Spring Renewal

I thought I might add a more relaxed and enlightened entry after my last ferocious chat. The storm has passed and luckily the dust has settled. I repaired any damage done and can appreciate the resiliency of my relationships with others.

I finally feel the sense of renewal and possibility that Spring has brought. I attended a lovely service at Mile High Church on Easter Sunday. I felt as if Roger Teel was talking directly to me as he spoke of letting getting go of the limitations I've placed on myself. I feel fresher and enthusiastic, and a lot more allowing. I don't have a strong need to write more, so I'll just enter a lovely quote and call it good.

"Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything ever witnessed anywhere in the Universe." ~Abraham-Hicks

Godzilla Attacks!

Do you ever feel like you've become the monster in this picture? Unapologetic, unbiddable and ungovernable? Well I have, and the gargantuan green nightmare came out this past weekend. How often is anger condemed for its destruction, and its influence in making others uncomfortable? When is a good thing, or should it be? I've pondered the role of anger in my life, and recently of its potential to assist or deter me during this current growth spurt. Growing up with a parent who functions in pain and anger has had an undeniable influence on me. I have grown to despise how anger came forth from me, the power it wielded, and how I felt like a victim to the raging Godzilla inside of me.

But as I work through some old programming and find my voice (even if it is a roar), I've found with the things I have felt defeated about, moving up into anger from a place of depression has been empowering. Now, granted my approach with those within my path isn't always well received, and I'm certainly not justifying any pain or hurt feelings I may have influenced. I am seeing however, that anger needs to be and is in intergral part of me moving into a new space of understanding. Anger is step two in the grief recovery process (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a genius). Depending on the subject, it's likely that I've skipped over this step, suppressing the demons- fearing they'd run off with me. My understanding is that if we skip steps in the process of grief, it's likely the areas that were not sufficiently expressed will find their ways out, usually in the form of dysfunction. Grief can permeate so much in our life-from the simplest disappointment to the most devasting loss. I think for the first time in my life, I am willing to give Godzilla a little "breathing" room. She needs to clobber and crash into the haunted houses where I've imprisoned myself. That kind of destruction can only be done with the crushing power of my supersized monster legs, fireballs pulled from my belly, and my swiping, slicing claws. I'm done having haunted houses full of ghosts and relics from the past. It's time to clear the path for lovely, new things to grow. And if it takes a 15 story tall , firebreathing lizard to do it, then so be it.

The Power of Another

I'll admit it. I've been in a funk since last week. To say I've been stuck in my head could be an understatement. I might have said before that the process of unpacking my baggage came with an accompanying darkness . I'm starting to come around to the idea that it might just be my own self-indulgence. I really don't believe growth has to be painful, although it's belief I still could use some dissolution on.

I spoke with a good friend yesterday. I bet she and I haven't talked in nearly 2 years. I used to joke on the messages I'd leave on her voicemail that I was dating her inbox. Sexual innuendos aside, for whatever reason (and on my side there were many) we'd eluded actually speaking to one another for a ridiculous amount of time. She and I became friends when I was in AmeriCorps in Berkeley ten years ago. I loved her immediately as I have with all my truly great friends-having an immediate, undeniable connection. We were in some training at the beginning of our service and she sat next to me and made a joke I still remember clearly, "It may take two to tango, but only one to eat a mango". Being the sewer rat I am, it elicited an unforgettable laugh.

One of the take home messages I learned last year was that long term friendships need updating. If we don't download the newer versions of people as they evolve, it's easy to keep who they used to be in our minds, becoming inflexible in our inteactions and understanding of them. I'm certainly guilty of doing this with myself. For whatever reason (mercury retrograde?), I needed to talk to her and the universe finally coordinated in symphony to deliver me this woman's bright light and lovely laugh. We talked for some time, and it came apparent how much she's changed and now shines brighter than ever. Just talking to her in those 80 minutes uplifted me more than I've been in weeks. I realized how much resistance I've been in, pushing against myself in ways I wasn't aware of. I was able to let go and get into a state of allowing again. Needless to say I was energized and felt a lovely buzz of gratitude for my long lost friend. I love having such a powerful bond with someone that you can go ages without contact and when you meet again, the sense of connection is palpable. I'm not letting this friendship drift off into lala land again. My guess is that the timing is perfect, as only the universe could coordinate.

So today, I honor the gift of my friend, her spirit, our friendship and its importance in my life. Thanks Luna.

Dum spiro, spero

While I breathe, I hope.

