More Agape... Notes On My Quirky Path

The Blessing of New Year

2010-01-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

I love a fresh start. There is something so beautiful and promising about the chance to put up a new calendar knowing that nothing in the time frame it represents has occurred. We don’t know what will happen in the course of those new days, and each and every day gives us the choice to make it a good or not-so-good experience. For me, no other time offers this type of keen awareness but the start of a new year. People seem more willing to look for ways to improve themselves; their life and the world around them at the beginning of a year—regardless of the results come spring, summer or fall. Many of us put together resolutions and goals with the hope of doing things different this time around with a positive expectation that the results might be better. Being someone that loves the concept of personal improvement, it’s always an exciting universal offering to observe and appreciate.

I wonder what my new year might hold in store for me. Will I get more of the things I want for myself? What will I observe that makes me want something different in my experience, for others and for this world? What new books, movies and shows will I come across that move me? What new scenes in nature will I see that will invoke a sense of awe and appreciation? What new people will I meet that I feel connected to and offer me new perspectives? What old friends will I see again and share laughter and love with? What new things will I learn and do in my job that will inspire me and assist me in better serving this community, locally and globally? It’s so exciting to think about when I look at it from this perspective. I absolutely love the feeling of promise my New Year holds. Can you feel this same sense of anticipation and excitement? I certainly hope so.

Life is full of cycles— open and closed, tuned in and tuned out, tapped in, tapped out, turned on and turned off. If there’s one resolution and goal I’d like to embody this year it is to be more often open, tuned in, tapped in and turned on (yah baby). Everything else I want will come naturally from those moments, feelings and places. I’m telling you, there’s nothing like the blessing of a new start! Please enjoy and appreciate yours.

That Pesky Cherub

2009-11-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

Months before V-day, I’ve recently been inundated with images of that chubby little boy with wings and a bow and arrow. Outside of the obvious association of getting plugged full of arrows when love strikes, I’m expanding my understanding more to the concept of divine timing. I’ve been a particularly impatient person when it comes to the pieces of the puzzle coming together. This Fall, I’ve felt this impending change approaching I’ve not been able to put my finger on. This feeling has intensified in the last week or so. I couldn’t tell you why, but I’ve been overwhelmed with the sense of the tide pulling out before a big wave comes in. What feels better is to focus on the possibilities, but my logical mind continues to throw up the potential obstacles, peppering the pictures with ways I’ve felt burned before. Have you ever wondered what today would feel like if we had no memories were triggered-- the pain, disappointment and fear that previously dominated our experience--when considering a current or future scenario. Wouldn’t we be so much braver and alive if this was the case? I put a connection aside because of the perceived impossibilities and the complexity and mistrust of my past whims. The irony is I just re-looked at the blog I wrote in June. I wrote about the hindsight of the power of trusting the overwhelming urges I had. I wondered at their ability to manifest more than meets the eye. I am so willing to look for as many reasons that my feelings and instincts are valid as I am to believe I’m just creating all this in my head. It’s no wonder I feel so confused. The trick here is that I don’t have an obvious next logical step to take. This situation is about managing my thoughts and energy. I can’t send off an email, make a call, or create an exchange. I simply have to be open and allow the next step appear from this fog I’ve created. The best way to use that time is to appreciate this beautiful spot where I’m standing. I have a clear choice. I can look around and freak out because I’m not sure where this is all heading, what the outcome will be, and fret over how all it will all work out—or I can let go and know that the pieces are falling into place naturally and perfectly. That chubster may very well have taken aim, but nothing says the arrows feel anything but wonderful as they hit their mark.

“Manifestation is an act of trust. It’s the soul pouring itself out into its world, like a fisherman casting its net to gather the fish it seeks; with each cast properly made, we will bring what we need to us, but first we must hurl ourselves into the depths without knowing just lies beneath us.” ~David Spangler~

The Connection Misunderstood

2009-11-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

I wonder if I was born without the gene that allows me to feel a sense of accomplishment when it occurs. I just finished 95% of a project that I've spent the last 6+ mos working on and I feel like barely anything has ended. What the hell is that about? Shouldn't I feel some amazing high or at least a sense of relief? Have I become jaded to my own winnings? I think I just know that it's not an end and I have ceased to let myself off the hook. It may be easier to let others celebrate my "success" at this point. I know there's more to be done. I've become addicted to the sense of expansion that comes from wanting more and the experience of catching up to it.

I've gotten up every morning for the last two weeks before 6am so I can read books at my favorite coffee shop that I know are increasing my professional potential. John Kotter may very well be a business/organizational management god. Read Leading Change and tell me otherwise.

Anyway, I'm a bit scattered or maybe delaying the reference to the title of my blog. I have wondered in my search for self-trust why I continue to manifest incidences that test my belief in myself. I question connections and my understanding of them. One specifically, that was evident in my heart from the beginning, and that now my mind can only see the impossibilities of. It is the mind that builds the mistrust, my heart only knows the possibilities--the universe can only confirm the heart's truth. Where should the bets be made? I know what feels better--to trust what lifts my hope up, while letting the rest fall away. It's amazing what the mind can sow without a sense of reciprocation or evidence.

Trust what I feel? Really? Just trust what I feel? Ok then. Trust what I feel.

Remembering Why

2009-08-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

I recently was reminded of this dream I had for myself, a goal that would cascade the evolution of creation in my life. It's interesting how when we don't immediately see results of our efforts (those through visualization or action) we get discouraged and let things fall away in our disbelief. I did this with the goal I have. It's really a rather easy goal in the grand scheme of things--it takes little effort, little risk and if it's as easy to create a castle as a button (as Abraham-Hicks say), then it will be mine. Why did I give up on this easy thing? Because when I tried for a couple of months to create it, it didn't manifest. So I'm trying again. And the funny thing is that I keep seeing things that remind me of it--an Oprah episode talked to someone who had achieved this goal, and I just saw something at the supermarket that reminded me of it. It's out there waiting for me to align myself so I can have it. I love that idea.

I heard someone say the other day that they were just ready to hear a piece of advice that had been offered to them countless time and that she had disregarded as many times. One day, she was ready. What's up with that!? I know it's part of the process and journey, but goodness I want to be ready for all those golden nuggets of wisdom that come my way. I have countless books and articles on how to make my life better every second of every day. This student is ready to practice practice practice. I heard an Abe Cd on my drive to the mountains last week that said "Masters want something and believe they can do it." Is it more about beliefs than practice? If that's true, I'm going to live more intentionally and hopefully keep rolling with the breath of inspiration, lighten up when others around me are heavy and keep manifesting what I want rather than the other.

My friend Diane has had a rough couple of years and she told me that she was surprised her friends hadn't abandoned her because of the roller coaster ride. I'm not sure where it came from, but I told her that she had just been busy rearranging her life to position herself for greater happiness. What may seem like poor choices to one person is a move on the chessboard toward happiness for another.

With all that's going on with people, how can we ever assume that we know the outcome of our decisions, particularly the radical ones? Everything is unfolding perfectly, even in the midst of the chaos we cannot see the forest for the trees. The trees still know we are safe, we are well and we are blessed. Remember what ever it is you loved the idea of and set down out of discouragement and disbelief. Maybe this your next step in the evolution of your creation.

The 7 Week Itch

2009-06-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

This was an interesting week for the dominance of emotions over logic. I wonder a bit at the timing and power of such overwhelming urges and their role in manifesting more than meets the eye. I spoke with my friends of this specific incident when I felt possessed to get a confirmation or closure related to a matter that was close to my heart. I literally felt pushed over the edge of logic and was ruled in the moment my fingers hit the keyboard to type up an email. I even watched in awe as I sent this email, nearly fully knowing that I might regret the action, it was highly likely to make no change in the situation, and could end up causing me more pain. I had this image later of angelic peer pressure causing me to act beyond my pride and self righteous indignation. I see now, knowing the result of this action that this truly ended up working to my advantage: closure, a better state of mind and the ability to move forward in a way that might’ve been more challenging if I had not been able to meet with this person one last time for this ‘confirmation’. I wonder even if my desire for this resolution trumped all the reasons for not making contact in the past 7 weeks. Who knows? All I know is that taking what could be perceived as a crazy, potentially humiliating action can often be the exact thing we needed to help ourselves move beyond a lingering, painful and confusing emotional situation. I hope knowing this might bring me or anyone else who reads this the courage to move past their pride, logic, judgment and self-protection with a situation that needs resolution. That scary and intense action might provide you with the relief and release you are seeking.

Climbing While Still Holding On

2009-05-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

I was thinking that the title of this blog could be seen as obvious or veiled. Can we really still move upwards in growth if we’re still holding on? I think in view of the need to maintain our balance in this world of emotions and thoughts, part of us will always still be touching an experience that happened to us, good or bad. The problem might that the memory of the experience is still attached to negative emotions. Is that why we continue to manifest the same situations and interactions in our life?

Over the last couple of years I’ve been using the Sedona Method (a technique for emotional releasing) with varying frequency and the premise is that we can free ourselves from wanting into having if we just let go of the resistance that surrounds desires. I can honestly say that the method helps tremendously with moving into a state of acceptance and is accompanied by a feeling of freedom. I admit with my current situation, sometimes I resist wanting to give up my feelings and some attachment exists to them that I haven’t been able to address. Why do we not do the things we know can make us feel better? Is it really more work to change or improve or is it actually harder and takes more effort to hold on to our perceptions, images and behaviors and avoid self-examination like the plague?

