The Power of Another

I'll admit it. I've been in a funk since last week. To say I've been stuck in my head could be an understatement. I might have said before that the process of unpacking my baggage came with an accompanying darkness . I'm starting to come around to the idea that it might just be my own self-indulgence. I really don't believe growth has to be painful, although it's belief I still could use some dissolution on.

I spoke with a good friend yesterday. I bet she and I haven't talked in nearly 2 years. I used to joke on the messages I'd leave on her voicemail that I was dating her inbox. Sexual innuendos aside, for whatever reason (and on my side there were many) we'd eluded actually speaking to one another for a ridiculous amount of time. She and I became friends when I was in AmeriCorps in Berkeley ten years ago. I loved her immediately as I have with all my truly great friends-having an immediate, undeniable connection. We were in some training at the beginning of our service and she sat next to me and made a joke I still remember clearly, "It may take two to tango, but only one to eat a mango". Being the sewer rat I am, it elicited an unforgettable laugh.

One of the take home messages I learned last year was that long term friendships need updating. If we don't download the newer versions of people as they evolve, it's easy to keep who they used to be in our minds, becoming inflexible in our inteactions and understanding of them. I'm certainly guilty of doing this with myself. For whatever reason (mercury retrograde?), I needed to talk to her and the universe finally coordinated in symphony to deliver me this woman's bright light and lovely laugh. We talked for some time, and it came apparent how much she's changed and now shines brighter than ever. Just talking to her in those 80 minutes uplifted me more than I've been in weeks. I realized how much resistance I've been in, pushing against myself in ways I wasn't aware of. I was able to let go and get into a state of allowing again. Needless to say I was energized and felt a lovely buzz of gratitude for my long lost friend. I love having such a powerful bond with someone that you can go ages without contact and when you meet again, the sense of connection is palpable. I'm not letting this friendship drift off into lala land again. My guess is that the timing is perfect, as only the universe could coordinate.

So today, I honor the gift of my friend, her spirit, our friendship and its importance in my life. Thanks Luna.

Dum spiro, spero

While I breathe, I hope.

I don't know where I've been this weekend. I just know I've done some serious deconstructing of beliefs I have held steadfast to. I'm talking about the kind of things I was sure about myself-some of which I've believed were necessary to my safety in this world. Somewhere in the span of navigating our way through the waters we all develop and cling to things we are positive we need to protect ourselves from others. The odd thing is these truths are the same walls that prevent us from being loved-holding us apart from the vulnerability that will bring us to our knees, encompassing a weakness that we fear is untolerable. What I'm realizing bit, by bit, is that this paradigm is just that. Ways of moving through conversations and looks and energy fields that were just illusions of safety that I thought I needed, that were necessary for me to identify with.

I know I'm being vague. I often seek two things, approval and control. It occured to me recently how much I seek to be disapproved of, and how much with certain people, in certain situations I seek to be separate. I want to walk into a room at times and be loved, be admired, be unique and be left alone-all at the same time. How is that possible? What contradictions! I knew the first three, but the fourth shocked me a bit. I've known I have this energy I put out that is meant to protect and separate me, but I've been questioning lately why it's necessary anymore. I wonder why I want it, and the more I think about it, feel it, I would like to let it go. I think it's what holds me apart from love-not just a partner, but from those who could support me on my path. If I could attract two more smiles, a friendly opening in traffic and wave, or maybe helping hands with my career and friendship, why hold onto these walls I've built since whenever I found the first bricks?

It's strange, my intention was to write this blog in a completely different direction. The expectation of what was to come. I loved this Canadian blog I came across while looking for pictures related to that. It's where I found the Latin title and accompanying meaning. But more than just finding a pretty picture, I remembered that writing this blog is about believing in myself and this peculiar journey. I am complicated. But the beautiful thing is that no one I know isn't. We're all celtic knots, intertwined and tangled to form lovely and intriguing combinations that may never be fully unlocked.