I don't know where I've been this weekend. I just know I've done some serious deconstructing of beliefs I have held steadfast to. I'm talking about the kind of things I was sure about myself-some of which I've believed were necessary to my safety in this world. Somewhere in the span of navigating our way through the waters we all develop and cling to things we are positive we need to protect ourselves from others. The odd thing is these truths are the same walls that prevent us from being loved-holding us apart from the vulnerability that will bring us to our knees, encompassing a weakness that we fear is untolerable. What I'm realizing bit, by bit, is that this paradigm is just that. Ways of moving through conversations and looks and energy fields that were just illusions of safety that I thought I needed, that were necessary for me to identify with.

I know I'm being vague. I often seek two things, approval and control. It occured to me recently how much I seek to be disapproved of, and how much with certain people, in certain situations I seek to be separate. I want to walk into a room at times and be loved, be admired, be unique and be left alone-all at the same time. How is that possible? What contradictions! I knew the first three, but the fourth shocked me a bit. I've known I have this energy I put out that is meant to protect and separate me, but I've been questioning lately why it's necessary anymore. I wonder why I want it, and the more I think about it, feel it, I would like to let it go. I think it's what holds me apart from love-not just a partner, but from those who could support me on my path. If I could attract two more smiles, a friendly opening in traffic and wave, or maybe helping hands with my career and friendship, why hold onto these walls I've built since whenever I found the first bricks?

It's strange, my intention was to write this blog in a completely different direction. The expectation of what was to come. I loved this Canadian blog I came across while looking for pictures related to that. It's where I found the Latin title and accompanying meaning. But more than just finding a pretty picture, I remembered that writing this blog is about believing in myself and this peculiar journey. I am complicated. But the beautiful thing is that no one I know isn't. We're all celtic knots, intertwined and tangled to form lovely and intriguing combinations that may never be fully unlocked.

I feel like the concept and practice of trusting is a near continuous theme in my blog entries. But trusting is like exercising to stay in shape-you have to keep doing it. If you take a vacation from it, you'll find the weight of your own drama stuck to your ass.

I recently experienced my first true test of resolve regarding my job situation and trust. In my field there are so many amazing organizations doing good work on behalf of the environment. My practice up to this point has been to apply for jobs that sounded interesting, challenging, inspiring and might pay more than annual student loan payments. The challenge here is that many companies do not list what their salary ranges are so I end up applying for cool positions that don't pay squat. Thankfully the energy and momentum surrounding my job search has substantially picked up recently. I got an interview with Carbon Fund, this hip carbon offsetting non-profit in DC. I was thrilled. Thrilled, until I got a call back 5 minutes after setting up the interview asking me how much I wanted to make. So we danced around the number for a bit until I got it-and was crestfallen. It was nearly $20k less than my ideal. The problem with a drought is that the first sign of water makes ones mouth itch with anticipation, no matter what the water looks like. Is it safe, clean, enough to quench your thirst? In this case I knew better. I was so grateful this gentleman was upfront and honest with me about the compensation. I only had the interview for 5 minutes, not having any real time to become attached to it with expectations and thrills of what could be. So I closed the door, with gratitude for his and my own integrity and truthfully, with disappointment and some mild anxiety. The universe continued to test me by sending a rejection letter a few hours later for a job I had already interviewed for. I had detached mostly from that one, but I'll admit I flinched. Now is the time to relax into my understanding of how things work and remain clear and trusting that everything truly is fine and enough right now. I spend so much time trying to change my reality, I know I'm missing the great moments that are presenting themselves in each moment. I got this awesome quote from the Hicks' yesterday. It really encompasses it all.

"Every single person on the planet and every single Consciousness in the Universe has the same experience of being here and having a desire to be there. In other words, it is the promise of this eternal Universe… You’re always, always, always going to be on your way to something more—always. And when you relax and accept that, and stop beating up on yourself for not being someplace that you’re not, and instead, start embracing where you are while you keep your eye on where you’re going—now life becomes really, really, really fun." Abrabram-Hicks

Reflections and Revelations Version 2.0.0.7.

2007 was not a mellow year for me. I've often heard people refer to growth as painful. But I've begun to question how much of that is inherent or perceived pain. All the teachers I have learned from recently seem to believe that we cannot feel anything but ourselves pushing against outside forces. This can challenging to believe with all the conditioning that other's actions, words, feelings and behaviour "makes" us feel the way we do. Even when I think I have a good grip on this, something will happen that causes me to revert back to the blamer-I can't believe that guy ran the stop sign and then honked at me! How could I have possibly ruined her day? As much as I've learned, I've come to understand that the real victory comes with one release at a time of the negative to the positive and better feeling thought.