I know that I don’t want to spend all weekend or my free time contemplating my life and relationships. That is exhausting. But I do know that at some point in my younger years I decided that I really wanted to be the best me I could be. I found out quickly that this meant soliciting and listening to feedback I got from those around me- negative and positive and trying not to personalize what the messages were. What a challenge that is! I knew that reading, improving the avenues of information (media, TV, movies) I gave my attention to and finding more meaningful friendships or improving the ones I had were necessary venues for learning. I knew that finding love and using the experience with the other person would be a great way to learn more about myself and how to open more. My friend pointed out to me that most people don’t approach relationships this way. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I certainly know it’s what I wanted. I finally got that loving relationship and for that I am so grateful. For the most part, I let go of my ideas of what it should be and just let it be. The romantic relationship didn’t last, but I also learned with greater understanding that if you do truly love someone, the love does. And the lesson that really got sent home to my heart, mind and every cell vibrating within me is that what I really would rather feel better than be right. I have chosen any suffering I’ve experienced in the past few weeks, even if at the time I didn’t feel any freedom in the choice. I chose to cry or not, chose to feel lonely or not, chose to feel love or be closed off. I wouldn’t take back a second worth of the pain I experience now for any of the time I had with him. Experiencing the love was worth it, loving him was worth it, he was worth it.

If you’re going to be in control of your thoughts you really have to be on it! Is it a half second or a milli before you head into a death spiral of negative, poverty thinking? It could very well be. But there’s always an opportunity to pull up through a smiling baby or friendly colleague, a vibrant red tulip, 9 out of 10 green lights on the way home, or a delicious meal. It may not always open the space needed to feel much better, but any half step out of a personal hell is a progress and a good direction to follow.

It's Right Where I Left It

2009-03-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

I realized in the last week or so the source of my heavy, down mood and feelings. What I realized was that quite simply I had disconnected from my self, my power and my love. I had been feeling angry, indignation, resentment and lack, for weeks at differing degrees. While I had been going through the motions with meditation, I had been letting my mind do whatever it wanted in my sessions and in between. Thought control was negligible. It's still amazing to me that if you don't bring some type of awareness into your daily life how the mind will absorb the negative in the world around you and all that to penetrate through your entire experience. And many of us could agree there's a huge focus on the negative right now, plenty for the mind to grab hold of and keep running with.
I also realized with a fleeting horror as I pulled up my blog that I hadn't made an entry in almost three months. How did that happen? Well Kate, you were disconnected. The startling thing was I hadn't even thought about my blog in that period. My blog has come to mean an outlet of creativity, a sense of urgency to express my connection with the world. Hmm. I can see the imbalance now so clearly.
So when I cleaned up the connection that will always be there, polished and wiped away the gunk I'd put on it, I felt better and better and better. And suddenly while washing my hair in the shower I remembered my desire to express this amazing connection through the beautiful picture I find to accompany my words, and found the words waiting as well. I also have found that the connection and peace is right where I left it.

The Gifts of the Year

2008-12-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

The general insanity of this time of year lends itself to the occasional parting of the chaos to view what we truly have to be grateful for. With all the media focus on the gloom of circumstances of our outside world (inside as well for too many of us), I thought I’d write an entry that aimed to refocus anyone who chooses to read this. While I didn’t meet my 2008 goal to write a daily gratitude list, I believe I’ve served myself by keeping a mental tally whenever possible in my head. I’ve also gotten better at helping others do the same. I think what I’ve excelled at is drilling down to levels others may not access.
Example: Today and for the last days, weeks, months, years, etc you hate your job. It offers no redeemable fulfillment to your passion, satisfaction, etc. You feel no acknowledgment, no added worth, no appreciation for the work you do. In this harsh light, no wonder its hard to get out of work in the morning, Sunday nights are hell and Mondays and Tuesdays feel like extended torture sessions. Time for a reframe, and try not to argue with me to twist your thoughts back into your place of misery.
Your job and income may not offer you satisfaction, but it does place food on your table, pay for clean water from your tap, take waste away from your house (toilet, sink, curbside pickup, dumpsters), heats your home, lights your way so you don’t trip, can read and see to cook, provides a comfortable and warm bed to sleep in, pays for transportation in whatever form you choose, provides a space for refuge and entertainment, it allows you to go places so you can get perspective and peace, it may allow you to feed your children, pay for public education, parks, good roads, order and protection, artwork in public places, sidewalks, bike lanes, access to some of the best medical professionals in the world if you god forbid you become ill or injured, cleaner air, cleaner water, cleaner roads, beautiful and comfortable clothes, shoes for your feet, hot water to clean your dishes, soak and clean your body, and a toothbrush and paste so people will talk to you. Maybe this terrible job allows you to find your way to some other profession because now you know what you DON’T want to do. Please be careful not to devalue this particular characteristic. Many of us have spent precious time and resources doing things we thought we wanted to do only to realize differently—this was not a mistake or a waste of energy, this was part of the beautiful process of elimination.
There are always more chances and choices to have and be made.
You will always miss 100% of the shots you do not take.

I know and am maybe more cognizant at this time of what a great year it’s been for me. But I know what it took for me to get here—sacrifices, compromises, moments of panic and doubt and downright sheer terror. I know that this too shall pass. But I truly believe that most of it was possible for the simple reason that I believed it could be, for me and for you. With so much focus this year on lack, I wanted to show who ever took the time to read this (thank goodness for that great skill!) that I don’t take any of this new found abundance for granted. And the truth is that I am not any more worthy than you or anyone else. We all are worthy of the goodness this experience has to offer.
I wish for you all the abundance you deserve and are so worthy of: more laughter, joy, love, prosperity, hugs, kisses, smiles, and peace. Blessed be.

Applied Hope

2008-11-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in awhile, but I came upon this quote that I loved about hope--the need for the application of it rather than just the belief. I felt grateful for it, as I have struggled with trying to find a way to infuse my beliefs into my work. I know that I have at times a wonderful ability to inspire and I need this skill and gift now more than ever. As my flashlight dims in the tunnel, panic rises in my throat, I remember that I am my own light. I needn't seek others out for batteries or another form of energy to fuel mine--the well is always there, I just forget that it is in a constant state of renewal. Only I am responsible for pinching off the flow with stress, worry and doubt. I brought in all the goodness into my life, allowed it to come and was aware enough to see it before me. I wish you moments of peace, love and joy and ask that you to calm down enough to see all your abundance in the forms of smiling faces, food on your table, clothes on your back and shelter that keeps you safe. Blessed be.

“We work hard to make the world better, not from some airy theoretical hope, but in the practical and grounded conviction that starting with hope and acting out of hope can cultivate a different kind of world worth being hopeful about, reinforcing itself into a virtuous spiral. Applied hope is not about some vague, far-off future but is expressed and created moment by moment through our choices.

Applied hope is not mere optimism. The optimist treats the future as fate, not choice, and thus fails to take responsibility for making the world we want. Applied hope is a deliberate choice of heart and head. The optimist has his feet up on the desk and a satisfied smirk knowing the deck is stacked. The person living in hope has her sleeves rolled up and is fighting hard to change or beat the odds. Optimism can mask cowardice. Hope requires fearlessness.

In a world short of both hope and time, we seek to practice Raymond Williams’s truth that “To be truly radical is make hope possible, not despair convincing.” Hope becomes possible, practical-even profitable-when advanced resource efficiency turns scarcity into abundance. The glass, then is neither half empty nor half full; rather, it has a 100 percent design margin, expandable by efficiency.”
~Amory Lovins~

Lessons from the Needy and Weak Moments

2008-10-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve experienced a good deal of stress lately. My recently attained position is a wonderful thing. But as most people know, even good change can cause disruption, upheaval and stress. I ran into many old patterns, feelings and reactions last week. Performance anxiety has been a big one lately, and the fear of disappointing others through a lack of delivery and service is taking too much room on my plate. Goodness! I can be hard on myself. I’ve never had a job that was created and new. I have such a tremendous opportunity to learn, experiment and grow. What do I do with my energy instead? I use up my creative energy and power worrying about how I’m going to do it all. I can’t think of a worse way to approach this. Granted it’s understandable, but it certainly isn’t helpful.

I was thinking about how I can manage my stress better and it really comes down to remembering the basics: exercise, eating better, meditating, do things that are fun and make me laugh and breathing deep. Ok, every one knows this stuff is good to do, but when push comes to shove most of us would rather dig into the Halloween candy, or open another bottle of beer, smoke, and then take Tylenol pm –whatever people do to tune out and turn off. I may be externalizing as this sounds like my last 10 days… Boy have I been guilty of these things lately. But I realized that as I go through this period that if I can just add one more thing to appreciate in this time, I am better off than I was when I looked for all the things that could go wrong. I am more aware now of this, and can hopefully watch out for myself slipping again. I want to be easier on myself if I melt down occasionally, because the truth is I’ve come a long way in how I react and handle myself. I have more perspective and have a great opportunity to learn about what works and what doesn’t. And nothing is wrong with finding out what doesn’t work. Just move on and try something different.

