The Blessing of New Year

I love a fresh start. There is something so beautiful and promising about the chance to put up a new calendar knowing that nothing in the time frame it represents has occurred. We don’t know what will happen in the course of those new days, and each and every day gives us the choice to make it a good or not-so-good experience. For me, no other time offers this type of keen awareness but the start of a new year. People seem more willing to look for ways to improve themselves; their life and the world around them at the beginning of a year—regardless of the results come spring, summer or fall. Many of us put together resolutions and goals with the hope of doing things different this time around with a positive expectation that the results might be better. Being someone that loves the concept of personal improvement, it’s always an exciting universal offering to observe and appreciate.

I wonder what my new year might hold in store for me. Will I get more of the things I want for myself? What will I observe that makes me want something different in my experience, for others and for this world? What new books, movies and shows will I come across that move me? What new scenes in nature will I see that will invoke a sense of awe and appreciation? What new people will I meet that I feel connected to and offer me new perspectives? What old friends will I see again and share laughter and love with? What new things will I learn and do in my job that will inspire me and assist me in better serving this community, locally and globally? It’s so exciting to think about when I look at it from this perspective. I absolutely love the feeling of promise my New Year holds. Can you feel this same sense of anticipation and excitement? I certainly hope so.

Life is full of cycles— open and closed, tuned in and tuned out, tapped in, tapped out, turned on and turned off. If there’s one resolution and goal I’d like to embody this year it is to be more often open, tuned in, tapped in and turned on (yah baby). Everything else I want will come naturally from those moments, feelings and places. I’m telling you, there’s nothing like the blessing of a new start! Please enjoy and appreciate yours.

That Pesky Cherub

Months before V-day, I’ve recently been inundated with images of that chubby little boy with wings and a bow and arrow. Outside of the obvious association of getting plugged full of arrows when love strikes, I’m expanding my understanding more to the concept of divine timing. I’ve been a particularly impatient person when it comes to the pieces of the puzzle coming together. This Fall, I’ve felt this impending change approaching I’ve not been able to put my finger on. This feeling has intensified in the last week or so. I couldn’t tell you why, but I’ve been overwhelmed with the sense of the tide pulling out before a big wave comes in. What feels better is to focus on the possibilities, but my logical mind continues to throw up the potential obstacles, peppering the pictures with ways I’ve felt burned before. Have you ever wondered what today would feel like if we had no memories were triggered-- the pain, disappointment and fear that previously dominated our experience--when considering a current or future scenario. Wouldn’t we be so much braver and alive if this was the case? I put a connection aside because of the perceived impossibilities and the complexity and mistrust of my past whims. The irony is I just re-looked at the blog I wrote in June. I wrote about the hindsight of the power of trusting the overwhelming urges I had. I wondered at their ability to manifest more than meets the eye. I am so willing to look for as many reasons that my feelings and instincts are valid as I am to believe I’m just creating all this in my head. It’s no wonder I feel so confused. The trick here is that I don’t have an obvious next logical step to take. This situation is about managing my thoughts and energy. I can’t send off an email, make a call, or create an exchange. I simply have to be open and allow the next step appear from this fog I’ve created. The best way to use that time is to appreciate this beautiful spot where I’m standing. I have a clear choice. I can look around and freak out because I’m not sure where this is all heading, what the outcome will be, and fret over how all it will all work out—or I can let go and know that the pieces are falling into place naturally and perfectly. That chubster may very well have taken aim, but nothing says the arrows feel anything but wonderful as they hit their mark.

“Manifestation is an act of trust. It’s the soul pouring itself out into its world, like a fisherman casting its net to gather the fish it seeks; with each cast properly made, we will bring what we need to us, but first we must hurl ourselves into the depths without knowing just lies beneath us.” ~David Spangler~

The Connection Misunderstood

I wonder if I was born without the gene that allows me to feel a sense of accomplishment when it occurs. I just finished 95% of a project that I've spent the last 6+ mos working on and I feel like barely anything has ended. What the hell is that about? Shouldn't I feel some amazing high or at least a sense of relief? Have I become jaded to my own winnings? I think I just know that it's not an end and I have ceased to let myself off the hook. It may be easier to let others celebrate my "success" at this point. I know there's more to be done. I've become addicted to the sense of expansion that comes from wanting more and the experience of catching up to it.

