SO upset, why am I here, I'm not as good as these people, I'm not as smart as these people, I should go back to CO and Norlarco, what am I going to use this degree for, what if I can't get a good paying job? My car was facing this small shallow pond on the farm by the road. As my wipers cleared the window, I saw a heron in the pond. It was one of the most beautiful and painful moments in my life, and to me that bird will always be faith visiting me. I still kept crying and worrying, but that heron was the stillness and assurance in my storm. I knew it, and to a great extent ignored it, but I still felt it. I hope that you see your heron and feel the same small and persistent comfort. If we pay attention, it's strong and undeniable. If we ignore it, it's still there, but a whisper like our mothers soothe us as babies as we cry and scream.

Terrific Power

Have you ever had a glimpse of your true power? Maybe you've been working toward a particular goal or dream, and it's nearly within your grasp, only to touch it for a fraction of a second. This happened to me today, for more than one thing. Today is my day of power. Not that yesterday wasn't, or tomorrow won't be-but today I saw it, I paid attention to it, I acknowledged it.

What was special about today... I allowed the culimination of my work- spiritual and intellectual- manifest into a 4 hour period. I completed the first draft of my Master's Thesis and handed it in, and I developed the presentation for my collegues. Both of these tasks were equally daunting, requiring I overcome and reconcile my fear of my academic intellectuals judging my work, and my fear of public speaking. I also have a secret goal I haven't told anyone about, that I achieved a 50% success with-which, believe me -was an achievement. When I achieve this last goal ,

my life will take a turn for the truly extraoridnary. But it's my secret until I decide otherwise. This evening, I felt a charge of true success and acceptance. I am truly worthy of my dreams and goals, and my achievements only reinforce my own magnificence. This, from a woman who has previously used personal achievements like a drive-thru. Just give me my stuff and I'm on my way onto the next thing-never truly acknowledging herself and the time and worth of what was given and received. I'm not talking about what others gave me, but giving myself the kudos for loving my demons, my fears and holding my own hand while experiencing my weaknesses. I'm finally becoming the kind of best friend to myself as I am to others. I'm on the brink of getting a Master's degree I nearly quit more times than I could count, and a spiritual breakthrough that will allow more love and abundance in my life than I ever thought possible. What do I do?

My toes are poking over the ledge of my own limitations.

I've never been more excited to jump off the cliff...

Following the fruit loops

I was telling my friend early today, that I feel like the universe is leading me on a path lined with fruit loops. Obviously an incentive I need to keep following the way I've choosen for myself and am co-creating with the universe. I had originally referred to the experience as a bread crumb trail, but the power of the Hansel and Gretl story still has a negative sway for the child in me. I liked the image of Boo from Monsters, Inc following the fruit loops trail, and I can even hear her crunch as I write this.

I've discovered one of the great challenges in my life (and many I suppose) is being consistent with faith. Trust is a sticky one in this society. We are taught to fear nearly everything, and being in the professional field I am in (environmental policy), many choose to convey urgency through fear and worst case scenarios. But once I get right with myself, it feels easier to let go of the "we're all screwed" philosophy in favor of the "everything is alright". Notice I didn't say will be or should be or can be, but rather -is. I'm not writing in this blog only to document the times I feel high while trying to implement the spiritual principles highlighted from The Secret and Abraham, but to speak of how I feel after coming through my rough spots.

