Lessons from the Needy and Weak Moments

I’ve experienced a good deal of stress lately. My recently attained position is a wonderful thing. But as most people know, even good change can cause disruption, upheaval and stress. I ran into many old patterns, feelings and reactions last week. Performance anxiety has been a big one lately, and the fear of disappointing others through a lack of delivery and service is taking too much room on my plate. Goodness! I can be hard on myself. I’ve never had a job that was created and new. I have such a tremendous opportunity to learn, experiment and grow. What do I do with my energy instead? I use up my creative energy and power worrying about how I’m going to do it all. I can’t think of a worse way to approach this. Granted it’s understandable, but it certainly isn’t helpful.

I was thinking about how I can manage my stress better and it really comes down to remembering the basics: exercise, eating better, meditating, do things that are fun and make me laugh and breathing deep. Ok, every one knows this stuff is good to do, but when push comes to shove most of us would rather dig into the Halloween candy, or open another bottle of beer, smoke, and then take Tylenol pm –whatever people do to tune out and turn off. I may be externalizing as this sounds like my last 10 days… Boy have I been guilty of these things lately. But I realized that as I go through this period that if I can just add one more thing to appreciate in this time, I am better off than I was when I looked for all the things that could go wrong. I am more aware now of this, and can hopefully watch out for myself slipping again. I want to be easier on myself if I melt down occasionally, because the truth is I’ve come a long way in how I react and handle myself. I have more perspective and have a great opportunity to learn about what works and what doesn’t. And nothing is wrong with finding out what doesn’t work. Just move on and try something different.

I read this quote out of a Bill Harris letter and it helped me appreciate from a higher elevation how I’ve grown and continue to do so. It’s simply a good reminder.
“The great modern philosopher and developmental psychologist Ken Wilber is fond of saying that spiritual development (in fact, all development) is a matter of adopting additional perspectives. We begin life with a very limited perspective. As we develop — as we evolve spiritually — we add additional perspectives. As we add perspectives, our awareness expands. In fact, these are just two different ways of describing the same phenomenon. You might say that as we develop we increasingly perceive and experience how everything is connected and goes together — we focus more on the relationships between people, things, and events — rather than seeing and experiencing people, things, and events as separate from each other. In other words, our perspective becomes more holistic. The more we see things in terms of how they are separate, the more likely we are to be unhappy, fearful, anxious, unsuccessful, and isolated. The more we see how everything goes together and depend on everything else, the more likely we are to feel good, to feel connected to the world and other people, and to be successful. In other words, the more perspectives we are able to take... ...the better life works.”

The Good, The Bad, and the Grateful

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the strange combination of good and bad. It seems that with all the changes in my life over the past years (yes I have had chill years, although I can’t remember what that’s like), there seems to be a distinct balance to the experience. And dammit it seems to be grounded in some universal truth. With the good comes the bad. Now, I know there is also a choice in perspective in this statement. I pick what’s good and I pick what I think is bad. But if there’s one true thing about such a statement, it is that time can give you the space place to view the emergence of events.

For example: I remember complaining about having to take meeting notes for three separate groups this winter during my internship. I tried at the beginning to feel grateful for the opportunity to learn more about these topics. But I hated having to take notes, not being able to participate, and sit there basically focusing on what was being said. I was fairly new to the dynamics of the City’s Utilities and I was sitting in groups with upper management. I didn’t know much about what was being discussed, I slowly learned, and through my diligence and attention to detail, somehow I established credibility with the members in each of these meetings. I gained an important professional ally who saw potential in me--some of his understanding of me is still a mystery. But slowly I watched in amazement as I gained respect, accolades and more responsibility. I earned a fat raise, and a month ago was given the opportunity to facilitate and coordinate the activities of two of these groups, while still participating with the other. I was offered a contract position, which allows me to continue to develop with these two projects. I was nervous at first of the idea of only have a year’s worth of security (the bad), but I realized that a year is a long time to develop and move forward. I could never have predicted when I sat in those first meetings, grumbling and feeling devalued as a simple “note-taker” that things would end up in this spot. Seeing this happen in my own life instills a greater sense of trust in how things evolve. Reserving judgment might be a good practice in those first blush moments. I also feel a little more understanding that I could be better off not knowing how the story of each novella in my life ends. I hope that next time I feel panicked about a situation and how bad it seems at the time that I can remember to stop, drop the thoughts and trust. I needn’t create additional suffering in my life by focusing on how bad it is, how bad it can get and how it will stay like that forever. If I pay attention, look and then focus on it—I can see the abundance and miracles I doubted and never thought were possible surrounding me.


Thanks T—you helped me remember why I write these…

It's Not All Hunky Dory...

