My Ego and the Horse She Rode in on

I was walking yesterday, contemplating my feelings after a short but wonderful getaway to Utah, then coming home to the resistance I had so easily dropped there. I had this image of my ego riding in on a horse and looking like Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead. I did say it was my ego right? --she can look as fabulous as she wants. Surly, vengeful, vulnerable and hot. I had escape from her for a while, but apparently all my releasing had still left a plate to be washed-and it was stinking up the place. I felt a low grade, suppressed indignation yesterday that came up in the afternoon into feelings of disrespect and injustice. I had been treated in an unacceptable fashion by a group of people I had given my time, energy and effort to. HHMPF! Well! My ego had apparently rode in on a horse that also called itself Pain. So surly Sharon came strolling into town on Pain's body. Have you ever had retroactive assistance in such situations? I came across a great quote my friend Lisa had on a corkboard in her home. A therapist had shown it to her while she was in graduate school.

"How others treat you is their path. How you react is yours." I know logically how I was treated wasn't about me, although I certainly had some vibrational influence on attracting the situation to me. I never really felt valued working with these people, and even months later, such a feeling was reflected back to me. Was I right? Does it matter? Not really. The important thing I will remember of this particular event was that I will make a point to make sure I take care of those around me who offer me their time, energy and effort. I can only do so much to influence how others feel about their experience with me, but I will know that I've come from a place of appreciation when working with others.

As for my persistent cowgirl and her hurting horse, I know that she can only intimidate me with her swagger and six shooter when I give her that power. And every day I stay present and conscious she gets weaker and less bothersome. And maybe, just maybe, she'll realize it's her time to get on that sad nag and ride off into the sunset.

Allowing the Blahs

I experienced a lot of conflict yesterday. My ego popped in, and I witnessed my pain body nagging at me, both producing thoughts of indignation, victim-hood, and fear. The current of trust is still there however, carrying me even though I have chosen at times to ignore it. It’s like I’ve found myself in a swiftly moving river and in panic I’ve exerted this energy to swim to shore, when the river is the safest place to be. It’s hard to grasp at water, but seemingly easier to grasp at branches that will only keep you stuck in the same place.

I just finished listening to a radio recording of Elizabeth Lesser and Oprah Winfrey discussing the last chapter in summary of Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. I realized that in searching for a job and outer purpose—the details of these things—was within my ego. I don’t believe that desiring and being attracted to serving a steward of the environment was part of my ego. I do think that wanting and fearing the actual details of what the job will be has been driven at times by my ego. I feel that when I get quiet, I know the truth of my outer purpose, although I have been unable so far to manifest what I thought was “the perfect outlet” for that. I’ve looked high and low, bringing my mind so far into it, I’m sure I’ve missed the miraculous clues the Universe has provided for me. Too busy looking. The quote that struck me today, was although I knew this logically, I’ve failed to implement it directly, giving over my purpose truly to consciousness: “Ask that what ever you do is in service for something greater than yourself”. I’ve asked that whatever I was pursuing be in service for me and what I’ve wanted, desired and sought for recognition and approval. But I have never fully surrendered to using myself as a conduit for Source? I know what it feels like, being aligned, having things given and arranged easily as if the invisible hand worked through me. Lately while I become more conscious and present, I’ve watched myself in the old pattern of pushing the river. I’ve been trying to make things happen, under the façade of allowing—all the time feeling like I was doing something “wrong” because things haven’t changed externally.
So in my new goal is to not only be present, but ask daily if not more often, that the Universe use me for the greater good. It’ll be interesting to see if this helps me let go of the “hows” and just go with where the river takes me.

Honoring the Experience

As I was biking to work yesterday morning, I saw this beautiful soft sunlight coming through a bush that had newly emerging leaves on it. It was such a fresh, light green that only a Spring birth can bring. I flashed on where I was at this time a year ago. Strangely enough, I really had to think about it, but remembered I was about two weeks away from submitting the final draft of my Thesis. I also remembered all the Northern Cardinals I saw in the New York woods that Spring. They always felt like little messengers to me--bringing me back into the presence of appreciation and gratitude. While I would love to see one floating through the trees here in Colorado, these striking red feathered men will forever be associated with those magical last 4 months I spent in NY.

As I kept riding my bike, I felt a greater emergence of peace about where I am now. I know that the anxiety and stress I experienced during my time in school helped me break free into this present serenity. I have gotten much better at honoring such experiences of late. While I’m still getting swept away occasionally by the old patterns, I know I am getting more efficient at catching myself as it develops. I’m allowing the witness within me to take an increasingly active role, letting her influence my perception more and more.

I recently got a great email from www.tut.com which hosts the Notes from the Universe. If you haven’t subscribed, please consider these short, inspiring notes that never cease to uplift and remind me of the magic of this world. Here’s my most recent favorite quote (it shifts often):

“Humility shows respect, Katy. Respect shows love. And love can only exist when there's a vision for prosperity, a belief in your own worthiness, and a sense that all is exactly as it should be. Cool, huh? Bring on the "butterflies."
~Notes from the Universe~

Spring Renewal

I thought I might add a more relaxed and enlightened entry after my last ferocious chat. The storm has passed and luckily the dust has settled. I repaired any damage done and can appreciate the resiliency of my relationships with others.

I finally feel the sense of renewal and possibility that Spring has brought. I attended a lovely service at Mile High Church on Easter Sunday. I felt as if Roger Teel was talking directly to me as he spoke of letting getting go of the limitations I've placed on myself. I feel fresher and enthusiastic, and a lot more allowing. I don't have a strong need to write more, so I'll just enter a lovely quote and call it good.

"Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything ever witnessed anywhere in the Universe." ~Abraham-Hicks

Godzilla Attacks!

Do you ever feel like you've become the monster in this picture? Unapologetic, unbiddable and ungovernable? Well I have, and the gargantuan green nightmare came out this past weekend. How often is anger condemed for its destruction, and its influence in making others uncomfortable? When is a good thing, or should it be? I've pondered the role of anger in my life, and recently of its potential to assist or deter me during this current growth spurt. Growing up with a parent who functions in pain and anger has had an undeniable influence on me. I have grown to despise how anger came forth from me, the power it wielded, and how I felt like a victim to the raging Godzilla inside of me.

But as I work through some old programming and find my voice (even if it is a roar), I've found with the things I have felt defeated about, moving up into anger from a place of depression has been empowering. Now, granted my approach with those within my path isn't always well received, and I'm certainly not justifying any pain or hurt feelings I may have influenced. I am seeing however, that anger needs to be and is in intergral part of me moving into a new space of understanding. Anger is step two in the grief recovery process (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a genius). Depending on the subject, it's likely that I've skipped over this step, suppressing the demons- fearing they'd run off with me. My understanding is that if we skip steps in the process of grief, it's likely the areas that were not sufficiently expressed will find their ways out, usually in the form of dysfunction. Grief can permeate so much in our life-from the simplest disappointment to the most devasting loss. I think for the first time in my life, I am willing to give Godzilla a little "breathing" room. She needs to clobber and crash into the haunted houses where I've imprisoned myself. That kind of destruction can only be done with the crushing power of my supersized monster legs, fireballs pulled from my belly, and my swiping, slicing claws. I'm done having haunted houses full of ghosts and relics from the past. It's time to clear the path for lovely, new things to grow. And if it takes a 15 story tall , firebreathing lizard to do it, then so be it.

The Power of Another

I'll admit it. I've been in a funk since last week. To say I've been stuck in my head could be an understatement. I might have said before that the process of unpacking my baggage came with an accompanying darkness . I'm starting to come around to the idea that it might just be my own self-indulgence. I really don't believe growth has to be painful, although it's belief I still could use some dissolution on.

I spoke with a good friend yesterday. I bet she and I haven't talked in nearly 2 years. I used to joke on the messages I'd leave on her voicemail that I was dating her inbox. Sexual innuendos aside, for whatever reason (and on my side there were many) we'd eluded actually speaking to one another for a ridiculous amount of time. She and I became friends when I was in AmeriCorps in Berkeley ten years ago. I loved her immediately as I have with all my truly great friends-having an immediate, undeniable connection. We were in some training at the beginning of our service and she sat next to me and made a joke I still remember clearly, "It may take two to tango, but only one to eat a mango". Being the sewer rat I am, it elicited an unforgettable laugh.

One of the take home messages I learned last year was that long term friendships need updating. If we don't download the newer versions of people as they evolve, it's easy to keep who they used to be in our minds, becoming inflexible in our inteactions and understanding of them. I'm certainly guilty of doing this with myself. For whatever reason (mercury retrograde?), I needed to talk to her and the universe finally coordinated in symphony to deliver me this woman's bright light and lovely laugh. We talked for some time, and it came apparent how much she's changed and now shines brighter than ever. Just talking to her in those 80 minutes uplifted me more than I've been in weeks. I realized how much resistance I've been in, pushing against myself in ways I wasn't aware of. I was able to let go and get into a state of allowing again. Needless to say I was energized and felt a lovely buzz of gratitude for my long lost friend. I love having such a powerful bond with someone that you can go ages without contact and when you meet again, the sense of connection is palpable. I'm not letting this friendship drift off into lala land again. My guess is that the timing is perfect, as only the universe could coordinate.

So today, I honor the gift of my friend, her spirit, our friendship and its importance in my life. Thanks Luna.

Dum spiro, spero

While I breathe, I hope.

I don't know where I've been this weekend. I just know I've done some serious deconstructing of beliefs I have held steadfast to. I'm talking about the kind of things I was sure about myself-some of which I've believed were necessary to my safety in this world. Somewhere in the span of navigating our way through the waters we all develop and cling to things we are positive we need to protect ourselves from others. The odd thing is these truths are the same walls that prevent us from being loved-holding us apart from the vulnerability that will bring us to our knees, encompassing a weakness that we fear is untolerable. What I'm realizing bit, by bit, is that this paradigm is just that. Ways of moving through conversations and looks and energy fields that were just illusions of safety that I thought I needed, that were necessary for me to identify with.

I know I'm being vague. I often seek two things, approval and control. It occured to me recently how much I seek to be disapproved of, and how much with certain people, in certain situations I seek to be separate. I want to walk into a room at times and be loved, be admired, be unique and be left alone-all at the same time. How is that possible? What contradictions! I knew the first three, but the fourth shocked me a bit. I've known I have this energy I put out that is meant to protect and separate me, but I've been questioning lately why it's necessary anymore. I wonder why I want it, and the more I think about it, feel it, I would like to let it go. I think it's what holds me apart from love-not just a partner, but from those who could support me on my path. If I could attract two more smiles, a friendly opening in traffic and wave, or maybe helping hands with my career and friendship, why hold onto these walls I've built since whenever I found the first bricks?

It's strange, my intention was to write this blog in a completely different direction. The expectation of what was to come. I loved this Canadian blog I came across while looking for pictures related to that. It's where I found the Latin title and accompanying meaning. But more than just finding a pretty picture, I remembered that writing this blog is about believing in myself and this peculiar journey. I am complicated. But the beautiful thing is that no one I know isn't. We're all celtic knots, intertwined and tangled to form lovely and intriguing combinations that may never be fully unlocked.