I read this quote out of a Bill Harris letter and it helped me appreciate from a higher elevation how I’ve grown and continue to do so. It’s simply a good reminder.
“The great modern philosopher and developmental psychologist Ken Wilber is fond of saying that spiritual development (in fact, all development) is a matter of adopting additional perspectives. We begin life with a very limited perspective. As we develop — as we evolve spiritually — we add additional perspectives. As we add perspectives, our awareness expands. In fact, these are just two different ways of describing the same phenomenon. You might say that as we develop we increasingly perceive and experience how everything is connected and goes together — we focus more on the relationships between people, things, and events — rather than seeing and experiencing people, things, and events as separate from each other. In other words, our perspective becomes more holistic. The more we see things in terms of how they are separate, the more likely we are to be unhappy, fearful, anxious, unsuccessful, and isolated. The more we see how everything goes together and depend on everything else, the more likely we are to feel good, to feel connected to the world and other people, and to be successful. In other words, the more perspectives we are able to take... ...the better life works.”

The Good, The Bad, and the Grateful

2008-10-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the strange combination of good and bad. It seems that with all the changes in my life over the past years (yes I have had chill years, although I can’t remember what that’s like), there seems to be a distinct balance to the experience. And dammit it seems to be grounded in some universal truth. With the good comes the bad. Now, I know there is also a choice in perspective in this statement. I pick what’s good and I pick what I think is bad. But if there’s one true thing about such a statement, it is that time can give you the space place to view the emergence of events.

For example: I remember complaining about having to take meeting notes for three separate groups this winter during my internship. I tried at the beginning to feel grateful for the opportunity to learn more about these topics. But I hated having to take notes, not being able to participate, and sit there basically focusing on what was being said. I was fairly new to the dynamics of the City’s Utilities and I was sitting in groups with upper management. I didn’t know much about what was being discussed, I slowly learned, and through my diligence and attention to detail, somehow I established credibility with the members in each of these meetings. I gained an important professional ally who saw potential in me--some of his understanding of me is still a mystery. But slowly I watched in amazement as I gained respect, accolades and more responsibility. I earned a fat raise, and a month ago was given the opportunity to facilitate and coordinate the activities of two of these groups, while still participating with the other. I was offered a contract position, which allows me to continue to develop with these two projects. I was nervous at first of the idea of only have a year’s worth of security (the bad), but I realized that a year is a long time to develop and move forward. I could never have predicted when I sat in those first meetings, grumbling and feeling devalued as a simple “note-taker” that things would end up in this spot. Seeing this happen in my own life instills a greater sense of trust in how things evolve. Reserving judgment might be a good practice in those first blush moments. I also feel a little more understanding that I could be better off not knowing how the story of each novella in my life ends. I hope that next time I feel panicked about a situation and how bad it seems at the time that I can remember to stop, drop the thoughts and trust. I needn’t create additional suffering in my life by focusing on how bad it is, how bad it can get and how it will stay like that forever. If I pay attention, look and then focus on it—I can see the abundance and miracles I doubted and never thought were possible surrounding me.

Thanks T—you helped me remember why I write these…

It's Not All Hunky Dory...

2008-08-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, as most who know me can attest, I’ve been alone a lot and been searching a long time. Now that I stumbled across a fine man who matches me, things should be set for me right? Well, for those who have forgotten or are under the misguided assumption (definitely include me in this group) that a mate will make things perfect, we are sorely mistaken. Geez, now the work begins: Battling demons to be your friend and ally instead of an enemy, shining the light on your insecurities so they dissipate, staying open, letting go of the gripping fear that can accompany being open, staying balanced and caring to yourself, being honest no matter how the other person reacts, doing best to keep your hands off the window you used to throw yourself out of…It’s exhausting. I’ve even had the strangest manifestations lately. While laughing and having a good ol’ time, a wasp flew into the car I was in to sting me on my lower inner thigh! Zowie-- that was a damper to the fun! Not to mention when I looked up the symbolism of a wasp, it was to maintain direct communication with honesty and clarity. Have I not been doing that? I certainly don’t think I needed an itchy, red and angry sting to pull me into that realization.
It really is amazing how the body reacts to change and stress. Systems go haywire so that you have to address the obvious imbalance—incessant fantasies, curiosity and an overall lack of presence, too much food, booze, lack of personal time, combined with the killer combo of lack of sleep and too much romping. Few people would not have to put the vessel in dry dock for repair. It is a great reminder to take care of the one person that should matter the most to us, ourselves. If we don’t tend to our own feelings, get out of balance and spin into dysfunction, we have nothing left to give others. Maintaining our drive for our own satisfaction in life is so important. Projects and passions that once inspired us should not be set aside for anything-- for these are where we are reminded of our true selves, our creativity is set free, and we offer more to the world than just a partnership with another (no matter how powerful that may be).

The Dragon and the Princess

2008-06-28T08:08:00.001-07:00

I came upon this story while reading After the Ecstacy, the Laundry by Jack Kornfield. It was a beautiful metaphor for the as Jack calls it, "entering the silence of the forest"...as we enter the beginning steps in our chosen spiritual practice.

"A traditional Swedish story gives a sense of the next phase of the journey. Because of the mishaps of her parents, a young princess named Aris must be betrothed to a fearful dragon. When the king and queen tell her, she becomes frightened for her life. But recovering her wits, she goes out beyond the market to seek a wise woman, who has raised twelve children and twenty-nine grandchildren, and knows the ways of dragons and men.

The wise woman tells Aris that she indeed must marry the dragon, but there are proper ways to approach him. She then gives instructions for the wedding night. In particular, the princess is bidden to wear ten beautiful gowns, one on top of another.

The wedding takes place. A feast is held in the palace, after which the dragon carries the princess off to his bedchamber. When the dragon advances toward his bride, she stops him, saying that she must carefully remove her wedding attire before offering her heart to him. And he too, she adds (instructed by the wise woman), must properly remove his attire. To this he willingly agrees.

"As I take off each layer of my gown, you must also remove a layer." Then, taking off the first gown, the princess watches as the dragon sheds his outer layer of scaly armor. Though it is painful, the dragon has done this periodically before. But then the princess removes another gown, and then another. Each time the dragon finds he too must claw off a deeper layer of scales. By the fifth gown the dragon begins to weep copious tears at the pain. Yet the princess continues.

With each successive layer the dragon's skin becomes more tender and his form softens. He becomes lighter and lighter. When the princess removes her tenth gown, the dragon releases the last vestige of dragon form and emerges as a man, a fine prince whose eyes sparkle like a child's, released at last from the ancient spell of his dragon form. Princess Aris and her new husband are then left to the pleasures of their bridal chamber, to fulfill the last advice of the wise woman with twelve children and twenty-nine grandchildren.

As in a dream, all the figures in such a story can be found within us. ...What this story reveals from the start is that the journey is not about going into the light. The forces of our human history and entanglement are tenacious and powerful. The path to inner freedom requires passing through them. Receiving grace, opening to illumination, becoming wise has not been easy even for the masters...

The first beauty is important to remember. But we must also remember the weeks of pain and considerable struggle that went before, and the years of practice that must follow. When we seek to open to the illumination of the divine, even if we know that the prince and princess will succeed in awakening, even if we can actually glimpse the sacred wedding, we cannot just go to the last page of the story and live happily ever after. We have to go through the great fear of marrying the dragon, the seeking of wise counsel, and the long process of releasing the painful habits we have clung to. It is the difficult, slow letting go that allows us to awaken from our enchancement."

I have been clawing off my scales, crying my own tears of pain along with the beauty of release. I wish you much love and strength as you release yours.

The False Peak

2008-06-19T10:33:00.001-07:00

When I was nineteen, I climbed La Plata Peak with my boyfriend Alan and his mountain goat parents Bill and Gentry. La Plata is one of Colorado’s famous fourteen thousand foot elevation mountains, the 5th highest to be exact. For me, it was supposed to be a beautiful hike, for my compadres it was part of a goal, a mission, and a thing to be “bagged”. Looking back now, it was a fundamental difference in philosophy and experience that resulted in the diminishment of my good time.