Ok, as most who know me can attest, I’ve been alone a lot and been searching a long time. Now that I stumbled across a fine man who matches me, things should be set for me right? Well, for those who have forgotten or are under the misguided assumption (definitely include me in this group) that a mate will make things perfect, we are sorely mistaken. Geez, now the work begins: Battling demons to be your friend and ally instead of an enemy, shining the light on your insecurities so they dissipate, staying open, letting go of the gripping fear that can accompany being open, staying balanced and caring to yourself, being honest no matter how the other person reacts, doing best to keep your hands off the window you used to throw yourself out of…It’s exhausting. I’ve even had the strangest manifestations lately. While laughing and having a good ol’ time, a wasp flew into the car I was in to sting me on my lower inner thigh! Zowie-- that was a damper to the fun! Not to mention when I looked up the symbolism of a wasp, it was to maintain direct communication with honesty and clarity. Have I not been doing that? I certainly don’t think I needed an itchy, red and angry sting to pull me into that realization.
It really is amazing how the body reacts to change and stress. Systems go haywire so that you have to address the obvious imbalance—incessant fantasies, curiosity and an overall lack of presence, too much food, booze, lack of personal time, combined with the killer combo of lack of sleep and too much romping. Few people would not have to put the vessel in dry dock for repair. It is a great reminder to take care of the one person that should matter the most to us, ourselves. If we don’t tend to our own feelings, get out of balance and spin into dysfunction, we have nothing left to give others. Maintaining our drive for our own satisfaction in life is so important. Projects and passions that once inspired us should not be set aside for anything-- for these are where we are reminded of our true selves, our creativity is set free, and we offer more to the world than just a partnership with another (no matter how powerful that may be).

The Dragon and the Princess

I came upon this story while reading After the Ecstacy, the Laundry by Jack Kornfield. It was a beautiful metaphor for the as Jack calls it, "entering the silence of the forest"...as we enter the beginning steps in our chosen spiritual practice.

"A traditional Swedish story gives a sense of the next phase of the journey. Because of the mishaps of her parents, a young princess named Aris must be betrothed to a fearful dragon. When the king and queen tell her, she becomes frightened for her life. But recovering her wits, she goes out beyond the market to seek a wise woman, who has raised twelve children and twenty-nine grandchildren, and knows the ways of dragons and men.

The wise woman tells Aris that she indeed must marry the dragon, but there are proper ways to approach him. She then gives instructions for the wedding night. In particular, the princess is bidden to wear ten beautiful gowns, one on top of another.

The wedding takes place. A feast is held in the palace, after which the dragon carries the princess off to his bedchamber. When the dragon advances toward his bride, she stops him, saying that she must carefully remove her wedding attire before offering her heart to him. And he too, she adds (instructed by the wise woman), must properly remove his attire. To this he willingly agrees.

"As I take off each layer of my gown, you must also remove a layer." Then, taking off the first gown, the princess watches as the dragon sheds his outer layer of scaly armor. Though it is painful, the dragon has done this periodically before. But then the princess removes another gown, and then another. Each time the dragon finds he too must claw off a deeper layer of scales. By the fifth gown the dragon begins to weep copious tears at the pain. Yet the princess continues.

With each successive layer the dragon's skin becomes more tender and his form softens. He becomes lighter and lighter. When the princess removes her tenth gown, the dragon releases the last vestige of dragon form and emerges as a man, a fine prince whose eyes sparkle like a child's, released at last from the ancient spell of his dragon form. Princess Aris and her new husband are then left to the pleasures of their bridal chamber, to fulfill the last advice of the wise woman with twelve children and twenty-nine grandchildren.

As in a dream, all the figures in such a story can be found within us. ...What this story reveals from the start is that the journey is not about going into the light. The forces of our human history and entanglement are tenacious and powerful. The path to inner freedom requires passing through them. Receiving grace, opening to illumination, becoming wise has not been easy even for the masters...

The first beauty is important to remember. But we must also remember the weeks of pain and considerable struggle that went before, and the years of practice that must follow. When we seek to open to the illumination of the divine, even if we know that the prince and princess will succeed in awakening, even if we can actually glimpse the sacred wedding, we cannot just go to the last page of the story and live happily ever after. We have to go through the great fear of marrying the dragon, the seeking of wise counsel, and the long process of releasing the painful habits we have clung to. It is the difficult, slow letting go that allows us to awaken from our enchancement."

I have been clawing off my scales, crying my own tears of pain along with the beauty of release. I wish you much love and strength as you release yours.

The False Peak

When I was nineteen, I climbed La Plata Peak with my boyfriend Alan and his mountain goat parents Bill and Gentry. La Plata is one of Colorado’s famous fourteen thousand foot elevation mountains, the 5th highest to be exact. For me, it was supposed to be a beautiful hike, for my compadres it was part of a goal, a mission, and a thing to be “bagged”. Looking back now, it was a fundamental difference in philosophy and experience that resulted in the diminishment of my good time.

