The 7 Week Itch

This was an interesting week for the dominance of emotions over logic. I wonder a bit at the timing and power of such overwhelming urges and their role in manifesting more than meets the eye. I spoke with my friends of this specific incident when I felt possessed to get a confirmation or closure related to a matter that was close to my heart. I literally felt pushed over the edge of logic and was ruled in the moment my fingers hit the keyboard to type up an email. I even watched in awe as I sent this email, nearly fully knowing that I might regret the action, it was highly likely to make no change in the situation, and could end up causing me more pain. I had this image later of angelic peer pressure causing me to act beyond my pride and self righteous indignation. I see now, knowing the result of this action that this truly ended up working to my advantage: closure, a better state of mind and the ability to move forward in a way that might’ve been more challenging if I had not been able to meet with this person one last time for this ‘confirmation’. I wonder even if my desire for this resolution trumped all the reasons for not making contact in the past 7 weeks. Who knows? All I know is that taking what could be perceived as a crazy, potentially humiliating action can often be the exact thing we needed to help ourselves move beyond a lingering, painful and confusing emotional situation. I hope knowing this might bring me or anyone else who reads this the courage to move past their pride, logic, judgment and self-protection with a situation that needs resolution. That scary and intense action might provide you with the relief and release you are seeking.

Climbing While Still Holding On

I was thinking that the title of this blog could be seen as obvious or veiled. Can we really still move upwards in growth if we’re still holding on? I think in view of the need to maintain our balance in this world of emotions and thoughts, part of us will always still be touching an experience that happened to us, good or bad. The problem might that the memory of the experience is still attached to negative emotions. Is that why we continue to manifest the same situations and interactions in our life?

Over the last couple of years I’ve been using the Sedona Method (a technique for emotional releasing) with varying frequency and the premise is that we can free ourselves from wanting into having if we just let go of the resistance that surrounds desires. I can honestly say that the method helps tremendously with moving into a state of acceptance and is accompanied by a feeling of freedom. I admit with my current situation, sometimes I resist wanting to give up my feelings and some attachment exists to them that I haven’t been able to address. Why do we not do the things we know can make us feel better? Is it really more work to change or improve or is it actually harder and takes more effort to hold on to our perceptions, images and behaviors and avoid self-examination like the plague?

I know that I don’t want to spend all weekend or my free time contemplating my life and relationships. That is exhausting. But I do know that at some point in my younger years I decided that I really wanted to be the best me I could be. I found out quickly that this meant soliciting and listening to feedback I got from those around me- negative and positive and trying not to personalize what the messages were. What a challenge that is! I knew that reading, improving the avenues of information (media, TV, movies) I gave my attention to and finding more meaningful friendships or improving the ones I had were necessary venues for learning. I knew that finding love and using the experience with the other person would be a great way to learn more about myself and how to open more. My friend pointed out to me that most people don’t approach relationships this way. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I certainly know it’s what I wanted. I finally got that loving relationship and for that I am so grateful. For the most part, I let go of my ideas of what it should be and just let it be. The romantic relationship didn’t last, but I also learned with greater understanding that if you do truly love someone, the love does. And the lesson that really got sent home to my heart, mind and every cell vibrating within me is that what I really would rather feel better than be right. I have chosen any suffering I’ve experienced in the past few weeks, even if at the time I didn’t feel any freedom in the choice. I chose to cry or not, chose to feel lonely or not, chose to feel love or be closed off. I wouldn’t take back a second worth of the pain I experience now for any of the time I had with him. Experiencing the love was worth it, loving him was worth it, he was worth it.

If you’re going to be in control of your thoughts you really have to be on it! Is it a half second or a milli before you head into a death spiral of negative, poverty thinking? It could very well be. But there’s always an opportunity to pull up through a smiling baby or friendly colleague, a vibrant red tulip, 9 out of 10 green lights on the way home, or a delicious meal. It may not always open the space needed to feel much better, but any half step out of a personal hell is a progress and a good direction to follow.

It's Right Where I Left It

I realized in the last week or so the source of my heavy, down mood and feelings. What I realized was that quite simply I had disconnected from my self, my power and my love. I had been feeling angry, indignation, resentment and lack, for weeks at differing degrees. While I had been going through the motions with meditation, I had been letting my mind do whatever it wanted in my sessions and in between. Thought control was negligible. It's still amazing to me that if you don't bring some type of awareness into your daily life how the mind will absorb the negative in the world around you and all that to penetrate through your entire experience. And many of us could agree there's a huge focus on the negative right now, plenty for the mind to grab hold of and keep running with.
I also realized with a fleeting horror as I pulled up my blog that I hadn't made an entry in almost three months. How did that happen? Well Kate, you were disconnected. The startling thing was I hadn't even thought about my blog in that period. My blog has come to mean an outlet of creativity, a sense of urgency to express my connection with the world. Hmm. I can see the imbalance now so clearly.
So when I cleaned up the connection that will always be there, polished and wiped away the gunk I'd put on it, I felt better and better and better. And suddenly while washing my hair in the shower I remembered my desire to express this amazing connection through the beautiful picture I find to accompany my words, and found the words waiting as well. I also have found that the connection and peace is right where I left it.