I felt heavier yesterday and was challenged by negative thoughts all this morning. I was feeling, to a certain degree, dread for a meeting I had with my advisor to go over the first rough draft of my thesis. I had taken a break from working on it since Friday when it was due, and had observed others struggling with the deadline and feeling bad. I worried here and there that I hadn't worked hard enough, felt guilt, and worried she'd tell me that the whole thing sucked and needed some major overhaul. I still made a concerted effort to nip these thoughts, turning away any true focus on them, but they did exist. I met with her this afternoon and she hadn't had a chance to read my paper yet. I almost got irked at this, but chose not to. She actually had read it through once, but hadn't made comments on it. So instead of having a conversation about the details, she let me tell her my concerns and walked me through my feelings about it. It turned out that I got every validation I needed from her. She told me I was the only one to have met her deadlines, that I had obviously done a lot of work, and that we'd get through the sections that I felt needed strengthening. She helped me face another fear I had about sharing my document with my 3rd reader (even though that's what she's there for!). I left her office feeling wonderful-relieved, encouraged and inspired. Granted I still have to go back for the review, but she provided me what I needed THEN. I emailed the pertinent sections to my 3rd reader and will be able to get feedback from her as well. Goodness! It amazed me. I was also encouraged that the little bit of worrying I had done didn't manifest into this monsterous experience that instantaneously bit me on the ass.

There just might be something to this! ;) Onwards and upwards.

Choosing to Float

So one of the things I've been doing to encourage myself is tracking the things I'm manifesting in my day. I think sometimes the little things are the easist to see or acknowledge.

I woke up and the first thing I saw was my computer. I immediately had a feeling of anxiety. If you've been trying to write a thesis like I am, or tie a good deal of your work and creativity into a computer, you may understand. I acknowledged that crappy feeling and tried to put my focus somewhere else. I opened the shade in my room and just let the feeling go so I could muster some excitement for my day. What do you know, that's exactly what happened. I don't know why, but I decided to go to the pool and swim. I've been wanting to do this for nearly a month. I even found a pair of goggles when I first decided to swim, but I didn't go. I did what I think a lot of us do- I let the enthusiasm pitter out, finding excuses and reasons not to do it. I don't like chlorine, I don't want to see myself in a swim suit, I don't want to get cold, I don't.... ya da ya da. But I lit a fire under my ass this fine sunday morning and off I went. I wanted a lane to myself, and I wanted to swim for 20 minutes. I got ready, whipped by the mirrors not caring to look or even think about my swimsuit. As I prepared to get into a lane with another swimmer, a gentleman got out and I was able to have my own lane. Lovely! I got in and the water felt great, it wasn't too strong in chlorine, and the swimming was so much fun. Ok, so I got my ass kicked at first-out pacing my capabality, I spaced I was in the deep end and gulped a bunch a water when I sunk, but I kept at it. I even swam for 10 minutes longer than I had originally planned, and I almost didn't want to get out of the water. The sunlight came in to one section of the pool and when I saw it under water it reminded me of diving. So as an added bonus I was able to be reminded of one of my goals which is to go scuba diving soon. I remembered what Bob Doyle said on The Secret about doing what you can to get into the feeling of having what you want, so incidentally I benefitted from swimming in pool that was no where near the Caribbean. If I pay attention and look for what pleases me, I find them. I'm going to make a concerted effort to look for what I want to see. A positive feedback loop is bound to develop- see sunset feel good- see red cardinal in tree feel good-see sunshine feel good-get positive feedback on my thesis feel good.

Ok so maybe I'm gushing a little, but it's so much better than sitting around worrying about all the crap that could go wrong- as it builds and builds and barrels toward me like a freight train. I may not have a great days all the time, but I'm certainly not going to try and put it out there anymore as a command.

My quote for the day is:

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow" Helen Keller ( Secret Master)

"The Secret" Hype

Ok, so maybe you've heard something about the movie "The Secret". The teachers featured on this movie have been on Oprah, Larry King Live, and others. I even heard Bill Maher crack a joke about the Law of Attraction and the movie last week. So what's the big deal and why buy into the hype? I don't consider myself a sucker, nor am I a some kool-aid drinking zombie ready to follow what others see as the "true awakening". The law of attraction rings a bell for me- and a loud one at that. So consider seeing what the buzz is about, and even experiment with the lessons and see what happens. It may not be instantaneous, but what do you have to lose? A couple of minutes of less of complaints will make any one feel better, and maybe this movie and the teachings are how you can actually get what you want.
Check out my website, http://moreagape.theofficialsecretseminar.com/or go to www.thesecret.tv to order the movie- you can even watch it online.
Let me know what you think.