I recently had an experience that reminded me of this hike. I have made a concerted effort of late to open my heart. I heard a lecture from Mile High church in the Denver area that inspired me to develop a new intention for this chapter in my life. It was to live with an undefended heart. I created some space by releasing with the Sedona Method and started to feel better and better. It’s amazing how creating such space and openness brings up a natural sense of courage. It wasn’t like one day I said –Hey! I feel like I can seize the day! It was just available to me, unblocked at the surface waiting for me to use it.
So one day recently I did just that. I had the emotional courage to put myself out there and someone picked up on it and I got a couple of dates. While I initially got swept away a bit in the enthusiasm and excitement of someone new, I realized fairly quickly that what I came upon was not what it appeared. When all those years ago I struggled up that wicked trail to La Plata, I came upon the summit. I remember feeling such overwhelming sense of relief in my body and mind as I sighed into knowing the work of getting there was nearly done. To my dismay, I was informed I had just encountered a false peak. It was as disappointing as it sounds. The summit was close, but I still had a ways to go. My most recent encounter with this rather fine gentleman was just like that. He fit the bill to 90+%. Some would be thrilled with that, pushing and cajoling it until you shaved off the edges and lodged that oval peg into the round hole.
I felt completely perplexed for days as to the purpose of this “close but no cigar” experience. One day I was pissed for hours, raging my anger at the universe that was obviously tricking and toying with me. Then I relaxed after speaking with my Zen’d out friend who held a sleeping newborn on her chest. The lesson for me is not to deal with the frustration of having more road to travel, nor the disappointment in meeting a great guy whose heart still happens to be smoking from the last woman who set it afire. I realized that this false peak was about building confidence in my ability to maintain and display my true self. I was honest, respectful and centered during the time I spent with this guy in a way I’ve never been before. No obsessing, fretting, molding myself to fit and show the “perfect Kate”, nor did I seek approval in whatever shape and form I could get it. I am now the woman I’ve wanted to become (at least in this area!) since I began my search for her. Thank goodness! So, no more resentment for this lesson, but gratitude for my journey that has brought me to a greater trust and love for myself.

Negativity and Suffering Have Their Roots In Time

2008-05-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

I was really struck by this particular passage in a book I'm reading. Please consider these thoughts...

All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time (the focus on past or future, not clock time) and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry–all forms of fear—are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, not enough presence. Most people find it difficult to believe that a state of consciousness totally free of all negativity is possible. And yet this is the liberated state to which all spiritual teachings point. It is the promise of salvation, not an illusory future but right here and now.

You might find it hard to recognize that time is the cause of your suffering or your problems. You believe that they are caused by specific situations in your life, and seen from a conventional viewpoint, this is true. But until you have dealt with the basic problem-making dysfunction of the mind—its attachment to past and future and denial of the Now—problems are actually interchangeable. If all your problems or perceived causes of suffering or unhappiness were miraculously removed from you today, but you had not become more present, more conscious, you would soon find yourself with a similar set of problems or causes of suffering, like a shadow that follows you wherever you go. Ultimately, there is only one problem: the time-bounded mind itself.

~Eckhart Tolle, from The Power of Now~

My Ego and the Horse She Rode in on

2008-05-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

I was walking yesterday, contemplating my feelings after a short but wonderful getaway to Utah, then coming home to the resistance I had so easily dropped there. I had this image of my ego riding in on a horse and looking like Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead. I did say it was my ego right? --she can look as fabulous as she wants. Surly, vengeful, vulnerable and hot. I had escape from her for a while, but apparently all my releasing had still left a plate to be washed-and it was stinking up the place. I felt a low grade, suppressed indignation yesterday that came up in the afternoon into feelings of disrespect and injustice. I had been treated in an unacceptable fashion by a group of people I had given my time, energy and effort to. HHMPF! Well! My ego had apparently rode in on a horse that also called itself Pain. So surly Sharon came strolling into town on Pain's body. Have you ever had retroactive assistance in such situations? I came across a great quote my friend Lisa had on a corkboard in her home. A therapist had shown it to her while she was in graduate school.

"How others treat you is their path. How you react is yours." I know logically how I was treated wasn't about me, although I certainly had some vibrational influence on attracting the situation to me. I never really felt valued working with these people, and even months later, such a feeling was reflected back to me. Was I right? Does it matter? Not really. The important thing I will remember of this particular event was that I will make a point to make sure I take care of those around me who offer me their time, energy and effort. I can only do so much to influence how others feel about their experience with me, but I will know that I've come from a place of appreciation when working with others.

As for my persistent cowgirl and her hurting horse, I know that she can only intimidate me with her swagger and six shooter when I give her that power. And every day I stay present and conscious she gets weaker and less bothersome. And maybe, just maybe, she'll realize it's her time to get on that sad nag and ride off into the sunset.

Allowing the Blahs

2008-05-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

I experienced a lot of conflict yesterday. My ego popped in, and I witnessed my pain body nagging at me, both producing thoughts of indignation, victim-hood, and fear. The current of trust is still there however, carrying me even though I have chosen at times to ignore it. It’s like I’ve found myself in a swiftly moving river and in panic I’ve exerted this energy to swim to shore, when the river is the safest place to be. It’s hard to grasp at water, but seemingly easier to grasp at branches that will only keep you stuck in the same place.

I just finished listening to a radio recording of Elizabeth Lesser and Oprah Winfrey discussing the last chapter in summary of Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. I realized that in searching for a job and outer purpose—the details of these things—was within my ego. I don’t believe that desiring and being attracted to serving a steward of the environment was part of my ego. I do think that wanting and fearing the actual details of what the job will be has been driven at times by my ego. I feel that when I get quiet, I know the truth of my outer purpose, although I have been unable so far to manifest what I thought was “the perfect outlet” for that. I’ve looked high and low, bringing my mind so far into it, I’m sure I’ve missed the miraculous clues the Universe has provided for me. Too busy looking. The quote that struck me today, was although I knew this logically, I’ve failed to implement it directly, giving over my purpose truly to consciousness: “Ask that what ever you do is in service for something greater than yourself”. I’ve asked that whatever I was pursuing be in service for me and what I’ve wanted, desired and sought for recognition and approval. But I have never fully surrendered to using myself as a conduit for Source? I know what it feels like, being aligned, having things given and arranged easily as if the invisible hand worked through me. Lately while I become more conscious and present, I’ve watched myself in the old pattern of pushing the river. I’ve been trying to make things happen, under the façade of allowing—all the time feeling like I was doing something “wrong” because things haven’t changed externally.
So in my new goal is to not only be present, but ask daily if not more often, that the Universe use me for the greater good. It’ll be interesting to see if this helps me let go of the “hows” and just go with where the river takes me.

Honoring the Experience

2008-04-16T07:48:00.001-07:00

As I was biking to work yesterday morning, I saw this beautiful soft sunlight coming through a bush that had newly emerging leaves on it. It was such a fresh, light green that only a Spring birth can bring. I flashed on where I was at this time a year ago. Strangely enough, I really had to think about it, but remembered I was about two weeks away from submitting the final draft of my Thesis. I also remembered all the Northern Cardinals I saw in the New York woods that Spring. They always felt like little messengers to me--bringing me back into the presence of appreciation and gratitude. While I would love to see one floating through the trees here in Colorado, these striking red feathered men will forever be associated with those magical last 4 months I spent in NY.

As I kept riding my bike, I felt a greater emergence of peace about where I am now. I know that the anxiety and stress I experienced during my time in school helped me break free into this present serenity. I have gotten much better at honoring such experiences of late. While I’m still getting swept away occasionally by the old patterns, I know I am getting more efficient at catching myself as it develops. I’m allowing the witness within me to take an increasingly active role, letting her influence my perception more and more.

I recently got a great email from www.tut.com which hosts the Notes from the Universe. If you haven’t subscribed, please consider these short, inspiring notes that never cease to uplift and remind me of the magic of this world. Here’s my most recent favorite quote (it shifts often):

“Humility shows respect, Katy. Respect shows love. And love can only exist when there's a vision for prosperity, a belief in your own worthiness, and a sense that all is exactly as it should be. Cool, huh? Bring on the "butterflies."
~Notes from the Universe~

Spring Renewal

2008-03-21T13:38:00.000-07:00

I thought I might add a more relaxed and enlightened entry after my last ferocious chat. The storm has passed and luckily the dust has settled. I repaired any damage done and can appreciate the resiliency of my relationships with others.

I finally feel the sense of renewal and possibility that Spring has brought. I attended a lovely service at Mile High Church on Easter Sunday. I felt as if Roger Teel was talking directly to me as he spoke of letting getting go of the limitations I've placed on myself. I feel fresher and enthusiastic, and a lot more allowing. I don't have a strong need to write more, so I'll just enter a lovely quote and call it good.

"Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything ever witnessed anywhere in the Universe." ~Abraham-Hicks

Godzilla Attacks!

2008-03-10T10:52:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel like you've become the monster in this picture? Unapologetic, unbiddable and ungovernable? Well I have, and the gargantuan green nightmare came out this past weekend. How often is anger condemed for its destruction, and its influence in making others uncomfortable? When is a good thing, or should it be? I've pondered the role of anger in my life, and recently of its potential to assist or deter me during this current growth spurt. Growing up with a parent who functions in pain and anger has had an undeniable influence on me. I have grown to despise how anger came forth from me, the power it wielded, and how I felt like a victim to the raging Godzilla inside of me.

But as I work through some old programming and find my voice (even if it is a roar), I've found with the things I have felt defeated about, moving up into anger from a place of depression has been empowering. Now, granted my approach with those within my path isn't always well received, and I'm certainly not justifying any pain or hurt feelings I may have influenced. I am seeing however, that anger needs to be and is in intergral part of me moving into a new space of understanding. Anger is step two in the grief recovery process (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a genius). Depending on the subject, it's likely that I've skipped over this step, suppressing the demons- fearing they'd run off with me. My understanding is that if we skip steps in the process of grief, it's likely the areas that were not sufficiently expressed will find their ways out, usually in the form of dysfunction. Grief can permeate so much in our life-from the simplest disappointment to the most devasting loss. I think for the first time in my life, I am willing to give Godzilla a little "breathing" room. She needs to clobber and crash into the haunted houses where I've imprisoned myself. That kind of destruction can only be done with the crushing power of my supersized monster legs, fireballs pulled from my belly, and my swiping, slicing claws. I'm done having haunted houses full of ghosts and relics from the past. It's time to clear the path for lovely, new things to grow. And if it takes a 15 story tall , firebreathing lizard to do it, then so be it.