The Gifts of the Year

The general insanity of this time of year lends itself to the occasional parting of the chaos to view what we truly have to be grateful for. With all the media focus on the gloom of circumstances of our outside world (inside as well for too many of us), I thought I’d write an entry that aimed to refocus anyone who chooses to read this. While I didn’t meet my 2008 goal to write a daily gratitude list, I believe I’ve served myself by keeping a mental tally whenever possible in my head. I’ve also gotten better at helping others do the same. I think what I’ve excelled at is drilling down to levels others may not access.
Example: Today and for the last days, weeks, months, years, etc you hate your job. It offers no redeemable fulfillment to your passion, satisfaction, etc. You feel no acknowledgment, no added worth, no appreciation for the work you do. In this harsh light, no wonder its hard to get out of work in the morning, Sunday nights are hell and Mondays and Tuesdays feel like extended torture sessions. Time for a reframe, and try not to argue with me to twist your thoughts back into your place of misery.
Your job and income may not offer you satisfaction, but it does place food on your table, pay for clean water from your tap, take waste away from your house (toilet, sink, curbside pickup, dumpsters), heats your home, lights your way so you don’t trip, can read and see to cook, provides a comfortable and warm bed to sleep in, pays for transportation in whatever form you choose, provides a space for refuge and entertainment, it allows you to go places so you can get perspective and peace, it may allow you to feed your children, pay for public education, parks, good roads, order and protection, artwork in public places, sidewalks, bike lanes, access to some of the best medical professionals in the world if you god forbid you become ill or injured, cleaner air, cleaner water, cleaner roads, beautiful and comfortable clothes, shoes for your feet, hot water to clean your dishes, soak and clean your body, and a toothbrush and paste so people will talk to you. Maybe this terrible job allows you to find your way to some other profession because now you know what you DON’T want to do. Please be careful not to devalue this particular characteristic. Many of us have spent precious time and resources doing things we thought we wanted to do only to realize differently—this was not a mistake or a waste of energy, this was part of the beautiful process of elimination.
There are always more chances and choices to have and be made.
You will always miss 100% of the shots you do not take.

I know and am maybe more cognizant at this time of what a great year it’s been for me. But I know what it took for me to get here—sacrifices, compromises, moments of panic and doubt and downright sheer terror. I know that this too shall pass. But I truly believe that most of it was possible for the simple reason that I believed it could be, for me and for you. With so much focus this year on lack, I wanted to show who ever took the time to read this (thank goodness for that great skill!) that I don’t take any of this new found abundance for granted. And the truth is that I am not any more worthy than you or anyone else. We all are worthy of the goodness this experience has to offer.
I wish for you all the abundance you deserve and are so worthy of: more laughter, joy, love, prosperity, hugs, kisses, smiles, and peace. Blessed be.

Applied Hope

I haven't written in awhile, but I came upon this quote that I loved about hope--the need for the application of it rather than just the belief. I felt grateful for it, as I have struggled with trying to find a way to infuse my beliefs into my work. I know that I have at times a wonderful ability to inspire and I need this skill and gift now more than ever. As my flashlight dims in the tunnel, panic rises in my throat, I remember that I am my own light. I needn't seek others out for batteries or another form of energy to fuel mine--the well is always there, I just forget that it is in a constant state of renewal. Only I am responsible for pinching off the flow with stress, worry and doubt. I brought in all the goodness into my life, allowed it to come and was aware enough to see it before me. I wish you moments of peace, love and joy and ask that you to calm down enough to see all your abundance in the forms of smiling faces, food on your table, clothes on your back and shelter that keeps you safe. Blessed be.

“We work hard to make the world better, not from some airy theoretical hope, but in the practical and grounded conviction that starting with hope and acting out of hope can cultivate a different kind of world worth being hopeful about, reinforcing itself into a virtuous spiral. Applied hope is not about some vague, far-off future but is expressed and created moment by moment through our choices.

Applied hope is not mere optimism. The optimist treats the future as fate, not choice, and thus fails to take responsibility for making the world we want. Applied hope is a deliberate choice of heart and head. The optimist has his feet up on the desk and a satisfied smirk knowing the deck is stacked. The person living in hope has her sleeves rolled up and is fighting hard to change or beat the odds. Optimism can mask cowardice. Hope requires fearlessness.