I recently had an experience that reminded me of this hike. I have made a concerted effort of late to open my heart. I heard a lecture from Mile High church in the Denver area that inspired me to develop a new intention for this chapter in my life. It was to live with an undefended heart. I created some space by releasing with the Sedona Method and started to feel better and better. It’s amazing how creating such space and openness brings up a natural sense of courage. It wasn’t like one day I said –Hey! I feel like I can seize the day! It was just available to me, unblocked at the surface waiting for me to use it.
So one day recently I did just that. I had the emotional courage to put myself out there and someone picked up on it and I got a couple of dates. While I initially got swept away a bit in the enthusiasm and excitement of someone new, I realized fairly quickly that what I came upon was not what it appeared. When all those years ago I struggled up that wicked trail to La Plata, I came upon the summit. I remember feeling such overwhelming sense of relief in my body and mind as I sighed into knowing the work of getting there was nearly done. To my dismay, I was informed I had just encountered a false peak. It was as disappointing as it sounds. The summit was close, but I still had a ways to go. My most recent encounter with this rather fine gentleman was just like that. He fit the bill to 90+%. Some would be thrilled with that, pushing and cajoling it until you shaved off the edges and lodged that oval peg into the round hole.
I felt completely perplexed for days as to the purpose of this “close but no cigar” experience. One day I was pissed for hours, raging my anger at the universe that was obviously tricking and toying with me. Then I relaxed after speaking with my Zen’d out friend who held a sleeping newborn on her chest. The lesson for me is not to deal with the frustration of having more road to travel, nor the disappointment in meeting a great guy whose heart still happens to be smoking from the last woman who set it afire. I realized that this false peak was about building confidence in my ability to maintain and display my true self. I was honest, respectful and centered during the time I spent with this guy in a way I’ve never been before. No obsessing, fretting, molding myself to fit and show the “perfect Kate”, nor did I seek approval in whatever shape and form I could get it. I am now the woman I’ve wanted to become (at least in this area!) since I began my search for her. Thank goodness! So, no more resentment for this lesson, but gratitude for my journey that has brought me to a greater trust and love for myself.

Negativity and Suffering Have Their Roots In Time

I was really struck by this particular passage in a book I'm reading. Please consider these thoughts...

All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time (the focus on past or future, not clock time) and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry–all forms of fear—are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, not enough presence. Most people find it difficult to believe that a state of consciousness totally free of all negativity is possible. And yet this is the liberated state to which all spiritual teachings point. It is the promise of salvation, not an illusory future but right here and now.

You might find it hard to recognize that time is the cause of your suffering or your problems. You believe that they are caused by specific situations in your life, and seen from a conventional viewpoint, this is true. But until you have dealt with the basic problem-making dysfunction of the mind—its attachment to past and future and denial of the Now—problems are actually interchangeable. If all your problems or perceived causes of suffering or unhappiness were miraculously removed from you today, but you had not become more present, more conscious, you would soon find yourself with a similar set of problems or causes of suffering, like a shadow that follows you wherever you go. Ultimately, there is only one problem: the time-bounded mind itself.

~Eckhart Tolle, from The Power of Now~

My Ego and the Horse She Rode in on

I was walking yesterday, contemplating my feelings after a short but wonderful getaway to Utah, then coming home to the resistance I had so easily dropped there. I had this image of my ego riding in on a horse and looking like Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead. I did say it was my ego right? --she can look as fabulous as she wants. Surly, vengeful, vulnerable and hot. I had escape from her for a while, but apparently all my releasing had still left a plate to be washed-and it was stinking up the place. I felt a low grade, suppressed indignation yesterday that came up in the afternoon into feelings of disrespect and injustice. I had been treated in an unacceptable fashion by a group of people I had given my time, energy and effort to. HHMPF! Well! My ego had apparently rode in on a horse that also called itself Pain. So surly Sharon came strolling into town on Pain's body. Have you ever had retroactive assistance in such situations? I came across a great quote my friend Lisa had on a corkboard in her home. A therapist had shown it to her while she was in graduate school.

"How others treat you is their path. How you react is yours." I know logically how I was treated wasn't about me, although I certainly had some vibrational influence on attracting the situation to me. I never really felt valued working with these people, and even months later, such a feeling was reflected back to me. Was I right? Does it matter? Not really. The important thing I will remember of this particular event was that I will make a point to make sure I take care of those around me who offer me their time, energy and effort. I can only do so much to influence how others feel about their experience with me, but I will know that I've come from a place of appreciation when working with others.

As for my persistent cowgirl and her hurting horse, I know that she can only intimidate me with her swagger and six shooter when I give her that power. And every day I stay present and conscious she gets weaker and less bothersome. And maybe, just maybe, she'll realize it's her time to get on that sad nag and ride off into the sunset.