The Power of Another

2008-02-07T09:03:00.001-08:00

I'll admit it. I've been in a funk since last week. To say I've been stuck in my head could be an understatement. I might have said before that the process of unpacking my baggage came with an accompanying darkness . I'm starting to come around to the idea that it might just be my own self-indulgence. I really don't believe growth has to be painful, although it's belief I still could use some dissolution on.

I spoke with a good friend yesterday. I bet she and I haven't talked in nearly 2 years. I used to joke on the messages I'd leave on her voicemail that I was dating her inbox. Sexual innuendos aside, for whatever reason (and on my side there were many) we'd eluded actually speaking to one another for a ridiculous amount of time. She and I became friends when I was in AmeriCorps in Berkeley ten years ago. I loved her immediately as I have with all my truly great friends-having an immediate, undeniable connection. We were in some training at the beginning of our service and she sat next to me and made a joke I still remember clearly, "It may take two to tango, but only one to eat a mango". Being the sewer rat I am, it elicited an unforgettable laugh.

One of the take home messages I learned last year was that long term friendships need updating. If we don't download the newer versions of people as they evolve, it's easy to keep who they used to be in our minds, becoming inflexible in our inteactions and understanding of them. I'm certainly guilty of doing this with myself. For whatever reason (mercury retrograde?), I needed to talk to her and the universe finally coordinated in symphony to deliver me this woman's bright light and lovely laugh. We talked for some time, and it came apparent how much she's changed and now shines brighter than ever. Just talking to her in those 80 minutes uplifted me more than I've been in weeks. I realized how much resistance I've been in, pushing against myself in ways I wasn't aware of. I was able to let go and get into a state of allowing again. Needless to say I was energized and felt a lovely buzz of gratitude for my long lost friend. I love having such a powerful bond with someone that you can go ages without contact and when you meet again, the sense of connection is palpable. I'm not letting this friendship drift off into lala land again. My guess is that the timing is perfect, as only the universe could coordinate.

So today, I honor the gift of my friend, her spirit, our friendship and its importance in my life. Thanks Luna.

Dum spiro, spero

2008-02-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

While I breathe, I hope.

I don't know where I've been this weekend. I just know I've done some serious deconstructing of beliefs I have held steadfast to. I'm talking about the kind of things I was sure about myself-some of which I've believed were necessary to my safety in this world. Somewhere in the span of navigating our way through the waters we all develop and cling to things we are positive we need to protect ourselves from others. The odd thing is these truths are the same walls that prevent us from being loved-holding us apart from the vulnerability that will bring us to our knees, encompassing a weakness that we fear is untolerable. What I'm realizing bit, by bit, is that this paradigm is just that. Ways of moving through conversations and looks and energy fields that were just illusions of safety that I thought I needed, that were necessary for me to identify with.

I know I'm being vague. I often seek two things, approval and control. It occured to me recently how much I seek to be disapproved of, and how much with certain people, in certain situations I seek to be separate. I want to walk into a room at times and be loved, be admired, be unique and be left alone-all at the same time. How is that possible? What contradictions! I knew the first three, but the fourth shocked me a bit. I've known I have this energy I put out that is meant to protect and separate me, but I've been questioning lately why it's necessary anymore. I wonder why I want it, and the more I think about it, feel it, I would like to let it go. I think it's what holds me apart from love-not just a partner, but from those who could support me on my path. If I could attract two more smiles, a friendly opening in traffic and wave, or maybe helping hands with my career and friendship, why hold onto these walls I've built since whenever I found the first bricks?

It's strange, my intention was to write this blog in a completely different direction. The expectation of what was to come. I loved this Canadian blog I came across while looking for pictures related to that. It's where I found the Latin title and accompanying meaning. But more than just finding a pretty picture, I remembered that writing this blog is about believing in myself and this peculiar journey. I am complicated. But the beautiful thing is that no one I know isn't. We're all celtic knots, intertwined and tangled to form lovely and intriguing combinations that may never be fully unlocked.

2008-01-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like the concept and practice of trusting is a near continuous theme in my blog entries. But trusting is like exercising to stay in shape-you have to keep doing it. If you take a vacation from it, you'll find the weight of your own drama stuck to your ass.

I recently experienced my first true test of resolve regarding my job situation and trust. In my field there are so many amazing organizations doing good work on behalf of the environment. My practice up to this point has been to apply for jobs that sounded interesting, challenging, inspiring and might pay more than annual student loan payments. The challenge here is that many companies do not list what their salary ranges are so I end up applying for cool positions that don't pay squat. Thankfully the energy and momentum surrounding my job search has substantially picked up recently. I got an interview with Carbon Fund, this hip carbon offsetting non-profit in DC. I was thrilled. Thrilled, until I got a call back 5 minutes after setting up the interview asking me how much I wanted to make. So we danced around the number for a bit until I got it-and was crestfallen. It was nearly $20k less than my ideal. The problem with a drought is that the first sign of water makes ones mouth itch with anticipation, no matter what the water looks like. Is it safe, clean, enough to quench your thirst? In this case I knew better. I was so grateful this gentleman was upfront and honest with me about the compensation. I only had the interview for 5 minutes, not having any real time to become attached to it with expectations and thrills of what could be. So I closed the door, with gratitude for his and my own integrity and truthfully, with disappointment and some mild anxiety. The universe continued to test me by sending a rejection letter a few hours later for a job I had already interviewed for. I had detached mostly from that one, but I'll admit I flinched. Now is the time to relax into my understanding of how things work and remain clear and trusting that everything truly is fine and enough right now. I spend so much time trying to change my reality, I know I'm missing the great moments that are presenting themselves in each moment. I got this awesome quote from the Hicks' yesterday. It really encompasses it all.

"Every single person on the planet and every single Consciousness in the Universe has the same experience of being here and having a desire to be there. In other words, it is the promise of this eternal Universe… You’re always, always, always going to be on your way to something more—always. And when you relax and accept that, and stop beating up on yourself for not being someplace that you’re not, and instead, start embracing where you are while you keep your eye on where you’re going—now life becomes really, really, really fun." Abrabram-Hicks

Reflections and Revelations Version 2.0.0.7.

2007-12-31T07:37:00.000-08:00

2007 was not a mellow year for me. I've often heard people refer to growth as painful. But I've begun to question how much of that is inherent or perceived pain. All the teachers I have learned from recently seem to believe that we cannot feel anything but ourselves pushing against outside forces. This can challenging to believe with all the conditioning that other's actions, words, feelings and behaviour "makes" us feel the way we do. Even when I think I have a good grip on this, something will happen that causes me to revert back to the blamer-I can't believe that guy ran the stop sign and then honked at me! How could I have possibly ruined her day? As much as I've learned, I've come to understand that the real victory comes with one release at a time of the negative to the positive and better feeling thought.

One of the most profound sayings I've heard in the last few weeks hit me hard. I'm a goal oriented person-constantly measuring my life, standing, and experience based on where I think I should be by now. A lot of the recent influx of material, teachings and practices have been based on not only my need and desire for my life to improve, but because of this measurement. I've heard this before from other teachers, but for what ever reason I was finally ready to listen. I was listening to a Bill Harris seminar while working on a rather monotonous project. He was talking about the needs of many to rush through personal growth to attain the trophy, and the accompanying disappointment of expectations. He said "measure from where you've come NOT from the ideal." When this finally sunk in, I felt so much better about where I'm standing right now-even if it's not where I imagined, or where I thought I'd be. My outstanding accomplishments of 2007 felt so much more energized than before. If this still doesn't feel good go back 10 years, if that doesn't work, go back farther. Do you remember when you couldn't read or how hard it felt to learn to tie your shoelaces?

My friend Steph said one of her New Year traditions was to write down what she learned in the last year. I can easiliy profess that I learned and appreciated the power of love this year. If you had asked me three months ago, I would've said love cannot conquer all. I used to think this phrase was only referring to the love others have for me-or a love outside of ourselves. While I still believe there are other contributing factors, I have had two significant relationships where the power of love intervened. Love for self filled the holes pain, unworthiness and ego bored into us, and allowed for an overflow of understanding and reconciliation, and two friends I dearly love reentered my life. Love had the strongest arms and tools, and we allowed the vulnerability of our weaknesses to be exposed and tenderly appreciated.

I am a different person than I was a year ago- and without looking forward-can say with gratitude that I am a better person.