In a world short of both hope and time, we seek to practice Raymond Williams’s truth that “To be truly radical is make hope possible, not despair convincing.” Hope becomes possible, practical-even profitable-when advanced resource efficiency turns scarcity into abundance. The glass, then is neither half empty nor half full; rather, it has a 100 percent design margin, expandable by efficiency.”
~Amory Lovins~

Lessons from the Needy and Weak Moments

I’ve experienced a good deal of stress lately. My recently attained position is a wonderful thing. But as most people know, even good change can cause disruption, upheaval and stress. I ran into many old patterns, feelings and reactions last week. Performance anxiety has been a big one lately, and the fear of disappointing others through a lack of delivery and service is taking too much room on my plate. Goodness! I can be hard on myself. I’ve never had a job that was created and new. I have such a tremendous opportunity to learn, experiment and grow. What do I do with my energy instead? I use up my creative energy and power worrying about how I’m going to do it all. I can’t think of a worse way to approach this. Granted it’s understandable, but it certainly isn’t helpful.

I was thinking about how I can manage my stress better and it really comes down to remembering the basics: exercise, eating better, meditating, do things that are fun and make me laugh and breathing deep. Ok, every one knows this stuff is good to do, but when push comes to shove most of us would rather dig into the Halloween candy, or open another bottle of beer, smoke, and then take Tylenol pm –whatever people do to tune out and turn off. I may be externalizing as this sounds like my last 10 days… Boy have I been guilty of these things lately. But I realized that as I go through this period that if I can just add one more thing to appreciate in this time, I am better off than I was when I looked for all the things that could go wrong. I am more aware now of this, and can hopefully watch out for myself slipping again. I want to be easier on myself if I melt down occasionally, because the truth is I’ve come a long way in how I react and handle myself. I have more perspective and have a great opportunity to learn about what works and what doesn’t. And nothing is wrong with finding out what doesn’t work. Just move on and try something different.

I read this quote out of a Bill Harris letter and it helped me appreciate from a higher elevation how I’ve grown and continue to do so. It’s simply a good reminder.
“The great modern philosopher and developmental psychologist Ken Wilber is fond of saying that spiritual development (in fact, all development) is a matter of adopting additional perspectives. We begin life with a very limited perspective. As we develop — as we evolve spiritually — we add additional perspectives. As we add perspectives, our awareness expands. In fact, these are just two different ways of describing the same phenomenon. You might say that as we develop we increasingly perceive and experience how everything is connected and goes together — we focus more on the relationships between people, things, and events — rather than seeing and experiencing people, things, and events as separate from each other. In other words, our perspective becomes more holistic. The more we see things in terms of how they are separate, the more likely we are to be unhappy, fearful, anxious, unsuccessful, and isolated. The more we see how everything goes together and depend on everything else, the more likely we are to feel good, to feel connected to the world and other people, and to be successful. In other words, the more perspectives we are able to take... ...the better life works.”

The Good, The Bad, and the Grateful

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the strange combination of good and bad. It seems that with all the changes in my life over the past years (yes I have had chill years, although I can’t remember what that’s like), there seems to be a distinct balance to the experience. And dammit it seems to be grounded in some universal truth. With the good comes the bad. Now, I know there is also a choice in perspective in this statement. I pick what’s good and I pick what I think is bad. But if there’s one true thing about such a statement, it is that time can give you the space place to view the emergence of events.

For example: I remember complaining about having to take meeting notes for three separate groups this winter during my internship. I tried at the beginning to feel grateful for the opportunity to learn more about these topics. But I hated having to take notes, not being able to participate, and sit there basically focusing on what was being said. I was fairly new to the dynamics of the City’s Utilities and I was sitting in groups with upper management. I didn’t know much about what was being discussed, I slowly learned, and through my diligence and attention to detail, somehow I established credibility with the members in each of these meetings. I gained an important professional ally who saw potential in me--some of his understanding of me is still a mystery. But slowly I watched in amazement as I gained respect, accolades and more responsibility. I earned a fat raise, and a month ago was given the opportunity to facilitate and coordinate the activities of two of these groups, while still participating with the other. I was offered a contract position, which allows me to continue to develop with these two projects. I was nervous at first of the idea of only have a year’s worth of security (the bad), but I realized that a year is a long time to develop and move forward. I could never have predicted when I sat in those first meetings, grumbling and feeling devalued as a simple “note-taker” that things would end up in this spot. Seeing this happen in my own life instills a greater sense of trust in how things evolve. Reserving judgment might be a good practice in those first blush moments. I also feel a little more understanding that I could be better off not knowing how the story of each novella in my life ends. I hope that next time I feel panicked about a situation and how bad it seems at the time that I can remember to stop, drop the thoughts and trust. I needn’t create additional suffering in my life by focusing on how bad it is, how bad it can get and how it will stay like that forever. If I pay attention, look and then focus on it—I can see the abundance and miracles I doubted and never thought were possible surrounding me.


Thanks T—you helped me remember why I write these…