I've gotten up every morning for the last two weeks before 6am so I can read books at my favorite coffee shop that I know are increasing my professional potential. John Kotter may very well be a business/organizational management god. Read Leading Change and tell me otherwise.

Anyway, I'm a bit scattered or maybe delaying the reference to the title of my blog. I have wondered in my search for self-trust why I continue to manifest incidences that test my belief in myself. I question connections and my understanding of them. One specifically, that was evident in my heart from the beginning, and that now my mind can only see the impossibilities of. It is the mind that builds the mistrust, my heart only knows the possibilities--the universe can only confirm the heart's truth. Where should the bets be made? I know what feels better--to trust what lifts my hope up, while letting the rest fall away. It's amazing what the mind can sow without a sense of reciprocation or evidence.

Trust what I feel? Really? Just trust what I feel? Ok then. Trust what I feel.

Remembering Why

I recently was reminded of this dream I had for myself, a goal that would cascade the evolution of creation in my life. It's interesting how when we don't immediately see results of our efforts (those through visualization or action) we get discouraged and let things fall away in our disbelief. I did this with the goal I have. It's really a rather easy goal in the grand scheme of things--it takes little effort, little risk and if it's as easy to create a castle as a button (as Abraham-Hicks say), then it will be mine. Why did I give up on this easy thing? Because when I tried for a couple of months to create it, it didn't manifest. So I'm trying again. And the funny thing is that I keep seeing things that remind me of it--an Oprah episode talked to someone who had achieved this goal, and I just saw something at the supermarket that reminded me of it. It's out there waiting for me to align myself so I can have it. I love that idea.

I heard someone say the other day that they were just ready to hear a piece of advice that had been offered to them countless time and that she had disregarded as many times. One day, she was ready. What's up with that!? I know it's part of the process and journey, but goodness I want to be ready for all those golden nuggets of wisdom that come my way. I have countless books and articles on how to make my life better every second of every day. This student is ready to practice practice practice. I heard an Abe Cd on my drive to the mountains last week that said "Masters want something and believe they can do it." Is it more about beliefs than practice? If that's true, I'm going to live more intentionally and hopefully keep rolling with the breath of inspiration, lighten up when others around me are heavy and keep manifesting what I want rather than the other.

My friend Diane has had a rough couple of years and she told me that she was surprised her friends hadn't abandoned her because of the roller coaster ride. I'm not sure where it came from, but I told her that she had just been busy rearranging her life to position herself for greater happiness. What may seem like poor choices to one person is a move on the chessboard toward happiness for another.

With all that's going on with people, how can we ever assume that we know the outcome of our decisions, particularly the radical ones? Everything is unfolding perfectly, even in the midst of the chaos we cannot see the forest for the trees. The trees still know we are safe, we are well and we are blessed. Remember what ever it is you loved the idea of and set down out of discouragement and disbelief. Maybe this your next step in the evolution of your creation.

The 7 Week Itch

This was an interesting week for the dominance of emotions over logic. I wonder a bit at the timing and power of such overwhelming urges and their role in manifesting more than meets the eye. I spoke with my friends of this specific incident when I felt possessed to get a confirmation or closure related to a matter that was close to my heart. I literally felt pushed over the edge of logic and was ruled in the moment my fingers hit the keyboard to type up an email. I even watched in awe as I sent this email, nearly fully knowing that I might regret the action, it was highly likely to make no change in the situation, and could end up causing me more pain. I had this image later of angelic peer pressure causing me to act beyond my pride and self righteous indignation. I see now, knowing the result of this action that this truly ended up working to my advantage: closure, a better state of mind and the ability to move forward in a way that might’ve been more challenging if I had not been able to meet with this person one last time for this ‘confirmation’. I wonder even if my desire for this resolution trumped all the reasons for not making contact in the past 7 weeks. Who knows? All I know is that taking what could be perceived as a crazy, potentially humiliating action can often be the exact thing we needed to help ourselves move beyond a lingering, painful and confusing emotional situation. I hope knowing this might bring me or anyone else who reads this the courage to move past their pride, logic, judgment and self-protection with a situation that needs resolution. That scary and intense action might provide you with the relief and release you are seeking.