The Best Gifts Come When You Least Expect Them

2007-11-05T09:38:00.001-08:00

I don't know a single person who doesn't love to be appreciated. Most of us crave it, seek it through our actions-big or small-, and rarely give it to ourselves. How many times do we let all the "thank you's" we receive from others drift past us-barely registering or acknowledging them on our radar. If we do something with the understanding that it's out of our way, with our intentions set on acknowledgement, we certainly notice when we are not thanked. But does that mean that when we don't hear those two words that we haven't been appreciated? I'm beginning to challenge this notion more and more. Reciprocation occurs on many levels, sometimes simply on a energetic one. My guess is if our intentions and good deeds are on a purer level, and we provided a deeper appreciation for ourselves, we wouldn't need the verbal acknowledgement from others. However, the power and impact of a unexpected note of appreciation and acknowledgement cannot be understated. I've taken the effort over the last year to write down every day the things I love about myself and all the appreciation I have for the people, situations and things in my life. I believe the Law of Attraction holds true in this instance. I believe I have attracted more situations and people in my life who hold appreciation for me in return.

I spent nearly a year in Berkeley, California working with inner-city kids (mostly 5th graders) in an after-school program that provided environmental and outdoor education. Those who knew me during that year can attest that the work challenged me beyond my capabilities in many instances, and those kids felt at the time to be ungrateful, unappreciative and bored by the activities we did with them. I have always felt scarred by that time, although now I can appreciate the growth I experienced, and the accompanying strength I acquired. I didn't realize at the time until now what the prepaving of that experience gave me.

At the end of August I was asked if I'd like to do some watershed education with 6th graders up at Pingree Park (up the Poudre Canyon in CO) for their ecoweek. I myself attended ecoweek many years ago, so I remembered the area and some of the experience. I needed the work, so I agreed. I was skeptical and slightly dreaded the first day. It didn't help that my supervisor got violently ill on the drive up and hadn't trained me yet. I tried to get her to let us go back, mostly out of concern for her health, but truthfully I was hoping for a reasonable out. But Marcee's cranium is made of wood and we kept driving. We came over a hill and the view of the Mummy range nearly winded me. I remembered this view from nearly 25 years ago, and felt instantly sentimental. The first class was a little rough, but the kids were so enthusiastic and excited to look at water bugs under a microscope, their drawings so incredible and imaginative, I had instant appreciation for what I was doing. I didn't hurt that I was working in such a spectacular setting either. The fourth time I went up I spent the night, and was even surprised by how quiet the kids were- I think the teachers ran a tight ship. Marcee had gotten sick the drive up the day before so I had to teach the first class that day on my own. We worked with three classes on that trip, all from Tavelli elementary. They were a great bunch of kids overall, taught with caring and an involved group of teachers. Two weeks went by and I came in to do some work with Marcee and she gave me this thank you card. I at first couldn't figure out what the drawing was, thought it was sweet and put it away. But the second time I looked at it, I realized this amazing child had drawn a watershed- a cross section of the mountains, with a stream, a river and a pond-and then with a bluebird perching above it. The combination of the words, the effort, talent, and understanding of what we taught them in those two hours represented in the picture completely bowled me over. Kids are tricky to understand sometimes. You can never be that sure of your impact on them, particularly given such short interactions. But I knew from this one card that I had made an impression-and all that time and effort from the previous years in CA came into sharper focus and understanding. It's a lot to put on Ashley's card, but I finally felt the redemption. That little girl may feel more connected to nature, see a stream and its inhabitants different, and know the importance of protecting all of it now. And this gift to her and to me was unexpected.

The Gift of Half a Smile

2007-10-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

I was walking the other day, rumbling around in my thoughts. Because it was still early and quiet, I knew what was going on in my head had been hanging around from the day before. I'd been trying to release it, and well to be honest it just wasn't floating off like it could. The funny thing about this whole releasing thing is that I always want to say "yes", I would like to let it go-whatever it is. The truth is, sometimes it's just not that easy, and I'm still holding on to it for whatever reason. Hale Dwoskin states in his book that sometimes just asking the question "can you let it go?", even if the answer is no, makes enough room to allow you to release later.
So here I was standing at a corner not even realizing the full extent of how heavy and low I'm feeling. A minivan pulls up on my left and starts to turn. The man driving turns to me, masked in a hat and sunglasses, and as he passes by gives me half a smile. My immediate reaction is to smile back and WHOOSH! the release occurs. I almost laughed out loud. It made me feel so ridiculous and wonderful at the same time. I could hugged this man for his amazingly small but super walloped smile. The signal turned green and I headed across the street with a lightness I certainly didn't have but a minute before. The impact of that smile really hit me on a couple of levels, and most importantly it made me realize that even though we may have no idea the consequences of our actions sometimes, something as simple and nearly effortless as half a smile could help someone else. It certainly reassured me to think if I am genuinely feeling good, and I let that joy bubble up to my face and pour out to others (even if it's just a little bit) it could really make a difference in someone else's experience. Now that's my kind of power.

Release! Release! Release!

2007-10-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I wonder sometimes why we are so inclined to avoid doing things that have a very good possibility of improving our lives. I know the answer is probably that we're not ready, but in hindsight that answer usually seems to simplistic to me. I'm reading a fabulous book right now. I've known about the author and the concept for over a year. I've picked up the book, read the back, and then bought other books instead. For whatever reason I got it into my head recently to finally make a point of buying it. I found it right away, and can now barely stand to put it down. It's The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin. I think it's the missing piece of the puzzle I've been looking for. I know and understand many of the concepts of releasing resistance intellectually, but practicing it regularly in a formulated manner has been more challenging. The basic premise is that by releasing our emotions as they come, or by finding things we know we experience resistance about and releasing the feelings (not just the thoughts) that we can free ourselves permanently from their power over us. The cover of the book even so loftily claims that the method is "your key to lasting happiness, success, peace and emotional well-being". I can't claim any of that quite yet, but I can tell you two by-products of reading and practicing the principles of the first 131 pages I've read so far. 1. I've become hyper-sensitive to my feelings and the according thoughts. Now I've already been pretty conscious about that, but this really gears you up for that awareness and 2. I've honestly observed myself not reacting as extremely to things and people that might normally push my buttons. Hmm. There might be something to this. Of course this is something you have to consciously practice, but if the rewards are what I think they may be, what's a little letting go of the crap that's only holding me back anyway?

My favorite concept in this book so far is the idea that we may be resisting both sides of things we want. What Hale gives the example such as- say you want more money, a no brainer. Is it possible you are resisting not having money as much as you could be possibly wanting it? At first blush that sounds off, but think about it. How many of us have hang ups about other people with money. You see someone driving around in a car you covet and they happen to be a teenager. If you're like me, sometimes resentment may arise-I bet his dad bought him that! What did he do to deserve that expensive car? Whether we realize it or not these type of thoughts create resistance and very likely push money and abundance away from us. Maybe we fear what others will think of us, how they'll relate to us, or what they'll expect from us if we come into a windfall or become wildly successful. Money may be a more obvious thing to have a lot of resistance but what about other things? Another common one is our bodies. Maybe you want to get skinny and toned. I think many people may stay complacent about their bodies because well let's face it, it takes some work to get in shape, cook differently, say no to food someone else makes, it takes money to buy new "skinny" clothes and so on. So The Sedona Method has the possibility to really help getting energy lined up because you simply release the emotions and resistance. And I mean simply. Here's the questions you answer when releasing:

Asking one of the three questions avoiding any internal debate or thought- "Could I let this feeling go? Could I allow this feeling to be here? Could I welcome this feeling?"

Then depending on your answer- Would I? In other words: "Am I willing to let go?"

Then- "When?" And I swear if even if you say no or never, you are likely to feel some of your resistance dissolve.

Crazy simple right? He evens says that you can release on good feeling thoughts. Why the heck would we want to do that right? Well as an experiment I did that, and strangely enough I felt even better after doing so.

All I know is there may be something incredibly profound about this concept. I'd love it for someone else to pick this book up and let me know what they think. In the meantime, if you're wondering where's Katy? Don't worry, she's just letting go.

Tweak it a bit

2007-09-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't written on my blog in quite some time. I guess I haven't felt inspired to do so, considering my audience may have shrunk from two to one. But I remembered how good it felt to put my writing and spin on things out to the universe. I recently described my current reality as feeling like I had my landing gear down and was just circling the runway, waiting to land. I then had my reality and attitude described back to me as if it was like I had been sitting in a comfortable chair, but was now sitting in an ackward, uncomfortable position. Like the movie had ended and there I was still sitting in the theatre. The fun was over, and everyone else had transitioned and here I was still sitting there. I think sometimes when we're waiting for a big change, we start to see that change as the answer of the improvement of things. Like the girl waiting by the phone, hoping for the call from the hot guy, I've held my life and feelings hostage to this ship that I'm waiting to come in. And god does it seem to take forever. It's challenging to have done so much work on myself, experience a huge transition in many areas of my life, and keep up with the person I've become. I think in many ways that's why I'm feeling so disoriented and some of the losses and transition. I have wanted changes, they came and I'm still trying to relate and react to them like the old Kate, not the new me.