One of the most profound sayings I've heard in the last few weeks hit me hard. I'm a goal oriented person-constantly measuring my life, standing, and experience based on where I think I should be by now. A lot of the recent influx of material, teachings and practices have been based on not only my need and desire for my life to improve, but because of this measurement. I've heard this before from other teachers, but for what ever reason I was finally ready to listen. I was listening to a Bill Harris seminar while working on a rather monotonous project. He was talking about the needs of many to rush through personal growth to attain the trophy, and the accompanying disappointment of expectations. He said "measure from where you've come NOT from the ideal." When this finally sunk in, I felt so much better about where I'm standing right now-even if it's not where I imagined, or where I thought I'd be. My outstanding accomplishments of 2007 felt so much more energized than before. If this still doesn't feel good go back 10 years, if that doesn't work, go back farther. Do you remember when you couldn't read or how hard it felt to learn to tie your shoelaces?

My friend Steph said one of her New Year traditions was to write down what she learned in the last year. I can easiliy profess that I learned and appreciated the power of love this year. If you had asked me three months ago, I would've said love cannot conquer all. I used to think this phrase was only referring to the love others have for me-or a love outside of ourselves. While I still believe there are other contributing factors, I have had two significant relationships where the power of love intervened. Love for self filled the holes pain, unworthiness and ego bored into us, and allowed for an overflow of understanding and reconciliation, and two friends I dearly love reentered my life. Love had the strongest arms and tools, and we allowed the vulnerability of our weaknesses to be exposed and tenderly appreciated.

I am a different person than I was a year ago- and without looking forward-can say with gratitude that I am a better person.

The Best Gifts Come When You Least Expect Them

I don't know a single person who doesn't love to be appreciated. Most of us crave it, seek it through our actions-big or small-, and rarely give it to ourselves. How many times do we let all the "thank you's" we receive from others drift past us-barely registering or acknowledging them on our radar. If we do something with the understanding that it's out of our way, with our intentions set on acknowledgement, we certainly notice when we are not thanked. But does that mean that when we don't hear those two words that we haven't been appreciated? I'm beginning to challenge this notion more and more. Reciprocation occurs on many levels, sometimes simply on a energetic one. My guess is if our intentions and good deeds are on a purer level, and we provided a deeper appreciation for ourselves, we wouldn't need the verbal acknowledgement from others. However, the power and impact of a unexpected note of appreciation and acknowledgement cannot be understated. I've taken the effort over the last year to write down every day the things I love about myself and all the appreciation I have for the people, situations and things in my life. I believe the Law of Attraction holds true in this instance. I believe I have attracted more situations and people in my life who hold appreciation for me in return.

I spent nearly a year in Berkeley, California working with inner-city kids (mostly 5th graders) in an after-school program that provided environmental and outdoor education. Those who knew me during that year can attest that the work challenged me beyond my capabilities in many instances, and those kids felt at the time to be ungrateful, unappreciative and bored by the activities we did with them. I have always felt scarred by that time, although now I can appreciate the growth I experienced, and the accompanying strength I acquired. I didn't realize at the time until now what the prepaving of that experience gave me.

At the end of August I was asked if I'd like to do some watershed education with 6th graders up at Pingree Park (up the Poudre Canyon in CO) for their ecoweek. I myself attended ecoweek many years ago, so I remembered the area and some of the experience. I needed the work, so I agreed. I was skeptical and slightly dreaded the first day. It didn't help that my supervisor got violently ill on the drive up and hadn't trained me yet. I tried to get her to let us go back, mostly out of concern for her health, but truthfully I was hoping for a reasonable out. But Marcee's cranium is made of wood and we kept driving. We came over a hill and the view of the Mummy range nearly winded me. I remembered this view from nearly 25 years ago, and felt instantly sentimental. The first class was a little rough, but the kids were so enthusiastic and excited to look at water bugs under a microscope, their drawings so incredible and imaginative, I had instant appreciation for what I was doing. I didn't hurt that I was working in such a spectacular setting either. The fourth time I went up I spent the night, and was even surprised by how quiet the kids were- I think the teachers ran a tight ship. Marcee had gotten sick the drive up the day before so I had to teach the first class that day on my own. We worked with three classes on that trip, all from Tavelli elementary. They were a great bunch of kids overall, taught with caring and an involved group of teachers. Two weeks went by and I came in to do some work with Marcee and she gave me this thank you card. I at first couldn't figure out what the drawing was, thought it was sweet and put it away. But the second time I looked at it, I realized this amazing child had drawn a watershed- a cross section of the mountains, with a stream, a river and a pond-and then with a bluebird perching above it. The combination of the words, the effort, talent, and understanding of what we taught them in those two hours represented in the picture completely bowled me over. Kids are tricky to understand sometimes. You can never be that sure of your impact on them, particularly given such short interactions. But I knew from this one card that I had made an impression-and all that time and effort from the previous years in CA came into sharper focus and understanding. It's a lot to put on Ashley's card, but I finally felt the redemption. That little girl may feel more connected to nature, see a stream and its inhabitants different, and know the importance of protecting all of it now. And this gift to her and to me was unexpected.