Climbing While Still Holding On

I was thinking that the title of this blog could be seen as obvious or veiled. Can we really still move upwards in growth if we’re still holding on? I think in view of the need to maintain our balance in this world of emotions and thoughts, part of us will always still be touching an experience that happened to us, good or bad. The problem might that the memory of the experience is still attached to negative emotions. Is that why we continue to manifest the same situations and interactions in our life?

Over the last couple of years I’ve been using the Sedona Method (a technique for emotional releasing) with varying frequency and the premise is that we can free ourselves from wanting into having if we just let go of the resistance that surrounds desires. I can honestly say that the method helps tremendously with moving into a state of acceptance and is accompanied by a feeling of freedom. I admit with my current situation, sometimes I resist wanting to give up my feelings and some attachment exists to them that I haven’t been able to address. Why do we not do the things we know can make us feel better? Is it really more work to change or improve or is it actually harder and takes more effort to hold on to our perceptions, images and behaviors and avoid self-examination like the plague?

I know that I don’t want to spend all weekend or my free time contemplating my life and relationships. That is exhausting. But I do know that at some point in my younger years I decided that I really wanted to be the best me I could be. I found out quickly that this meant soliciting and listening to feedback I got from those around me- negative and positive and trying not to personalize what the messages were. What a challenge that is! I knew that reading, improving the avenues of information (media, TV, movies) I gave my attention to and finding more meaningful friendships or improving the ones I had were necessary venues for learning. I knew that finding love and using the experience with the other person would be a great way to learn more about myself and how to open more. My friend pointed out to me that most people don’t approach relationships this way. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I certainly know it’s what I wanted. I finally got that loving relationship and for that I am so grateful. For the most part, I let go of my ideas of what it should be and just let it be. The romantic relationship didn’t last, but I also learned with greater understanding that if you do truly love someone, the love does. And the lesson that really got sent home to my heart, mind and every cell vibrating within me is that what I really would rather feel better than be right. I have chosen any suffering I’ve experienced in the past few weeks, even if at the time I didn’t feel any freedom in the choice. I chose to cry or not, chose to feel lonely or not, chose to feel love or be closed off. I wouldn’t take back a second worth of the pain I experience now for any of the time I had with him. Experiencing the love was worth it, loving him was worth it, he was worth it.

If you’re going to be in control of your thoughts you really have to be on it! Is it a half second or a milli before you head into a death spiral of negative, poverty thinking? It could very well be. But there’s always an opportunity to pull up through a smiling baby or friendly colleague, a vibrant red tulip, 9 out of 10 green lights on the way home, or a delicious meal. It may not always open the space needed to feel much better, but any half step out of a personal hell is a progress and a good direction to follow.

It's Right Where I Left It

I realized in the last week or so the source of my heavy, down mood and feelings. What I realized was that quite simply I had disconnected from my self, my power and my love. I had been feeling angry, indignation, resentment and lack, for weeks at differing degrees. While I had been going through the motions with meditation, I had been letting my mind do whatever it wanted in my sessions and in between. Thought control was negligible. It's still amazing to me that if you don't bring some type of awareness into your daily life how the mind will absorb the negative in the world around you and all that to penetrate through your entire experience. And many of us could agree there's a huge focus on the negative right now, plenty for the mind to grab hold of and keep running with.
I also realized with a fleeting horror as I pulled up my blog that I hadn't made an entry in almost three months. How did that happen? Well Kate, you were disconnected. The startling thing was I hadn't even thought about my blog in that period. My blog has come to mean an outlet of creativity, a sense of urgency to express my connection with the world. Hmm. I can see the imbalance now so clearly.
So when I cleaned up the connection that will always be there, polished and wiped away the gunk I'd put on it, I felt better and better and better. And suddenly while washing my hair in the shower I remembered my desire to express this amazing connection through the beautiful picture I find to accompany my words, and found the words waiting as well. I also have found that the connection and peace is right where I left it.