So I've decided to show the universe my willingness to accept change by tweaking my world a bit. I rearranged my room and changed the background on my phone. I've been taking new routes to go places I go to a lot-finding new things to appreciate along the way, and I even cut my hair a bit different and it's now extra sassy! It's amazing how by doing little things, I feel renewed, even more enthusiastic about my little routines. The point is to start to feel better now, not later, not once the bank account is filled, not once he shows up, not once I have more friends to spend time with, not once I buy the shoes, clothes and suit I want--but NOW. Our point of power is in the present moment, and these little exercises in change help a lot. I used to view myself as needing to be very routine oriented, that that helped me stay grounded and sane. But as I continue to practice the ability to feel good no matter what's going on around me, I find my creativity sparked in creating the same feelings a routine gives me, but in different situations. What a wonderful gift of freedom! I needn't feel handcuffed when things go awry, but find opportunities in seeing things I hadn't seen before. There's always something I can appreciate in every moment if I focus on that intention. And the best part is, it gets easier the more you do it.

Love to you in your journey.

The Art of Self Loving

2007-07-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, just to clarify for those who read this and know me well... I'm not about to give detailed instructions on how to make a night in alone more exciting, I'm talking about the more allusive and challenging concept of really loving the person we are right now. Not loving who I would be 5 lbs thinner, or $100,000 richer, or soulmate in tow, or clear skin forever, but me in this very moment-vulnerable, mildly sad and wanting for the things my mind can't figure out a way to have. A good friend lent me her book by Louise Hay, called You Can Heal Your Life. What grabbed me was the illustrations, but hooked me for the haul was within the first two sentences. "We create situations, and then we give our power away by blaming the other person for our frustration. No person, no place and no thing has power over us, for we are the only thinkers in it. When we create peace and harmony and balance in our minds, we will find it in our lives." BUT the biggest premise is that "when we really love and accept and APPROVE OF OURSELVES EXACTLY AS WE ARE, then everything in life works." Easy right? I've noticed it's much easier to observe and catch other people pulling out the bats to clobber themselves with than myself. But I recently got called out as a perfectionist last week, and I can't honestly think of a more unforgiving, uncompassionate, self-critical human condition than trying to be perfect in what every scenario a person will try to hammer, squeeze, twist and push themselves to fit into. Have I really been this hard on myself for all these years? Yup. So how in the hell did this happen? Especially if I came out of the womb so happy, joyful and connected (well except for the sore fanny)? Well, most of us know the answer to that, and the truth is those who helped and hindered us along the way were really just doing the best they could with their own beliefs-some of lack, hardship and pain, others of love, laughter and awe. As I'm reading this book, it just seems so simple to start changing my thoughts through simple affirmations like " I approve of myself" and "Love is everywhere and I am loving and lovable." And of course she suggests you say the first affirmation several hundred times a day. But the perspective is slowly changing. I have literally had some of the nicest smiles coming my way in the last week than I've noticed before. I even had someone turn in my wallet filled with cash and credit cards at a crowded movie theatre when I left it god knows where. I can't help but think there's something to all this, especially when I think of the happiest people I've known, vs. the most unhappiest. The journey of self discovery is full of speed bumps for a reason.

My coach said tonight during our session that have you ever noticed that when we are often complimented (particularly women in this culture) about how we look - or first thoughts maybe, "No, my hair isn't cooperating, or are you sure my hips don't look too big, or I think I look fat", but if you compliment a 7 year old they'll say " I know! My mom helped me with my hair and I have a new ribbon and I just love this dress!". Good point. So off I go to repeat my affirmations to see if I can work on clearing out the garbage, only 179 more times to go...

I was just stretching!

2007-06-13T07:41:00.001-07:00

My friend Steph and I have been on quite the journey these days. We were talking and processing all the recent changes in our lives, joking about how crazy it all feels when I had this image of a galloping horses scooping us up and riding away. I told her about this and she laughed and said "I was just stretching!". But the truth is, no matter how much we want change and things to go differently in a way that improves our lives for the better- when it does show up, it can be rapid, overwhelming and mind boggling. The funny thing is, she and I have been "preparing and asking for all of this". But my goodness it certainly showed up so quickly that we couldn't and didn't want to get out of the way of the galloping horse. Also, the manifestation of the new steps on our paths appeared so magically and nearly instantaneously that we barely had time to think about them- it was either act now, or say no thanks.
Speaking for myself, I acted on a whim (or intuition some might say) and was given a choice of YES or no to the situation- no maybes, no hemming or hawing, just a HELL YES or HELL NO. And the person that was making the offer was paying very close attention to my decision making process as an indicator of my openness and commitment. My logic/reason had no time to really process the whole scenario. Some may say that was a bad thing- but my opinion is that sometimes mulling things over allows all the fears, doubts and insecurities to invade your clarity. I went with my heart, my inspiration and my gut. So I possibly just said yes to the most important 6 mos of my life. I just jumped on the fast track and my dream life is speeding toward me. It will be a ton of work, but will hopefully be the kind of work that is fun, rewarding, inspiring and will help create my "10" life. I had a major part in creating this opportunity, and it snapped into place like a Lego, another piece that will help me create my dream. I got lined up and then got out of my own way. And we thought we were just stretching! Imagine every choice was like that...

Relax already

2007-06-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

I was playing tennis with my sister yesterday, and kept noticing that as soon as I relaxed and had fun my playing vastly improved and I'd be rewarded with a great shot- even if it was slammed back at me. I could just play in this place without thought and let my body and mind work their magic. As soon as I got frustrated by a misplaced shot or serve, I got "bunched up" and my game and attitude immediately deteriorated. I kept saying to Shannon, "I play so much better when I just relax". I must of said it two or three times and her response each time was, "Don't we all". I know this applies to every aspect of my life, and I don't doubt that you know this too. I know that I need the contrast of every frustrating annoyance in our life, and the fortitude and concentration to refocus on allowing, letting go and relaxing. This is a practice and art that I want to refine and keep in mind. Not always easy to remember or live, but the rewards come almost immediately if not in my immediate surroundings, but in how I feel. I feel better, and better and better- even if I'm starting from the worst of places.

I recently graduated from Bard College, and got a Master's Degree in Environmental Policy. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I started, and the experience quickly got away from me as I "bunched up" about grades, my intelligence compared to others, what I'd do with this degree, the expectations of others, and the biggest issue of the expectations I had of myself. Needless to say the first semester was miserable for me and those who tried their best to support me through this process. I found that when I came back from the semester break, that I didn't try to defeat myself by reading every extraneous journal article assigned, freak out by overwhelming myself by the big picture and I did much better grade-wise and my attitude improved. However, the lesson that replaced this one learned was being around the toxic attitudes of my classmates who chose to see the garbage in everything and not involving myself. At first I kept trying to readjust people by reframing the conversation, but found that this didn't work and others resented the interjection, and I felt pulled down in the process. I felt a tremendous relief when I came back to CO for my internship and had 7 months away from the situation. I came back in January to finish up my thesis and the semester went great- few glitches, more time and room to grow personally, and support from my advisor. This wasn't everyone's reality, but I made sure it was mine.

I've come back home and noticed that I have tried to repeat this same forcing of alignment and adjustment to my family. I have a clearer vision of myself and those I love, and I will always have challenges because I want to continue to grow and love. It can be difficult to not want to get others to see my new perspective and use it themselves. But I've watched my words and tone alienate and distance me and my love ones. My new focus is to be more impeccable with my words and as The Beatles so aptly coined the best way to interact with others... "Let it Be". It's truly more important to let people choose their own experience and if they want to know where my inspiration and joy is coming from, I can model it for them as best as I can which help us all. Minding my own business is my new mission for my interaction with others, and if I do offer an opinion to be impeccable with my words AND tone. How I say something is as important as my words.

I thought I'd add some quotes that helped and inspired me in this regard.

"Choose what feels good to you and leave everybody else to choose what they want. Don't spend any time saying, "They should choose differently and they'd feel better." Instead say, "They're choosing whatever they're choosing; I'm choosing what I'm choosing, and I'm feeling good while I'm choosing it." And let that be the end of it. Be certain that you are connected to your Source Energy, and let everybody else figure it out for themselves. Some of them will adore you, some of them will hate you -- and none of it has anything to do with you."- Abraham-Hicks.com

"The secret of the universe is minding your own business. What we mean by that is: Don’t get so involved in the desires or beliefs of others that it causes you confusion or chatter in your own vibration and compromises your alignment. When you let nothing be more significant than your own alignment with your desire, then everything in the universe is working in concert for you. It is anyway, but your not letting it in if you are misaligned." Abraham-Hicks

Relaxing and allowing- whew! What concepts!

Faith visits

2007-04-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

I pulled "Faith" as my Angel Card this morning. It's two angels, one hanging from a trapeze swing with her arms outstretched and another angel who's taken the leap from her swing and is reaching for the other angel's hands. I love the card, but I always get a little "fluttery" when I see it. For some reason yesterday, I was thinking of my worst moments away from home in my new jobs/rooms/school/ in CA, MT, GA, NY. I remembered very clearly hysterically calling my mom while sitting in my Saturn when it was raining out-it matched my mood terribly. I think it was my very very bottom here and it was Oct 4th, 2005. I was SO upset, why am I here, I'm not as good as these people, I'm not as smart as these people, I should go back to CO and Norlarco, what am I going to use this degree for, what if I can't get a good paying job? My car was facing this small shallow pond on the farm by the road. As my wipers cleared the window, I saw a heron in the pond. It was one of the most beautiful and painful moments in my life, and to me that bird will always be faith visiting me. I still kept crying and worrying, but that heron was the stillness and assurance in my storm. I knew it, and to a great extent ignored it, but I still felt it. I hope that you see your heron and feel the same small and persistent comfort. If we pay attention, it's strong and undeniable. If we ignore it, it's still there, but a whisper like our mothers soothe us as babies as we cry and scream.

Terrific Power

2007-04-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a glimpse of your true power? Maybe you've been working toward a particular goal or dream, and it's nearly within your grasp, only to touch it for a fraction of a second. This happened to me today, for more than one thing. Today is my day of power. Not that yesterday wasn't, or tomorrow won't be-but today I saw it, I paid attention to it, I acknowledged it.

What was special about today... I allowed the culimination of my work- spiritual and intellectual- manifest into a 4 hour period. I completed the first draft of my Master's Thesis and handed it in, and I developed the presentation for my collegues. Both of these tasks were equally daunting, requiring I overcome and reconcile my fear of my academic intellectuals judging my work, and my fear of public speaking. I also have a secret goal I haven't told anyone about, that I achieved a 50% success with-which, believe me -was an achievement. When I achieve this last goal ,

my life will take a turn for the truly extraoridnary. But it's my secret until I decide otherwise. This evening, I felt a charge of true success and acceptance. I am truly worthy of my dreams and goals, and my achievements only reinforce my own magnificence. This, from a woman who has previously used personal achievements like a drive-thru. Just give me my stuff and I'm on my way onto the next thing-never truly acknowledging herself and the time and worth of what was given and received. I'm not talking about what others gave me, but giving myself the kudos for loving my demons, my fears and holding my own hand while experiencing my weaknesses. I'm finally becoming the kind of best friend to myself as I am to others. I'm on the brink of getting a Master's degree I nearly quit more times than I could count, and a spiritual breakthrough that will allow more love and abundance in my life than I ever thought possible. What do I do?

My toes are poking over the ledge of my own limitations.

I've never been more excited to jump off the cliff...

Following the fruit loops

2007-03-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

I was telling my friend early today, that I feel like the universe is leading me on a path lined with fruit loops. Obviously an incentive I need to keep following the way I've choosen for myself and am co-creating with the universe. I had originally referred to the experience as a bread crumb trail, but the power of the Hansel and Gretl story still has a negative sway for the child in me. I liked the image of Boo from Monsters, Inc following the fruit loops trail, and I can even hear her crunch as I write this.

I've discovered one of the great challenges in my life (and many I suppose) is being consistent with faith. Trust is a sticky one in this society. We are taught to fear nearly everything, and being in the professional field I am in (environmental policy), many choose to convey urgency through fear and worst case scenarios. But once I get right with myself, it feels easier to let go of the "we're all screwed" philosophy in favor of the "everything is alright". Notice I didn't say will be or should be or can be, but rather -is. I'm not writing in this blog only to document the times I feel high while trying to implement the spiritual principles highlighted from The Secret and Abraham, but to speak of how I feel after coming through my rough spots.

I felt heavier yesterday and was challenged by negative thoughts all this morning. I was feeling, to a certain degree, dread for a meeting I had with my advisor to go over the first rough draft of my thesis. I had taken a break from working on it since Friday when it was due, and had observed others struggling with the deadline and feeling bad. I worried here and there that I hadn't worked hard enough, felt guilt, and worried she'd tell me that the whole thing sucked and needed some major overhaul. I still made a concerted effort to nip these thoughts, turning away any true focus on them, but they did exist. I met with her this afternoon and she hadn't had a chance to read my paper yet. I almost got irked at this, but chose not to. She actually had read it through once, but hadn't made comments on it. So instead of having a conversation about the details, she let me tell her my concerns and walked me through my feelings about it. It turned out that I got every validation I needed from her. She told me I was the only one to have met her deadlines, that I had obviously done a lot of work, and that we'd get through the sections that I felt needed strengthening. She helped me face another fear I had about sharing my document with my 3rd reader (even though that's what she's there for!). I left her office feeling wonderful-relieved, encouraged and inspired. Granted I still have to go back for the review, but she provided me what I needed THEN. I emailed the pertinent sections to my 3rd reader and will be able to get feedback from her as well. Goodness! It amazed me. I was also encouraged that the little bit of worrying I had done didn't manifest into this monsterous experience that instantaneously bit me on the ass.

There just might be something to this! ;) Onwards and upwards.

Choosing to Float

2007-03-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

So one of the things I've been doing to encourage myself is tracking the things I'm manifesting in my day. I think sometimes the little things are the easist to see or acknowledge.

I woke up and the first thing I saw was my computer. I immediately had a feeling of anxiety. If you've been trying to write a thesis like I am, or tie a good deal of your work and creativity into a computer, you may understand. I acknowledged that crappy feeling and tried to put my focus somewhere else. I opened the shade in my room and just let the feeling go so I could muster some excitement for my day. What do you know, that's exactly what happened. I don't know why, but I decided to go to the pool and swim. I've been wanting to do this for nearly a month. I even found a pair of goggles when I first decided to swim, but I didn't go. I did what I think a lot of us do- I let the enthusiasm pitter out, finding excuses and reasons not to do it. I don't like chlorine, I don't want to see myself in a swim suit, I don't want to get cold, I don't.... ya da ya da. But I lit a fire under my ass this fine sunday morning and off I went. I wanted a lane to myself, and I wanted to swim for 20 minutes. I got ready, whipped by the mirrors not caring to look or even think about my swimsuit. As I prepared to get into a lane with another swimmer, a gentleman got out and I was able to have my own lane. Lovely! I got in and the water felt great, it wasn't too strong in chlorine, and the swimming was so much fun. Ok, so I got my ass kicked at first-out pacing my capabality, I spaced I was in the deep end and gulped a bunch a water when I sunk, but I kept at it. I even swam for 10 minutes longer than I had originally planned, and I almost didn't want to get out of the water. The sunlight came in to one section of the pool and when I saw it under water it reminded me of diving. So as an added bonus I was able to be reminded of one of my goals which is to go scuba diving soon. I remembered what Bob Doyle said on The Secret about doing what you can to get into the feeling of having what you want, so incidentally I benefitted from swimming in pool that was no where near the Caribbean. If I pay attention and look for what pleases me, I find them. I'm going to make a concerted effort to look for what I want to see. A positive feedback loop is bound to develop- see sunset feel good- see red cardinal in tree feel good-see sunshine feel good-get positive feedback on my thesis feel good.

Ok so maybe I'm gushing a little, but it's so much better than sitting around worrying about all the crap that could go wrong- as it builds and builds and barrels toward me like a freight train. I may not have a great days all the time, but I'm certainly not going to try and put it out there anymore as a command.

My quote for the day is:

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow" Helen Keller ( Secret Master)

"The Secret" Hype

2007-03-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, so maybe you've heard something about the movie "The Secret". The teachers featured on this movie have been on Oprah, Larry King Live, and others. I even heard Bill Maher crack a joke about the Law of Attraction and the movie last week. So what's the big deal and why buy into the hype? I don't consider myself a sucker, nor am I a some kool-aid drinking zombie ready to follow what others see as the "true awakening". The law of attraction rings a bell for me- and a loud one at that. So consider seeing what the buzz is about, and even experiment with the lessons and see what happens. It may not be instantaneous, but what do you have to lose? A couple of minutes of less of complaints will make any one feel better, and maybe this movie and the teachings are how you can actually get what you want.
Check out my website, http://moreagape.theofficialsecretseminar.com/or go to www.thesecret.tv to order the movie- you can even watch it online.
Let me know what you think.

A conversation with a chipmunk and other weird encounters with wildlife

2007-03-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

So I was walking to the office of my graduate advisor yesterday and while walking on the path, I noticed this tiny chipmunk sitting on a log. Ok, so no big deal to some, but I stopped in my tracks. He/she didn't move, and stared right at me. It felt like a staring contest, it went on much longer than I would've ever thought. This guy had something to say to me. I kept expecting him to scurry off in panic. Nope. Just stared and stared and stared. I had to smile at all this. For one thing, this guy was cute as hell and another thing, he was ballsy for a little squat. I have no idea what we communicated to each other, but he didn't move until I told him I had to go- I started walking and off he went.

When I was heading back to the dorm a few hours later in this wicked snowstorm (I'm in Southern NY finishing my Master's degree), something caught my eye. I see this red northern cardinal on a bush close by. He doesn't seemed to be phased at all at the wind and blowing snow. Again, I had to stop and check him out. I had wondered if he was the same guy I'd seen trying to crack into the library window on campus. I keep seeing this crazy cardinal trying to get into the library. What does he think he's going to find in there- enlightenment and a guide to picking up chicks? More likely he'll find a bunch a wacky-haired Bard undergrads putzing around in their academic angst. I could only watch in for a few seconds, as it was colder than a witch's tit and I could barely see. So I keep walking for awhile, and sure as shit, I look up again and he's across the road looking at me again. Weird right? Or is it just ridiculous notion of connection to NY woods and their nutty inhabitants? All I know is these critters make me smile, feel good and want to see more of their kind. With so much going on in my life right now, I'll take that.